October 6, 2008

more work

I've been so focused on getting myself back to a semblance of myself so that I can work some on the relationship. We've been at a crossroads for a long time, he's right. But it's not an independent or dependent thing. It's not a question of being too concerned with stuff or what he thinks, yet it's all of that.

What it comes to is that I have never been able to relax enough around any relationship, to be authentic to myself, to be me in all my flaws and all my love and all my pain. I have never been able to love because of this, and it comes from my fears, my insecurities. It's what I've always wanted, and now I'm being challenged to be the vessel of love I have dreamed of.

Yes I'm still bruised and hurting at times, but it's an avoidance really. It keeps me from doing the real work. It keeps me from loving. It keeps me from love. I guess it must be very scary, but it's so uncomfortable being in that place where I question and doubt and imagine bad things and put an evil face on the one I want to love. I've had glimpses of another place where I can feel love and warmth and good yummy things flow through me, down my front, into my core self, and back up into my heart, and I feel good.

I am to separate his business from mine. I think I now know what he meant when he said I was being invasive and too concerned with what he thought. It's that I'm constantly analyzing, wondering, worrying, trying to solve problems that may not even be there. Whenever the questions and doubts arise, I need to transform them into soft, pink D thoughts and feelings. What is it that I feel? Do I feel nice, good, happy, turned on, excited, safe, warm? Do I feel sad, awful, icky, worried, confused, tense, terrible, frustrated? Am I having bad thoughts?

I must write if I cannot speak about why I feel it, memories it brings up if it does, and then I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state. I must go to a place where I feel good, a fantasy place, a place of transformation.

So how do I shift this relationship, start being more authentic? I need to start being true to me, warm and fuzzies and not so warm and fuzzies. I need to speak my feelings to him. How do I speak to him so that he hears me? I tell him how I feel, no elaboration or excuses or apologies, no reason why.

desire - dedication - determination

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