on (the) edge

July, 2008
Do you respect me? Do you care about how I feel?

I've been asking for your help, and you've been wonderful, seemingly open and honest and generous. This has felt really, really good.

I also made a small request, to not look when I'm right here in the other room or outside, a tiny concession considering all of this I've done and continue to do.

You said it would not be a problem. I was already reduced to behavior a couple of weeks ago that I abhor (snooping) which felt bad enough, but to have my suspicions confirmed made me feel so bad, confused, and upset.

You said in defense that you thought it was no big deal now that this door has been opened, so then why hide it and then lie about it? You said that it was just a white lie and though it did not feel as such to me and still doesn't, I let all of this go because I realize that this is new for you too, and maybe you were unsure as to how I would react. Maybe you were testing me to see if I was checking up on you.

But I have this nagging feeling from the other day that won't leave me, and I hate feeling it. I don't want to think that you would go back on your word and then lie to me again about it. Do you have anything you want to say to me?

This is what I wanted to say. I'm happy I didn't.