September 23, 2008
Unzip my heart. Open it. Imagine his energy coming at me, coming into me, infusing me, permeating me. Let him in.
Even if I can't fully relax, it's okay. Feel him come to me, and let him in. Even if my heart wants to close, unzip it. Open it.
Lean back. Feel him. Feel his warmth. Let it all come into my heart and being. Let him touch my heart. Allow him to hold it in his hands. Allow his love and warmth to radiate.
I realize that he didn't understand the power it had to hurt, but now he does, so why then does he still do it? Stubborness? Anger? Exertion of freedom and independence? Habit? He tells me that it has no more significance than playing his video game. He tells me that it's not a reflection on me whatsoever.
I don't understand. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces. I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel so scared. I feel like I want to disappear, yet I feel so present. I feel so much ache and pain. I feel a band around my heart, yet when I can get it to release it feels so good, tenuous, a little daunting, a little frightening, yet it's nice. Is this the source of my uneasiness? To allow an opening and release is huge and wonderful, but it also leaves me feeling enormously vulnerable.
I'm so tired of writing about this. I'm so tired of these thoughts that plague me constantly. It keeps me from going more deeply into myself, more deeply with him. It protects me from harm, but it disallows the love I seek within and without.
I have a deep, disturbing relationship with porn. I don't really know why it triggers me so. It's never come up before. Am I so weird, naive? I feel like I'm part of a harem, yet I know this is ridiculous.
Is he normal? Am I? I have used many techniques to attack my obsession, meditations, deep body work, coaching, tantric sexual healing, acupuncture, so many tools I've learned.
I can choose to let it all go by sinking into the awful feelings when they come up, walking myself through them and back out into light. It's so hard. I must stop myself whenever I find myself trying to figure out where he is with it. I can choose each and every moment. I am the creator of my thoughts. I need to sink into my anxiety and release him from my mind.
I acknowledge my obsession, and I must take the gremlin out, the one that whispers into my ear, telling me awful lies. The gremlin is mean, ugly, seductive, yet I must put him in a corner along with the tape that loops inside my head. I must drop down as deeply as possible. I must feel my pain, feel the feelings, and then drop my energy down. Gently pull back the icky thoughts.
Every time the obsession takes hold, feel K giving me his love. He's told you you are important to him. He doesn't want to hurt you. It's all okay. It's all wonderful, beautiful. Receive all the time. Waves of love and devotion come from him all the time, flooding my being and my heart. He's cherishing me all he time. All the time!!! He's smiling at me, touching me, loving me all the time. All the time!!!
September 22, 2008
September 15, 2006
The goal of everything, all this work, is of course ultimately about you. About opening up to life, opening your heart and body. This is separate from K. You're not doing it for him; you're doing it for you. However the most important thing right now in your personal growth is the relationship. And specifically being open in the relationship - not just through your body but through your words. To get to the point in the relationship where you can communicate about anything you choose to share. And what you choose to share determines the depth of the relationship.
If you choose to share your deepest fantasies, then you will allow him to share his deepest fantasies. Not wanting to hear them, you'll not speak about yours. Keeping secrets is very tricky business. I do not share much about my inside life with my husband (I don't think he's ever expressed interest in or read a word of my books or anything I write.) but he's free to. I'm very aware what I don't want him to read or know about me is my choice to keep the relationship superficial. It's about the level of trust I have.
For you getting closure in the leering, salacious side of K that you are fixating on may be about going into that milieu and seeing and experiencing it for yourself. And yet it's not a book you read or a picture you saw or a fantasy you had - but an actual nighttime visit to a real place. If I stop into a porno shop or lingerie shop to buy myself a sex toy, I don't feel the need to tell my husband about it - we've done it together. But if I was concerned, and it bothered me to think of him going into such a place or renting a porn video or catching some girls gone wild on TV, then my visit would eat at me. It would fester and bother me. It would be a secret because we'd never had the discussions and the ease to talk about this part of our lives.
Essentially you are working on your internal reactions to something that is commonplace and acceptable to most people - looking at pictures of naked girls every once in awhile. This has to do with you and control and curiosity and all kinds of feelings you really want to get to and get familiar with and release their hold on you.
I just want you to look at things from his point of view. And to look at everything as an opportunity to deepen the relationship by talking rather than tip-toeing around things. I don't know how to tell you to do this, just to please be aware of your stress level, where the guilt comes in, how open you feel around K, how he's being, how you're talking with each other about stuff, whether or not he feels free to unburden himself to you, and how if you were him with the same sensitivities you have, he'd like you to be with him. I vote for communication as the most important thing on the plate here. This may take some thought, some writing, some really looking at him and the relationship, and how this all fits together.
You are brilliant and on the edge of something really incredible. What is keeping you from marriage is not your feelings of inadequacy, we all have those, but your fear of the depths of intimacy you could go without some of the secrets you still hold. I'm going to have to up the level of my life just to keep ahead of you. It's easy for me to talk - I'm inspired to take some more giant leaps so I can keep walking my talk.
September 21, 2008
Wow, is all I can say. This is like - amazing. Your letter is amazing - I will treasure it. Yes I believe him totally. Yes - believe him about everything. What happened in terms of your openness was not just about you - you're so sensitive to everything - you really were so much closer after that exchange - this is exactly what you want - you are beginning to be yourselves with each other and trust each other that who you are is who the other person loves.
And it's true - you do love who the other person really truly is, both of you. He truly, truly is into you in every way. This masturbation thing and the openness about it and the way this exchange went - you're fine with whatever he does as long as he takes care of you! - that's the crux of the whole relationship, right?!! - that is a good thing. Now he can share stuff about himself and not worry what you'll do.
He feels safe!!! This is so great. Please believe me - what you get when a man feels safe is soooooo much better than the control over his behavior you have to give up to get that feeling of safety. You'll begin to feel it too - and you guys are off to the races!
About the ickyness - just leftover stuff, just habit. Do what you've been doing, keep allowing, being, trusting, saying your feelings; let things roll and unfold. Just don't give energy to the icky stuff. Go in for a moment; feel it in your body, and then let it go through the beautiful garden of light and the love you really have between you.
The Gremlin will never, never go away forever. Just don't give energy to the Gremlin; keep expanding; keep being the sky and K and everything, and the Gremlin will get smaller and smaller in response, and you'll by annoyed by it less and less and live your life from a place of love and trust and better things to do with your thoughts than hand them over to the nasty Voice of the Gremlin!
You brought him in as a way to challenge deeper issues - issues which your ex-husband had no ability to help you connect with - and as you are connecting with them, the need for the trigger is disappearing.
In co-dependency both people are so afraid to bring up their "stuff" and their feelings and their fear, they are hugely invested in the status quo. Any change of any kind is feared - by the mind! However - you've been going around the mind. By going into the body and your heart, you're making changes on an elemental level that are, because you two actually DO have a strong bond that is NOT co-dependent, of course prompting all kinds of adjustments in and for K - but they are pleasant! They feel good to him.
You're not going around demanding stuff and laying out boundarries with a heavy trowel - you're sinking in. So he's adjusting. He's dealing with his adjustments and his feelings and his fear - but what his mind and his fears were telling him is not what he's experiencing! He's experiencing (and so are you) that closeness that feels good! So the co-dependency is just sort of falling away.
I cannot really know or understand how men are, how they work inside. I can accept and embrace them and their differences. They have an ability to disconnect, compartmentalize that most women do not, that most women would find incomprehensible. We connect emotionally to everything, especially women like me who are so sensitive, so sensory, so self-aware physically and emotionally and spiritually.
Recently I have become even more aware and able to touch surrounding energies, others and their feelings. I can feel a person even through a photograph. I can connect with a person's spirit instantly, and my instincts in this regard are quite accurate. This ability is mostly inconceivable to men. Their emotional connection lies with us. We facilitate this in them if we allow it within ourselves. This is their path to peace, love, and freedom, through our hearts.
I am K's vehicle on his journey to love and in love which defines itself as peace and freedom and contentment in his mind and heart. The journey within my own heart and more deeply my soul is crucial to his. As we walk our respective paths, they will merge the more, the more I allow myself access to my depths, my deepest, darkest secret places, my well of brimming love where my angel goddess resides. The farther I venture forth, the deeper and closer we will grow together, dance together in a love for each other so profound. It really is up to me.
This is the love dreams are made of, poets wax rhapsodic about, a few special beings have the honor and the wonderful, blissful, immeasurable delight in experiencing.
This is my dream. This will be. This is.
September 16, 2008
June 26, 2006
There are many areas in which the communication between you and K does not flow completely, as easily and effortlessly as - believe me it can (and will). Having come so far and feeling things so much easier than they were - imagine how it would feel if you were to double that gain - wouldn't that be a nice place?
It's very reachable - there are still many secrets that your solar plexus tension is holding onto. I know you want it gone, and yet in a very real way you don't. In a very real way, whatever you solar plexus is holding onto, you may not be, no matter how much you want to be, completely ready to be a person who is without that secret.
Who would you be without the thought, "I'm not good enough"? There is a part of you being held together by this last bit of tension that doesn't want to let go of being the person who hears that as truth. The part of you that does not want to live with the reality of this uncertainty of knowing where K is at on this issue, who needs to understand rather than accept, who would feel rudderless without that anchoring thought of, "I'm not good enough, and K's behavior is proof of that."
Instead of analyzing this, what would it be like to be a person who could simply accept all this and move on? Who would you be? How would it feel to let go of this core issue, this old belief, this past life? Imagine how your solar plexus is grabbing onto that thought. Imagine slowly tearing its fingers away from it; imagine letting that thought go. It means cutting the cord to what you have always believed about yourself and moving into an unknown in which nothing makes sense. In which you have to proceed into uncharted territory with a newly minted and unfamiliar ship called D.
Men want what you want: to feel connected; to feel admired, loved, appreciated; to feel there is someone beside them, mentally, psychologically, emotionally; to feel free to be who they are and accepted and loved even with their faults; to be known; to be loved even when they are known; to be responsible and respected but not beholding; to be allowed to give and have what they give be received but not to be owing or demanded or pressured.
They have exactly the same needs. They're just wired a little differently in their brains and body, and they process information differently. They have a need to go outward and make their mark and give and leave an impression.
We mostly need to connect. We are about relationship; they are more about how things work. These qualities are supposed to dovetail so that the team has all of these qualities, together. Otherwise we're both at one end of the dinghy and end up taking on water. Without some sense of mystery - as how women work or how men work, we're cutting off some of the joy of the whole thing. Otherwise we should marry women!
My wish is for you to abandon these notions that you can understand anything and simply make a choice to take him as he is however that is and to heal your own self by staying with your deepest feelings and sharing them as much as you can, reveling in your own body and how good it feels when it mixes with his, and let the past and the rest go.
Believe in yourself and your relationship even when you are tense. Believe that you have cleared a piece of the past that had a hold on you. Let it go. Take another step forward on the game board, if not by actually feeling better yet, by believing that you will tomorrow, and that it's just a matter of sinking into yourself, letting go of what doesn't work or feel good, and stepping forward at the same time.
The catching, the blocking, the tension is very real, caused by traumas, physical and emotional all locked into my muscle memory, but it's also a habitual response, and it creates separation as my protection when things feel too good, as if I need to suffer for my rewards, or when I'm afraid. I have already suffered greatly.
Suffering is earthbound and no longer necessary, all the sinking feelings, the not good enough stuff, the pain, the obsessive thoughts. In an odd way, the pain makes me feel more whole, and that's okay. Embrace it. Love it, for it has kept me from sinking under. I must change my beliefs. I must walk the road to my goddess self bathed in bright light full of love and in all my glory.
You sound so wonderful. My heart is full with great kudos for your bravery and the lightening speed with which you've pretty much dismantled your defenses and created an entirely new space for yourself and your relationship to rest in. You are quite simply amazing.
About the mood swings. You've moved so fast and stirred so much up, stuff is just coming up and most likely will continue to come up as you disarm more and more. Going through the pain that comes up is what's getting you to the other side, so every time icky stuff comes up, it's another opportunity to go deeper, release more, get more joy! Seems like a nice, dependable process you've got going there! Doesn't always feel great, but you know you'll have a reward at the end when you go through it. The water gets muddy, and then it gets clear.
About me. I hesitate to imagine what it's like to be a man and what is or isn't standard. And the most obvious thing I can get my mind around is that they compartmentalize, and we don't. They see absolutely no relation between a picture of a strange woman's naked body and genitals and the naked body and genitals of the woman they love. One goes straight to the physical - must be some completely different part of the brain, and one goes to the heart, the core, the psychology.
It is disturbing. I always feel disturbed when my husband says something that rings of - what is to me - the most superficial sexual context imaginable, and then in the next moment he can reach for me in a completely, utterly different way. I can feel the difference. It's as though one moment he's a schoolboy and another he's my husband.
My belief is that I don't need to give a moment of my life's energy to thinking about my husband's (or any man's) psychological process. (Unless that would interest me intellectually - which is NOT a good place to go with someone you want to have a deeply connected, intimate relationship with.)
It's his to deal with. All I care about is that he knows what makes me happy and what doesn't, and that he demonstrates, repeatedly, his intention to do what makes me happy. The rest he is free to contemplate, and I am free to ignore.
Hope that helps.
You're going to have to separate out the person, K (the soul of K), and the behavior of human being K. You're going to have to separate out any and all behavior from your love for the person. You're going to have to accept him exactly as he is.
As long as he's not blowing smoke into your lungs or forcing you to eat food you don't like, he's just doing his thing. You are going to have to become uncaring of his behavior out of love for the person. You can do this. When you look at him, look at his soul behind his eyes. Look at him with love. His behavior is mostly meaningless.
People can hurt us in many ways, by many behaviors which trigger pain in us. Even if they don't mean to. There is a limit on what one person can do to change his or her behavior for another without compromising him or herself. Some behaviors are destructive - but this is not the case here. His behavior is well within normal bounds.
There is also a limit on what a person can do to change for another if it is not his or her good time. Everyone has his or her own journey. We're all on our own paths. You cannot push or shove someone to a higher state. That creates resistance in them which is worse than ignoring their folly. Every man has foolishness and folly and bad thinking and stupidity and all kinds of things. You must separate this out and see him as another human being. And perhaps he is not more conscious than you. Perhaps he is not on a higher level than you. He is simply on his own path.To truly love him is to let him be. Let him discover his own path.
You on the other hand, if you like his brand of love and his smell and his soul, then bless him and his follies and let them go. Get on with your own path. It is not stuck back there in this issue, I guarantee you. Get on with this. Letting go will enable many other doors to open up.
This pornography issue can heal you if you let it go and feel how it feels to let it go. I even say - EMBRACE IT. It is clearly a path to healing for you. EMBRACE PORN. Learn to love it. Do a 180. See how you feel, nausea and all. Get through loving it. Love what it is. This is. Become a Stripper; take a class. Go ahead.
K is with you and has this folly for a reason. It's not an accident. And I don't believe he's the one who's supposed to change. I believe it's you! I would imagine you will leap another few thousand karmic lifetimes by doing this. Go ahead, feel what it feels like to embrace porn. And embrace K for bringing this to you so you could embrace it.
The pain is the resistance. If you are resisting - perhaps you were a courtesan once; perhaps you were a porn star in some strange land; perhaps your childhood created pain. Let go. Embrace. You are moving forward. You will go nowhere if you stay stuck in "Why".
His head is likely not where I would think it is. Men don't go to the places women do. Don't even go there. Don't go there!!! This impedes my going deeper. Stay with me and my feelings. What's blocking my progress is the part of me that needs to control things. This is what is making me feel yucky.
What if I can't control anything? What if I were floating from moment to moment without any way to affect anything? What if I stopped manifesting for a moment and simply let it be? What would it feel like just to be? What if I could give up caring if K can be trusted and just believe he can? What if I could deeply and profoundly love and accept myself? What if I could deeply and profoundly love K? How would that feel? Instead of asking why and trying to process, imagine myself in a peaceful place. Breathe in and out of my heart.
I don't need you to heal, but I want to heal in your presence. - tinque
The greatest loves are the most challenging, for they force you to grow in the most profound ways if that is what is wanted. - tinque
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tze
I believe I said that the whole act of a masculine energy man committing to one woman is so momentous and huge that looking at playboy or the internet or some innocuous, not real representation of other women gives that man a release valve for his anxiety about that commitment and the fear that he will never again experience the purely physical thing of sleeping with a big variety of women (which is what he is programmed to want to do).
He is very aware of what commitment means, and if a masculine energy man needs to tell himself that he's free at all times to choose you over and over again and that looking at pictures of other women helps him in that regard to not feel commanded or pussywhipped by us, then that's a good thing for us.
And by not making a big deal about it, we are demonstrating self-esteem and self-love - that we recognize these pictures are not real, that we recognize that his fantasy life is not under out control and will not try to control it because we know he loves only us. That is a very powerful magnet for a masculine man.
When you are able to speak heart to heart -- you can ask deeper questions without getting a defensive response.
September 2, 2008
About the words. When you can finally do a heart-to-heart talk with him, where you can bare your heart simply and cleanly and let him know exactly what is you want in smaller, less explosive issues, you will find a way to communicate this too.
You might try verbalizing a fantasy for him during sex - or sometime when you're just snuggling. You might try trading fantasies (though his might be bit rough for you - be prepared and open). Tell him where you are - tell him what you say and what he says. It's an opening, and what you're looking for here is not instant results but an opening to communicating on a deeper, more honest level with him.
Remember - bottom line - he must make you more happy than he makes you unhappy. There is nothing you can do to make him more affectionate, to tell you how he feels, or in any other way get him to do what you want him to do.
All you can do is inspire him to such acts by being fun, relaxed, responsive, and putting absolutely no pressure of any kind on him. You've already asked him some deep questions, and he's clearly uncomfortable answering some of them. The only way you can bring any of this up is to talk about your own feelings - happy ones and sad ones - and no more asking what he thinks and feels about your relationship!
Whenever he does not respond the way you want him to, it throws you into a bad feeling state and insecurity. So don't ask. If you're really feeling out of it - do whatever you need to do to feel better, even if it's telling him you feel lousy and lonely.
Big news! Okay, I had a heart-to-heart, I think. I've been haunted by those images of him looking, so I had to talk to him. I said, "I feel nervous bringing this up, but my heart hurts much of the time, and I feel confused. I don't understand things about you and us, so my mind makes things up, and it eats at me."
I asked if he had a secret life. He said there was no secret life.
"Is everything on the table?" I asked. "Yes," he said.
"It wasn't a few months ago." "What do you mean?""You know what I discovered ." "You mean the pornography? Are you still obsessing about that?"
I said next that I have been working so hard on this, but I hate wondering if he still does it or doesn't do it, that I hate thinking about it, and I get upset with myself for thinking about it. I keep coming back to that there is something lacking in me.
He continued by saying that if I'm so jealous that he can't look at another pretty woman and then let it go at that, then I have a problem, that this is all my problem basically. I replied that no it wasn't that so much as where it would go from there. He said that if I can't trust him then..., but I interjected, asking if he knew what I meant, and he thought I meant chasing after other women, but I said no. I told him that I know he wouldn't do that after what he's been through, and I know him well enough to know that isn't him. He caught on that I meant fantasy. He then said that I can't imagine the perfect relationship and expect him to fit into that.
I expressed that I want to be the prettiest, the sexiest in his life. He then spoke about looks and the danger/futility of having a relationship based on looks alone, for soon we'll be in our 60's, 70's etc. I told him that looks are important to me, but they are not the only thing, but I'm concerned that they are important to him. He responded that looks are important as an initial attraction. He also said that this relationship won't work if this is where I'm coming from or looking for or something like that. He went on to say that what I am saying indicates to him and/or if I'm unhappy with this relationship then I need to find what it is that makes me happy and go for it. "I need to be myself. You need to be yourself, and we will see if we can grow together from there."
Somewhere in here there was something about me not having the right or being able to control his fantasies and if I wanted to, then that was a serious problem. He can't even control what goes on in his little mind. I responded that I can't control him in this way nor would I want to.
He then pulled me towards him very tenderly and embraced me warmly, held me close. I asked if he loves me lots, and without hesitation and with great sincerity, he said he loves me lots and hugged and kissed me some more, smiling lovingly. I said in parting that I was afraid to love him all the way, for I'm afraid of being hurt. He replied that I need to let go, but I question if he's letting himself go all the way, heart and soul. He was very attentive and loving the reat of the evening, and we feel asleep in each others' arms.
This morning I asked him what loving me means to him or feels like to him and what me loving him means or feels like. He said he didn't have words for this, so I told him I had many and should I write them down. He said yes. Here is the list.
To cherish To feel cherished
To adore To feel adored
To support To feel supported
To respect To feel respected
To treasure To feel treasured
To admire To feel admired
To feel beautiful, sexy, sensual
Profound connection - heart/soul/sexually
Adventure/Exploration - together and individually
After reading this he said, "Yes please." He then took my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, tenderly, passionately, and then he hugged me.
Release. Let go. It's too much to bear.
You asked me to trust in my heart so that you,
Might feel safe enough to believe in it too.
Have you thought, my love, the reverse could hold true?
That you might not have faith in your feelings too?
Can I really feel protected yet open with you?
Release. Let go of the fears that you bear.
They're not necessary. It's secure. Love is what's there.
I am an angel, and I'm here to bring a little piece of love to this world.
Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. -tinque
When I'm feeling insecure, when I feel detached, when I feel numb, when the gremlins have me by the throat, look deeper. Am I angry? Am I angry at K for putting me into this space? Anger allows love which equals trust. I have powerful feelings, and it's okay to express them. Express them in the moment. I feel... Acknowledge all my feelings. Feel all that I feel. I must trust myself and my feelings. I must trust enough to be upfront.
The sun, the air, the light are wonderful lovers. Feel them. breathe in their sensual essences. Bathe in them. Relax. Breathe. Expand. Melt. Melt. Melt. Touch myself all over. Sensually meditate. Fantasize, Engage my entire body. Be curious. What if it's all good? What if everything is already as I wish it? Live the fantasy as if it's real. Bring him in. Allow him in. Sink into the heart of myself. It's powerful.
Imagine a stage. I'm on this stage, naked, gorgeous, magnificent. I raise my arms and open them wide. The audience smiles supportively, lovingly. I feel warm, sensuous, expansive. I feel embraced by the universe. I feel open and vulnerable, and it feels good. It feels like love. It is love.
I've been so focused on getting myself back to a semblance of myself so that I can work some on the relationship. We've been at a crossroads for a long time. He's right. But it's not an independent or dependent thing. It's not a question of being too concerned with stuff or what he thinks, yet it's all of that.
What it mostly comes to is that I have never been able to relax enough around any relationship to be authentic to myself, to be me in all my glory and all my flaws and all my love and all my pain. I have never been able to love because of this, and it comes from my fears, my insecurities, but I'm ready, I think, I hope. It's what I've always wanted, and now I'm being challenged to be the vessel of love I have dreamed of.
Yes I'm still bruised and hurting, but it's an avoidance really. It keeps me from doing the real work. It keeps me from loving. It keeps me from love. I guess it must be very scary, but it's so uncomfortable being in that place where I question and doubt and imagine bad things and put an evil face on the one I want to love. I've had glimpses of another place where I can feel love and warmth and good yummy things flow through me, and I feel good.
I'm constantly analyzing, wondering, worrying, trying to solve problems that may not even be there. See how I'm doing what I'm not to do anymore? Whatever he's thinking, feeling, doing, saying is his business, and I don't know what it is or what it means, and it's of no concern of mine.
Whenever these questions and doubts arise, I need to transform them into soft, pink D thoughts and feelings. What is it that I feel? Do I feel nice, good, happy, turned on, excited, safe, warm? Do I feel sad, awful, icky, worried, confused, tense, terrible, frustrated? Am I having bad thoughts? I must write if I cannot speak. Write about what I feel, why I feel it, memories it brings up if it does. I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state.
When I see him "looking" in my mind, and I feel hurt, sad, angry even, I feel insecure. Is this true? It's lying to me, making things up. Do I feel sad because I miss him? Do I feel a loss of connection to him, to myself? Breathe.
Imagine and feel the energy of my breath flowing into my nostrils, down into my torso, filling my lungs, my heart, my breasts, my diaphragm, my belly, flowing ever downward into my core, my sex, expanding me, energizing me, arousing me, causing me to glow.
Feel the energy pulse and rise back up my spine, filling my heart anew, as my shoulders relax and open, allowing my heart to be proffered to the universe, to him. My heart is opening to love. Love flows into me, through me, out of me. It flows between us.
So how do I shift this relationship, start being more authentic? I need to start being true to me, warm and fuzzies and not so warm and fuzzies. I need to speak my feelings to him. How do I speak to him so that he hears me? I tell him how I feel, no elaboration or excuses or apologies, no reason why. Find out what's going on in the moment for me and try to express it, bad and good.
When he hugs me, melt into him, as I already do, and tell him it feels good, feels nice. Tell him I'm feeling bad, sad, disconnected. Tell him I'm feeling happy, safe, secure. Tell him it feels good seeing him, that I missed him.
When I feel really bad, as best as I can, I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state, a place where I feel good, a fantasy place, a place of transformation.
I see a beautiful meadow filled with colorful wildflowers of pure, clean white, healing, calming lavender, soothing, sensuous pink, happy, smiling yellow, passionate, vibrant red, and tall, soft, lush green grass, all of which bow and sway in the gentle breeze that wafts through.
It brushes my cheek. It kisses my brow, my lips, caresses me, and loves me all over, as it penetrates the thin garment I wear, a sheer ivory robe with a loosely tied sash encircling my waist that dances with my every movement. My long tresses billow, riding the crest of a draught.
I raise my face to the warm, soul filling sun. I close my eyes and feel myself filling up with its loving sensual light. I'm filling up, and it feels so good. My eyes open, and I see him across the expanse of the field. He waves and welcomes me, and he smiles with great joy, delight spreading over his familiar features.
I run to him, as his arms open wide to invite me into him. I stop briefly, as we gaze at each other deeply. Our laughing, twinkling eyes meet and dissolve into a pool of openness. I fall into his embrace and melt. His arms enfold me, take me in.