the beginning of the end

July, 2008
I have a problem. Can you help me please?
There's this big, white elephant that sits in this room a great deal of the time, for a long time now.

I've tried ignoring him, but he talks to me, tells me fantastic stories. I've tried pretending he's not there, but he sneaks up behind me and grabs me, squeezes me so hard I almost can't breathe.

I've tried fighting him, but sooner or later he pins me down, and I feel helpless before him, especially since he's been hurting me so much.

I want to ask you to show me what you look at. Show me what you do. In order for me to understand something, for example human nature, behaviors, I need to feel it, feel how it is to want to do things, behave a certain way, feel how it is for the person.

Ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist doesn't work for me, for it simply creeps back to haunt me, makes me feel bad, causes me to close my heart, disconnect, and this is dangerous for an intimate relationship.

Putting up with it without the understanding is also a bad idea, for bad feelings of another sort can and usually do accrue, resentment, anger, hatred.

I've had brief glimpses of how it might be for him when he looks and though I know it's not at all how I've imagined it, especially when I feel low, it's still not been enough for me to integrate, own, and I still haven't understood, so the glimpses haven't lasted long, haven't been deeply felt.

Many people have told me many things, him included, and all of it has helped, but it wasn't getting me to feel it. Sharing it with him implanted it deeply within me. I felt, saw, touched, played with the whole thing with him and shared what turned out to be a highly erotic, fun, sexual experience.

Some of the old feelings are still there out of habit I suppose since they've been with me for three years, but they merely whisper ever so softly and only every now and then. I trust though that they will soon fade away to nothing.