October 23, 2008


I surrender my body and my heart to be breathed open by the love that yearns in my heart. I must relax my body, especially the most sensitive parts, the places that hold fear. I breathe love energy in and out of every part, so my tension can ease open and love can flow more freely through me.

As my body softens, my heart can open and feel the openness of this moment which is love. As I lovingly melt my body and my heart open, I can practice breathing outward from my heart to feel him, his shape, his suffering, his joy. The more I can open in trust and offer my light through the yearning of my love, the more he will want to enter me and merge with my glorious, devotional surrender.

His presence may waver as may my offering of love's energy. I can practice offering my body and my heart, opening them to flow with pleasure, offering love's yearning. I can look deep into his eyes and feel the deep part of his heart I do trust and love.

I can practice, moment by moment, the art of breathing love and trusting open as if surrendering to sexual ravishment, breathing love's fullness as if on the verge of an intense and loving orgasm. I can offer the depth of my love right now, moving like a woman whose womb is full with pleasure, gliding with love.

Even when I'm fearful, even when the pain and yearning feel overwhelming, even when my heart feels wounded, I can still practice opening my body and my heart as an offering.

When my eyes are soft with love's yearning, when my voice resonates love's pleasure, when my body moves like a dancer in ecstasy, when my expressions reflect love's depths, he will be inspired, as I fill his life with light like an infinitely blossoming flower.

While making love, my surrendered yearning draws him deeply into my body and my heart. he can enter me fully, into my love, and he can guide my surrender, as he dissolves with me, opening as one love.

My heart can offer a devotional surrender and openness so inviting that he has no choice but to come to full presence. His fully present masculine heart can claim me so deeply that I have no choice but to open and surrender to love's bliss, larger than I could alone.

To deny him love is to deny opening to my deepest heart yearning. Love is my discipline, and it is not always easy. living open as love will attract his willingness to open and feel in mutual worship.

men and other women

I found this forum way back around the time I first found K's looking. I reread it all last week and found it fascinating as to how different was my reaction and feelings.

There are a wide variety of responses/reactions, many such as I felt and you feel at times as well as male reactions though keep in mind every man is different, some being the dogs they have the reputation of having, but I don't think there were any really disturbing entries.

I found it helpful then, and I find it so now. If you like erotic literature, they have reasonably good stories though I have long since tired of them. They tend to get repetitive and many deal with cheating which I find very unsexy, upsetting.

There are links to sites for pictures as a good starting point for you to find things you like. I warn you that at first it may feel weird, uncomfortable, even disturbing, for most women are not used to this or this kind of behavior, but if you can stay relaxed and keep an open mind, you will find things that arouse you.

I advise you not to censor yourself. If you like rape or submission scenes, so be it. It's actually a very common woman fantasy. Most sites have links to even more sites, so you will quickly find things to check out.

Now if you can only own for yourself, and I have, mostly, that pictures for men are so not real to them to the point of almost not being registered as a person in their heads. They are objects of arousal, not figures of love and passion which is what we are to our men.

A picture or even a live woman for that matter is a momentary buzz, and it's just as quickly gone. They are wired that way, to be aroused by almost any woman, but they know the difference between that and the full bodied response they experience when they see or are with the woman they love, the one with whom they want more than anything to share their minds, bodies, and souls.

If you let them in, they will come so gratefully (no pun intended) with arms open wide. There is a clear distinction in the same hard wiring between attraction and attraction attraction.

Any man worth anything doesn't even have to fight the sexual urges when it involves another, for the urge is not directed at her but at us. She the whatever other woman who happens to cross his path, arouses him without connection in any way whatsoever. This arousal he stores, and it can build throughout the day or several days, and he wants to bring it to us if we are open and allow it,

Hugs and kisses, D.

on (the) edge

July, 2008
Do you respect me? Do you care about how I feel?

I've been asking for your help, and you've been wonderful, seemingly open and honest and generous. This has felt really, really good.

I also made a small request, to not look when I'm right here in the other room or outside, a tiny concession considering all of this I've done and continue to do.

You said it would not be a problem. I was already reduced to behavior a couple of weeks ago that I abhor (snooping) which felt bad enough, but to have my suspicions confirmed made me feel so bad, confused, and upset.

You said in defense that you thought it was no big deal now that this door has been opened, so then why hide it and then lie about it? You said that it was just a white lie and though it did not feel as such to me and still doesn't, I let all of this go because I realize that this is new for you too, and maybe you were unsure as to how I would react. Maybe you were testing me to see if I was checking up on you.

But I have this nagging feeling from the other day that won't leave me, and I hate feeling it. I don't want to think that you would go back on your word and then lie to me again about it. Do you have anything you want to say to me?

This is what I wanted to say. I'm happy I didn't.

this is almost now

July 2008
It feels awful being me sometimes. My little brain gets in my way. It lies to me. It creates monsters from little things or out of nothing at all. Learning to quiet the voices, learning to let go has not been easy. It's still an effort, and I'm still learning.

I've been working so hard for almost three years, harder than ever, and it has felt horrible, ugly, and painful. It has felt as though my deepest stuff was tapped into, opening up thick, black ickyness. There have been times of such despair I felt like giving up, but there have also been some lovely moments which have kept me going.

What pushed me onto this part of my journey has been challenging all by itself. It has haunted me, been on my mind constantly from whispers in the background to full on screaming. I have felt trapped in a prison of my own creation where I've struggled with it and suffered over it. What little respite there has been has been found in sleep, for curiously I never once dreamed about it.

I tried everything conceivable from ignoring it to pretending it's not there to fighting it to torturing myself with it. None of these tactics worked for very long. I felt that the only option left aside from leaving was to come directly to you, talk with you, ask you questions, and open the door to sharing it with you, but this has meant turning some of my belief systems upside down and inside out, changing almost everything I have felt about it.

All of this that I've been doing feels huge. It is huge. Maybe I'm discovering a part of me I didn't know was there which could be really nice, but I can't say I feel secure in it all. I feel unsure about it all. I still feel conflicted, and I don't think I'll ever feel okay with you looking at pictures when I'm right here, in the other room, or outside in the garden. This just doesn't feel good at all.

October 21, 2008

a faltering

July, 2008
I've been feeling upset. I don't want to feel upset. This is all so new, and I'm having conflicting feelings about it. Part of me is aroused by it, especially thinking of us doing it together. I want to do that again.

Another part of me is upset by it, especially thinking about you doing it by yourself even though I know you save it, your orgasms, for me. I'm finding myself thinking about it all the time again.

You told me along time ago that you don't do it when I'm around. Now I'm wondering if that's changed. The thought of you doing it when I'm in the other room feels icky.

the beginning of the end

July, 2008
I have a problem. Can you help me please?
There's this big, white elephant that sits in this room a great deal of the time, for a long time now.

I've tried ignoring him, but he talks to me, tells me fantastic stories. I've tried pretending he's not there, but he sneaks up behind me and grabs me, squeezes me so hard I almost can't breathe.

I've tried fighting him, but sooner or later he pins me down, and I feel helpless before him, especially since he's been hurting me so much.

I want to ask you to show me what you look at. Show me what you do. In order for me to understand something, for example human nature, behaviors, I need to feel it, feel how it is to want to do things, behave a certain way, feel how it is for the person.

Ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist doesn't work for me, for it simply creeps back to haunt me, makes me feel bad, causes me to close my heart, disconnect, and this is dangerous for an intimate relationship.

Putting up with it without the understanding is also a bad idea, for bad feelings of another sort can and usually do accrue, resentment, anger, hatred.

I've had brief glimpses of how it might be for him when he looks and though I know it's not at all how I've imagined it, especially when I feel low, it's still not been enough for me to integrate, own, and I still haven't understood, so the glimpses haven't lasted long, haven't been deeply felt.

Many people have told me many things, him included, and all of it has helped, but it wasn't getting me to feel it. Sharing it with him implanted it deeply within me. I felt, saw, touched, played with the whole thing with him and shared what turned out to be a highly erotic, fun, sexual experience.

Some of the old feelings are still there out of habit I suppose since they've been with me for three years, but they merely whisper ever so softly and only every now and then. I trust though that they will soon fade away to nothing.

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Honesty is perception. Another person's perception may have little resemblance to my truth or any truth, for truth is again perception, and perception is colored by one's life experiences and what is going on within a person at any given moment, spiritually and/or emotionally.

It's not to say that a person's input means nothing. People say things for a reason. It is their perception, so do take a hard look at whatever anyone says, for it may not be completely accurate, but it often if not always will hold at least a grain of truth, my truth.


It's all a process. Healing is hard. It takes a great deal of courage and strength. Most people avoid it because it's too painful, too difficult if they are even aware they need to heal. You must face the things buried deeply inside, resolve them, put them to rest so healing can take place.

The universe is infinitely patient. She will keep giving you your lessons over and over again until you deal with it, get it, or not, and She will still keep hitting you over the head with it until it's healed. You don't necessarily have to know what are the emotions that arise. They don't always have a name, but you can open to them fully, send them love, integrate them.

They often just melt away when love is radiated to them. Fear is the opposite of love. You may be able to feel sadness and love at the same time, but fear and love just can't be there together. We can intend that it be love, most of the time. I hope for that.

"What you bring forth out of yourself from the inside will save you. What you do not bring forth out of yourself from the inside will destroy you."
Gospel of Thomas

Butterfly, flutterby, floating by,
Where are you going? Tell me why?
Peacefully soaring, gently soft,
Light and airy, effortlessly aloft.
Translucent wings, edged in ebon,
Lemon and gold, silver and saffron.
Do you own the key to love and life?
Unaware of pain, hurt, and strife?
Do you feel the fear of fragility?
Loss, grief, vulnerability?
Beautiful, open; you seem so free.
My heart as yours, this I wish for me.

Each being is unique and on a unique path. We all learn in our own way and at our own pace. We can give our gifts of advice, care, love, or passion to a loved one, but then with love it must be released along with our expectations of them and their choices.

Our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly if we look honestly at our reflection in them. We can learn so much from them if we are willing to look deep inside with love and compassion and understand why we are being irritated or hurt by their actions.

We have the power to be like an oyster and transform the irritations and the hurts into pearls. With these pearls of wisdom, we can learn to release the desire for control and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own. Trust the universe.
Create magic. Create love.

the more

I want him to feel me without the separation I've always had, long before him. I'm not able to always stay open, not yet, for I still feel the pressure in my chest around my heart and in my solar plexus, and it's frustrating. I still feel fear, but I also know the deeper I dig, physically and emotionally, the more the deep inner residual fears emerge, then I can let them go. The more I can stay in love and trust, the more I will find my peace, and there he will be. The more I can open my heart and let him into me and my essence, my love, the more I can feel and be love. I know I"m powerful. I know I can create my own reality. I'm filled with hope.

more heart to heart

Whenever there is a significant opening in me physically, especially in my back around the heart, I feel flooded with fear. At these times, I feel as though I flinch in response to every little thing. The fears fill my dreams, indifference, neglect, abandonment.

Recently I feel like I sense things from you, but I don't know anymore if it's me. It seems as though you are a little withdrawn, or is it me who is withdrawn? It seems as though you are wary of me, or is it me who is wary? It seems as though you are a little unhappy, or is it me who is unhappy? It seems as though you arr are a little sad, or is it me who is sad? It seems as though you are a little distracted, or is it me who is distracted? It seems as though you are a little angry, or is it me who is angry?

I can't tell the difference. Maybe I never could. I feel confused. I don't like feeling these things. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm afraid you are tiring of it. I'm afraid you are going to abandon me.

This stuff keeps coming up. I'm afraid of it, but I welcome it too. I want to get it out, release it. It feels like I'm at the heart of all of this, and this piece is resistant and resilient, a piece I likely put in place with good reason. It was necessary for my survival then and for a long time hence. I want to believe I don't need this piece anymore, but apparently not all of me is convinced, for that piece still clings for dear life. It's afraid. I'm afraid, to let go.

I can't stop this process. I don't want to. As horrible as it feels sometimes, I feel some of those fingers that hang on so desperately are losing and have even lost some of their hold. I want that piece to be freed. I want my heart to be free. I don't want any more limitations or conditions on her.

She wants so much to love fully, completely, without fear, open and vulnerable, pure. I feel it sometimes, and it's sweet, yummy, sensuous, and wonderful. I love it. I want to feel your love, you fully, completely, without fear, open and vulnerable, pure. I feel it sometimes, and it's sweet, lusty, luscious, passionate, and wonderful. I love it I love you.

October 20, 2008

more the answer

Dear D,
What this is really about for you is your issue with "abandonment". You feel "left out" when you think he might be thinking about someone else and that he could leave you that quickly...which is hardly the case. I think he just loves you so much that he can't see you don't "love yourself" and because you don't "love yourself", you can't see why he would love you...He's not aware that he should give you extra attention or needs to be more doting at the moment to you because you don't feel his love. he just loves you and thinks everything is okay. Meanwhile you are not feeling "love" as a whole (not necessarily from him) but you need him to make up for all the love you do not have inside yourself. You are asking him to show you he loves you in a big way every day to make up for all your feelings of abandonment. I'm telling you that once you truly love yourself (and you should because you are a lovely, lovely, beautiful woman!!!! and talented!!!!) that you will probably never, ever question his feelings. You are really questioning your feelings at the moment and have projected them onto him. Does this make sense!!!!
Love, D.

the answer

What makes you special to him is that you are you. No other woman on the planet, real or imaginary, is you. And men want "The One" just like we do.

You are "The One". If you don't believe that, then you must talk yourself into it because he would not be there if you weren't. You give him the whole package; you fill his heart; it is as intense and powerful an attachment as you can imagine for you. Perhaps even more.

This is what men give up their freedom for. Or their idea of freedom. If looking at pictures is a small gesture of the freedom men give up to have the deep connection of the whole package they crave, can you accept that? No one except K and then only with a great deal of self-study can answer why he in particular likes to look at pictures of naked women. And yet it is so common, so pervasive in out culture, it hardly seems like a unique fetish.

I wonder if you can't live with it, would you find something else to obsess about? If not then you can only keep doing what you are doing, working on yourself and the energy and stress you are putting out into the relationship. Looking at pictures has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing except for the stress you are putting our energetically. You cannot go anywhere with this if you can't square this idea with yourself, that his looking at other women has absolutely nothing to do with you being enough for him.

You have to realize that you have chosen a man who triggers you constantly and stresses you out. You can either stop obsessing here and now with this issue by working on yourself and simultaneously discussing it openly with him and doing everything in your power to reduce your stress, to calm and soothe yourself, to convince yourself that his looking has absolutely nothing to do with you. He is not interested in those other women.

On the other hand if his habit is so absolutely unacceptable to you, then you have to talk with him, negotiate. It's your feeling so helpless in the face of this that's causing you so much stress. Please turn this from his problem to your problem. His problem is not about you. Your problem is not about him. You have to see this more dispassionately and more clinically. He is not trying to hurt you.

October 16, 2008


When I feel bad, when my thoughts turn to the negative, when they dwell on and obsess about his possible thoughts, when they insist on making me feel small and insignificant, inconsequential, not enough in any way, when they push me off my tiny stand of confidence and self-esteem, when they denigrate and deride me, when I allow then to take me over, I have to remember that those voices LIE.

Whatever is the truth, it has little if any resemblance to those lying voices. Those nasty voices keep my walls in place, and they can become loud and strident whenever I break through.

It's fear. It's a form of protection. To open wide, to release completely into vulnerability is the most frightening thing I will ever do, and my instincts scream in protest. Those screams become the lying voices. I have to push them away, ignore them with everything I have.

The feelings are very real. The feelings must be felt, the anger, the sadness, the grief, the fear are all real. I need to sink into those feelings, feel them, and allow them to pass. Feel the anger. It will pass. Feel the sadness. It will pass. Feel the grief. It will pass. Feel the fear. It too will pass.

Relax as best as I can. Open my heart as much as it will at any given moment. Smile, to my heart, to my entire being. Feel more deeply. Embrace it all; integrate it all. They are all my friends. Hold them. Love them. Relax even more if possible. Open even more if I can.

Imagine something beautiful, anything that feels good, an exquisite sunset, a star-filled night sky, a big full moon, a garden full of smiling flowers, ladybugs, swans, butterflies, faeries, a dear friend. Imagine it all, the colors, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the little details. Make it as real as possible.

I love to imagine my beloved, love bursting from his heart, his sweet face, his radiant smile. I see him take my face into his beautiful hands and kiss me deeply, adoringly, lovingly, sweetly, tenderly. I feel him caress me all over, his hands on my breasts, my belly, my thighs, my sex. I smell his special smell buried in his neck, behind his ears. I feel the anticipation, the excitement, the love, the passion, all of it.

Know that this is the true reality. The Voices may be resilient and resistant, but I am stronger than they.

more men - women

A man does not care a fig about the looks of the one he loves. Once you qualify as good enough, that's all he needs. What he wants is your essence, to feel it in his daily life. Your feelings are his connection to feeling energy. The more your are in your head, the farther you get from your body, your feelings. The further you are in your head, the more tension is created in the relationship.

About sex. Men and women are very different. What turns one person on is often different from what turns another person on. Women tend to find romance and intrigue erotic, and men tend to find the raunchy, ribald, crude, lascivious, and kinky to be erotic. Its hard for us to understand if we are repelled by what arouses them.

If you felt wonderful about yourself and who you are, would it bother you that he has eyes for any woman he finds attractive or sexy, but his heart belongs only to you? What if there is no such thing as a man who has eyes for only one woman though his heart may truly belong to only one woman? What if all men are aroused by many, many women they see in magazines and on the street, but that feeling does not travel to their hearts and souls?

Since you are not used to a man who is so good and giving, what if what you want here in terms of the level of possession of his body is impossible? What if you cannot have his or any man's complete and undivided attention 100% of the time? What if that weren't a good thing?

What if you were to let go of the fear of losing him and let him be who he is which is a man, like all men, who enjoy looking at different women? What if this is the human condition? What if you have an impossible, unrealistic standard? What if you're wrong about a great many things? What if you're right? Does it matter?

Is he entitled to look as much as he wants as long as he's careful of your feelings and his heart and body belong firmly and forever to you? Would it make a difference if every man in the world is like this? Would you then choose not to be with a man?

Are you certain that you are not aroused or esthetically pleased when you see a man in a picture, on a movie screen, or on the street that for a flickering moment you find attractive? Does this affect your feelings for him?

You can only become so comfortable with yourself and the full variety of sexual response and possibilities that you can embrace him as he is though he is neither perfect or manageable by you.

The confusion you are feeling is about your core beliefs, values, and a complete upending of what you know to be true. Please do not expect this to pass quickly. There is a whole new world out there for you to discover, explore, accept, or refuse, and there are whole new parts of yourself that are coming up or re-examination.

What a wonderful journey you are on, and K seems to me to have created the perfect situation for deepening the possibilities of an intimate relationship for you. Whether or not you wish to accept this challenge is up to you!

October 10, 2008

I hate how I feel

I feel so inadequate, so in despair. I hate feeling like I'm a victim of my negative thoughts, trapped by my fears, rendered immobile by old habits.

I work so hard to release and let go, yet it seems endless, and when I feel inundated with bad thoughts of my own creation, thoughts that may have a grain of truth, I feel like I've come nowhere, that I'll never reach a place where I feel peace mostly and love always.

I wanted to feel, and now that I'm no longer numb, I'm in pain most of the time though there was pain in numbness too, of a different sort. I barely feel love at all, and this is so devastating. When I feel it, it feels amazing. I want to roll in it, bathe in it, taste it, swallow it, immerse my body, mind, heart, and spirit in it.

Why is it so tenuous? Why does it go away? Why am I seemingly so afraid of it? I want those ancient tears to flow, wash me clean. I want the ache in my heart to release. I want to feel my heart open, relaxed, vulnerable, free, bursting with sweet, exquisite love, radiating from me to him, him to me, through us to the universe.

So much has been opening, unveiling to free,
My heart, at times, torn to pieces carelessly.
Survival has forced me to hold on tight.
No longer needed, that life of fierce fight?

The walls are crumbling, falling away.
Feelings flow through me, some yet held at bay.
It's scary. It's awesome, wonderful, and new.
To unearth what has been buried, to feel you.

This woman of love, in dreams she came to me,
Asking me to create into reality,
All I wish for, peace and love so free,
A golden man of my heart, for all eternity.

It's all so daunting, here for the taking.
I wonder if I sleep, or am I awaking.
My eyes wide open, heart and soul trail behind,
Reaching to embrace life's mysteries in kind.

I love to feel your hands on me as they touch.
I love to hear you say words of love so much.
I love to see your look of lust and devotion.
I love to feel our passionate emotion.

I ache to revel, hesitate with fear unnamed.
I want to lose control, in love untold, untamed.
I want to go further, to the deepest of the deeps,
Intimate truth, soulful love, always for keeps.

I want to expose completely, share my all with you.
I want to feel your soul, embrace mine so true.
I offer you my love, through sunshine and in storm.
I offer you my heart, to have, to hold, full and warm.

October 8, 2008


Healing is not dependent on curing or removing a problem but on making it meaningful, finding its gift and the nourishment it can bring.

Pain is a powerful presence. Sometimes this ally gently leaves as it is incorporated into a compassionate heart. Sometimes its continued presence is preferable when the recognition arises that it is trying to give a message, a push to acknowledge and work to release pieces within which are no longer needed.

Suffering is a resistance to and denial of these pieces and the pain they bring. There is no pain in the hurt but in the breaking down of the barriers to love that the hurt challenges us to do. Surrender to it. Surrender to self and self-love. Fall in love again and again in a never ending spiral of grief and joy.

some truths

Old habits don't have to be erased. They just need to become replaced by a new habit that is more in vibrational harmony with who I am and what I want.

There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell on it, the more life you will give to that thought. Give it enough life and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a loving one.

Real love is identifiable by the way it makes you feel . Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling you with warmth and light. When you are truly loved, this love awakens love for self. True love empowers you with the message that you always have been and always will be love.

Fear can be created over and over again. So can love...Choose a new ending.

Love is not the opposite of fear. Love is not the opposite of anything. True love is far more powerful than any negative emotion. Yet this great ocean of love within is the environment from which all things arise to flow through and move on, be they beautiful or ugly, gentle or forceful, courageous or fearful, tiny or vast.

We are all made of love, every little bit, and we live our lives as one with love. It is an illusion that we can separate from love, for in this world of positive and negative, darkness and light, male and female, underlying our choices is always the choice to be conscious of what we are which is love. When we can make our choices with this awareness, we can be blissful and angry, joyful and sad, confident and scared, wise and playful, yet we will never be anything but what we are, LOVE.


Life changes in magical ways when the heart and the mind is open to the experience of what is. With acceptance, there is nothing to fight, and this creates a space for beauty and love to manifest and blossom. Unconditional love is unconditional acceptance which is healing.

Faith cannot occupy the same space as fear.

October 7, 2008


Fear is the feeling of mistrust. Fear is the heart's contraction that withdraws openness behind walls of protection. Anything less than a life of total loving is a life lived in fear. Fear is the refusal to open as love.

I want to trust with all that I be.
I want to open to you fully.

I want to feel you deep within me,
Our yearning hearts so completely.

Devotionally bared I wish to surrender,
To enter me, feel me, sweet and tender.

Fill me with your loving presence.
Take us beyond our spirits' remembrance.

Where two souls, as one, immersed enhance,
A blissful love with divine resonance.

even more meditation

Breathe low, deep into my pelvis. Relax. Relax. Melt. Melt.
Imagine his energy coming at me. Receive. Receive.
Open my chest. Allow all the icky stuff to waft out. Release. Release.
Let it go. Let it float away. Drop all thoughts, and just feel.

Imagine the air, the sun, the moon touching me, caressing me, bathing me with sensuousness. Allow my heart to expand. Feel even more deeply. Expand inward. Expand outward.
Melt. Breathe. Relax. Melt.

Stay far away from, "What is he thinking or what is he doing." It's poison. Follow my feelings in the moment, in every moment. Feel all my feelings. Be with them. embrace them. Move onto the next feeling.

The voices lie. Always. Ignore them. Push them aside. What feels bad are lies. Follow what feels good. Gently turn to what feels good, again and again. Build happy memories. Feel their energy. Feel the energy of love coming into me. Breathe deeply into my heart. Feel the connection.

Allow my future to pull on me. If I can imagine it, I can create it. I can change my thoughts. I can transform my feelings. I can create a new reality.

Letting go is a moment by moment process. Trust. Hope transforms into faith. Walk into the sunset of golden pink light, warm and vibrant. I surrender. I am Angel Goddess.

October 6, 2008

more meditaton


If I cannot accept him, I do not love him. I am choosing to feel hurt, yet the more I share, the more fears arise. Staying in fear keeps me from going deeper.

He's plenty committed, and I know it. I must let myself feel the fear and then let it go. Move on to the positive. Shift my thoughts, my awareness, my heart and spirit to the beautiful moments of which there are so very many, the love the adoration, the the affection, the laughter, the passion, the closeness, the connectedness, the orgasms, the sharing.

Breathe. Relax. Melt. Send golden pink light to my heart to calm and soothe it. Love it. I know he adores me. I must keep this close always. It's strengthening my self-love and self-confidence button of "I'm enough on my own, and I'm more than plenty."

He shows up. He always shows up for me and for us. He accepts I'm healing. He loves me. Not the other stuff. I must stop torturing myself.

another heart to heart

I've been struggling for awhile now. It hurts. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've had periods of respite, sometimes long spells when I feel so good, so connected to you, when I feel so much love flowing between us, but then the clouds descend again.

I know what the trigger is, but I'm not sure what the deeper issue is, or maybe I do. I could guess that it's old father and/or mother issues, feelings of inadequacy, the emotional molestation I suffered, not feeling loved.

It could be that all I've known of love or what was called love was pain, conditions, strings attached, so when presented with the real thing, you, it feels so good; I revel in it, but maybe my subconscious can't handle it for too long. It's too unfamiliar, or it thinks it's bound to be taken away; I'm going to be abandoned anyway, so it creates pain which is the known as horrible as it feels. Or maybe it's something else.

It's still the porn. I still obsess. I still feel badly around it. I want to understand, but I don't. I want to believe that you are wired differently as a man than me as a woman, for I emotionally connect to a picture. I imagine a whole scene all senses included all in a split second. I'm told it's not at all like that for a man. I want to believe it's a harmless habit born from whatever reasons. I want to believe that it has nothing to do with me, that it might even enhance our sex life, but I can't seem to get there.

When you kiss on me, hug on me, touch me, fondle me, admire me, become aroused by me and what I do sexually or otherwise, I love it so much, but a small piece of me thinks for example any breasts would turn you on, so mine aren't anything special, yet I know I'm special and special to you.

When I think you are home alone, sometimes, often, I feel anxious, worried whether you are looking at it or not, and when I come home, if I know you've been here, I feel fear and a sense of helplessness. If you haven't been here I feel relieved, but I also feel guilty for being like this.

I feel so confused. I've worked so hard on this, and I've come so far. I've grown so much. I've blossomed. I've released and let go of so much. Sometimes this is only a blip on my screen, but sometimes it's a big wave.

Either way it's still present. It hasn't gone away. I hate it. I hate the thoughts I have around it. I hate the monster I create around it likely having little resemblance to the truth of it. I sometimes feel like I want to disappear in the face of it. I wish it would go away. Yet I really, really want to let this go, but I also really, really want you to stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

uncomfortable truths

What's been the hardest is understanding and knowing and attempting to bring down to the deepest of my depths the fact that whatever K does or doesn't do has no bearing on his obvious intense feelings for me, his love and his lust for me. He's doing the very best he can in each moment. Even if he is looking, none of it takes away from me and our love.

What does take away from me and our love is my story around it, the one I make up and embellish on ad infinitum. This is what keeps me in pain and in misery, tense and unable to feel love, not his actions which I've likely invented anyway or at least blown up out of proportion to something not all resembling reality.

So it's not he who is taking away from us. It's not he who is trashing our love. It's not he who is disregarding my feelings. It's me who is taking away from us by staying in my drama and thus pain and numb to love. It's me who is trashing our love, his love for me, for the same reasons. It's me who is disregarding his feelings, his feelings for me. Its me who is keeping him at arm's length because I'm terrified of fully opening to him, trusting him with my heart and with good reason from the past but not the present.

Irregardless, these are old reactions to a reality that was, not is. I realize that my deep down instincts don't really know that, and it may take more time, and again this is where I have trouble, being gentle and patient with myself.

As everything shifts and changes, physically too, for the physical is directly related to the emotional, the parts that were so hurt and damaged way back when will kick and scream, fight to maintain the status quo, the familiar, a misperceived safety, and for me it's enormously frustrating and very uncomfortable, emotionally sure, but right now physically the muscles around my heart (it's so amazingly literal) keep clenching, tightening down around it to protect against a danger that no longer exists, but instincts are resilient in their fragility.

It's so uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't breathe. It's so hard to have love and patience with it all, especially when there is a fist gripping my heart to keep it safe, yet I don't feel safe at all anymore. It hurts and keeps me from feeling wonderful and having a filling and fulfilling love.

more work

I've been so focused on getting myself back to a semblance of myself so that I can work some on the relationship. We've been at a crossroads for a long time, he's right. But it's not an independent or dependent thing. It's not a question of being too concerned with stuff or what he thinks, yet it's all of that.

What it comes to is that I have never been able to relax enough around any relationship, to be authentic to myself, to be me in all my flaws and all my love and all my pain. I have never been able to love because of this, and it comes from my fears, my insecurities. It's what I've always wanted, and now I'm being challenged to be the vessel of love I have dreamed of.

Yes I'm still bruised and hurting at times, but it's an avoidance really. It keeps me from doing the real work. It keeps me from loving. It keeps me from love. I guess it must be very scary, but it's so uncomfortable being in that place where I question and doubt and imagine bad things and put an evil face on the one I want to love. I've had glimpses of another place where I can feel love and warmth and good yummy things flow through me, down my front, into my core self, and back up into my heart, and I feel good.

I am to separate his business from mine. I think I now know what he meant when he said I was being invasive and too concerned with what he thought. It's that I'm constantly analyzing, wondering, worrying, trying to solve problems that may not even be there. Whenever the questions and doubts arise, I need to transform them into soft, pink D thoughts and feelings. What is it that I feel? Do I feel nice, good, happy, turned on, excited, safe, warm? Do I feel sad, awful, icky, worried, confused, tense, terrible, frustrated? Am I having bad thoughts?

I must write if I cannot speak about why I feel it, memories it brings up if it does, and then I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state. I must go to a place where I feel good, a fantasy place, a place of transformation.

So how do I shift this relationship, start being more authentic? I need to start being true to me, warm and fuzzies and not so warm and fuzzies. I need to speak my feelings to him. How do I speak to him so that he hears me? I tell him how I feel, no elaboration or excuses or apologies, no reason why.

desire - dedication - determination

thoughts for a friend/reminders for me

March 1, 2007
He is the love of my life. I am the love of his life. Pornography has been the only issue to have interfered with our relationship, that has kept me from falling completely, melting utterly, opening my heart fully to him and in turn he to me.

Yet this has compelled me to go down, so far down into myself to unearth, set free the dark demons I still held, ones I scarcely knew were there, so that I can be the vessel of pure love, angel goddess, a golden being of love and passion, the woman I have striven for and dreamed of becoming, that I may revel in and immerse myself in life and love, something and someone I wondered if I could taste let alone savor.

Yes porn has hurt me desperately. It has devastated me, shattered me into many pieces, turned my world upside down and inside out, but it has been a great gift. He has felt badly about my pain and that it was he who was the impetus. He doesn't want to hurt me and can't understand why this would as much as I can't undestand why he would continue knowing how I feel.

I am important to him. He cares how I feel, and he has asked me to trust him numerous times. He's telling me that his habit is of no threat to me whatsoever. He's an honorable, loving, compassionate man. What he does is meaningless, yet it's fun; it's maybe an escape; it keeps him in a state of arousal, something I like to be in most of the time too.

He doesn't want to let this go, so he doesn't. I must let it go, all of it, not just pieces of it, not just some of the time, all of the time. There is nothing to fear with it and with him. He's telling me this in so many ways and repeatedly.

I am afraid that I'm not good, not young enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, NOT ENOUGH, yet he has told me countless times how much I turn him on, how perfect my form is, how beautiful, how much he loves me, how much he loves our passion and our sex life which is abundant and so great and just keeps getting better, how pretty I am, how special I am to him, how sweet and fun and silly I am, how much we enjoy together, that he will always love my being, physically and otherwise. He shows me all of this over and over and over. He shows up for me and for us all the time.

His looking at porn, pictures of other naked women has nothing to do with me. I have fantasies too I suppose, vivid, detailed ones, most of which I would not want to bring to life and the ones I might, I wouldn't because I'm very much with him, loyal and faithful, strictly monogamous, so it wouldn't even be a consideration.

Men are visual. Porn has nothing to do with love. It's a physical reation to a visual cue. It's a purely instinctual, habitual, physical response that has absolutely NO emotional context. I know he looks at porn. I also know with everything I have that he is fiercely faithful to me, that he loves and adores , ME.

I don't know if he will always look. I don't know if the interest will wane as my energy around it fades to nothing, and none of it matters. I can't care. My pain surrounding it feeds the energy. I can't care. As long as our sex life doesn't change, as long as he's tender and wonderful to me as always, as long as he satisfies me, loves me, cares for me and about me, is attentive and adoring, cherishing, wants to be with me, spend time with me, why would I care.

The looking apparently enhances his longing for me, keeps him aroused and craving me. What I can care about is that he makes love to me, ME, often and with passion, tender care, adoration, variety, and imagination.

He has a firm grip on reality, likely more than I. He's very well aware of the difference between an air-brushed, photoshopped, two-dimensional image and his beautiful, sensual, sexual, loving lady, his woman, ME. He knows how lucky he is to have this woman, ME, angel goddess, as close to his perfect fantasy woman as he could have imagined and maybe even then some. He likes fantasy as do I, but he loves his real life so much more.

Apparently he rarely if ever anymore orgasms to those images. He'd much rather be with me, even just masturbating together. Alone is fun, and I do this far more than he, yet it's so much more fun together, shared. I'm sure he would agree. He has.

If anything ever changed, if our sex life was ever affected negatively, or if he looked for hours on end, if I felt his energy withdraw from me significantly for long periods, then I would worry in the same way I would worry about excessive drinking, pot smoking, or gambling.

I want to enjoy our love and our sexuality. This hurt I've been carrying really and truly has nothing to do with me. I love him. He loves me bunches and deeply, passionately, intimately. We have a very special and rare bond. It's to be treasured and nurtured.

This has been a deeply painful process, and through it I'm growing and blossoming. I'm digging down, so far down, tapping into very dark, murky, excruciating core issues. Porn triggered this in me, and ultimately I'm grateful. It's hard, but it's wonderful, amazing, releasing, liberating on all levels. I've learned, am still learning. I'm opening, am still opening, yet ingrained survival instincts though fragile are enormously resilient. I'm still moving into and allowing trust, trust in me, trust in him, trust in us, opening my heart to me, to life, to him, to us that I may love more fully, absolutely with passion and awe, compassion and XXXOOO.

process and the isness of porn

January, 2007
I still carry some fear, some pain. I don't want it. It gets in the way. It keeps me from feeling what I want to feel. It keeps me from melting completely into myself, into you, into us. I want to let it all go, the porn issue too, that wound that seems to still open easily. I'm doing better with it, but it still comes up.

I want to feel I can tell you anything. Do you want me to come to you when this comes up, when anything comes up? Or do you want me to keep it to myself, work it through myself as best as I can?

I need to embrace everything I feel, including the awful images. I need to sink down into them and everything else too. I need to toss out the thoughts that lead to icky feelings. I cannot let them come back once I've embraced them and sunk in. I need to replace them with better thoughts and the feelings will then transform. Maybe I don't want what I think I want. Maybe I want what I actually have, which is wonderful.

Interesting - in the last weeks I've gotten a bunch of e-mails from women about porn. It must be epidemic. I started thinking - this has been with us forever, porn, girlie pictures, and prostitution. Playboy and Penthouse have been acceptable magazines for men forever. So now we have the internet, and its pretty much no different from Penthouse.

So it seems to me, the only thing we girls can do about it is say - don't bring it in the house! And yet, as soon as we say that, we push away a bit of openness in the relationship, and we are, just by saying it, accepting it outside the home.

I think women are just different than men, and looking at girlie pictures is just not that big a deal. It's a different kind of worldview than we have. Addiction to anything is always an avoidance of something, fear based.
But a man who looks at a Penthouse when it shows up or porn on the internet when he has a free moment and sees a picture of a pretty woman on ANY site ANYWHERE, as long as he can stop after 5 minutes and get back to his work or what he was doing - I don't see a problem with that. I see it as an acceptance of a man for not only who he is with all his bugaboos and weirdnesses (just like he accepts us for what must be incomprehensible perspectives and emotions) but his plain old MALENESS.

And I almost see it as giving us license to feel, be, and express more of our FEMALENESS. Whether or not you want to "keep it out of the house" is a pretty darn acceptable house rule too and should be a problem for him to deal with. "Keep it out of your life" seems way too much for any relationship to bear, and I wold like to encourage you to keep going with your own work to where you can negotiate, share, talk with him, and come to a mid-point agreement that you both can live with.

Making this about your insecurities just talks yourself into it. Talking about what you "can't handle" is perhaps way too negative. Let's talk instead about what you "don't want around you, in your environment" and see if you can go from there.
Love, R

critucal truths

January, 2006
The bottom line for him is not what's he's doing or not doing but the freedom he has to do what he wants and to be himself. Men and many women need to have the freedom to be unfaithful in their fantasies without fear of retribution or guilt.

That freedom regardless of what any man actually does or doesn't do with that freedom is one element that puts the juice in his relationship, you, and keeps everything flowing. He feels restricted at work, restricted by his other limitations, by his own demons, childhood issues. To experience you as an enhancing, freeing spirit in his life is an incalculable joy.

He would never, ever cheat on you for real, and he probably doesn't even do it in his mind (Men aren't that imaginative. They don't go off into fantasies like we do. They look at a picture of a woman, it's a quick buzz, then they see the sport's section, and that's the end of the woman.) When he looks at you it's a totally real experience. You want him to be with you which he does. The only limitations you have on him are in reality, and that's the limitation he not only can accept without tension, but it's the limitation he wants also for himself and for you.

Try to accept that he's a different animal. There's a complete difference between momentary eroticism in a picture for a man and the full bodied response he has to you in the flesh. What he wants to feel is that you know the picture is no competition; it only stokes the fires of his passion for you, and that's the kind of confidence he wants to see in you. Even if you don't feel it, you can think it, and then the feelings will follow.

He is very aware of what committment means, and if a masculine energy man needs to tell himself he's free at all times to choose you over and over again and that looking at pictures of other women helps him in that regard to not feel commanded by us, then that's a good thing.

And by not making a big deal about it, we are demonstrating self-esteem and self-love that we recognize these pictures are not real, that we rcognize that his fantasy life is not under our control, and we will not try to control it because we are confident in our power and committment and can let him be because we know he loves only us. This is a very powerful magnet for a masculine energy man.

I believe that the pornography is absolutely no issue at all judging from what you said. He was very non-defensive yet insisted on his own rights and boundaries to his own self, mind and fantasies included. He wants to make sure you are coming together a separate equals. He is standing firm for your relationship to have as few co-dependent elements as possible. He is strong enought to say basically, "Take me or leave me," and yet clearly he doesn't want you to leave him.

It is made absolutely clear by him and borne out by every man I've ever talked to or heard about that for men, sexual fantasies, pictures, etc. have NO emotional context. When we look at pictures or imagine things, there is an emotional, romantic imagery attached. We women imagine ourselves there and experience the emotional feelings.

Men don't work that way. It is purely an instinctual, habitual, physical response. When he looks at you however, he feels emotional context. It is completely separate for him, compartmentalized. He does not put you or the woman who passed on the street and he admired her breasts on even the same planet.

He is capable of looking at a strange woman's body and feeling slightly aroused and then turning to you, feeling love, and telling you he loves you without skipping a beat and without confusion in his mind or his heart. We women cannot even comptemplate this. You must accept this is so.