October 6, 2008

uncomfortable truths

What's been the hardest is understanding and knowing and attempting to bring down to the deepest of my depths the fact that whatever K does or doesn't do has no bearing on his obvious intense feelings for me, his love and his lust for me. He's doing the very best he can in each moment. Even if he is looking, none of it takes away from me and our love.

What does take away from me and our love is my story around it, the one I make up and embellish on ad infinitum. This is what keeps me in pain and in misery, tense and unable to feel love, not his actions which I've likely invented anyway or at least blown up out of proportion to something not all resembling reality.

So it's not he who is taking away from us. It's not he who is trashing our love. It's not he who is disregarding my feelings. It's me who is taking away from us by staying in my drama and thus pain and numb to love. It's me who is trashing our love, his love for me, for the same reasons. It's me who is disregarding his feelings, his feelings for me. Its me who is keeping him at arm's length because I'm terrified of fully opening to him, trusting him with my heart and with good reason from the past but not the present.

Irregardless, these are old reactions to a reality that was, not is. I realize that my deep down instincts don't really know that, and it may take more time, and again this is where I have trouble, being gentle and patient with myself.

As everything shifts and changes, physically too, for the physical is directly related to the emotional, the parts that were so hurt and damaged way back when will kick and scream, fight to maintain the status quo, the familiar, a misperceived safety, and for me it's enormously frustrating and very uncomfortable, emotionally sure, but right now physically the muscles around my heart (it's so amazingly literal) keep clenching, tightening down around it to protect against a danger that no longer exists, but instincts are resilient in their fragility.

It's so uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't breathe. It's so hard to have love and patience with it all, especially when there is a fist gripping my heart to keep it safe, yet I don't feel safe at all anymore. It hurts and keeps me from feeling wonderful and having a filling and fulfilling love.

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