more heart to heart

Whenever there is a significant opening in me physically, especially in my back around the heart, I feel flooded with fear. At these times, I feel as though I flinch in response to every little thing. The fears fill my dreams, indifference, neglect, abandonment.

Recently I feel like I sense things from you, but I don't know anymore if it's me. It seems as though you are a little withdrawn, or is it me who is withdrawn? It seems as though you are wary of me, or is it me who is wary? It seems as though you are a little unhappy, or is it me who is unhappy? It seems as though you arr are a little sad, or is it me who is sad? It seems as though you are a little distracted, or is it me who is distracted? It seems as though you are a little angry, or is it me who is angry?

I can't tell the difference. Maybe I never could. I feel confused. I don't like feeling these things. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm afraid you are tiring of it. I'm afraid you are going to abandon me.

This stuff keeps coming up. I'm afraid of it, but I welcome it too. I want to get it out, release it. It feels like I'm at the heart of all of this, and this piece is resistant and resilient, a piece I likely put in place with good reason. It was necessary for my survival then and for a long time hence. I want to believe I don't need this piece anymore, but apparently not all of me is convinced, for that piece still clings for dear life. It's afraid. I'm afraid, to let go.

I can't stop this process. I don't want to. As horrible as it feels sometimes, I feel some of those fingers that hang on so desperately are losing and have even lost some of their hold. I want that piece to be freed. I want my heart to be free. I don't want any more limitations or conditions on her.

She wants so much to love fully, completely, without fear, open and vulnerable, pure. I feel it sometimes, and it's sweet, yummy, sensuous, and wonderful. I love it. I want to feel your love, you fully, completely, without fear, open and vulnerable, pure. I feel it sometimes, and it's sweet, lusty, luscious, passionate, and wonderful. I love it I love you.