October 10, 2008

I hate how I feel

I feel so inadequate, so in despair. I hate feeling like I'm a victim of my negative thoughts, trapped by my fears, rendered immobile by old habits.

I work so hard to release and let go, yet it seems endless, and when I feel inundated with bad thoughts of my own creation, thoughts that may have a grain of truth, I feel like I've come nowhere, that I'll never reach a place where I feel peace mostly and love always.

I wanted to feel, and now that I'm no longer numb, I'm in pain most of the time though there was pain in numbness too, of a different sort. I barely feel love at all, and this is so devastating. When I feel it, it feels amazing. I want to roll in it, bathe in it, taste it, swallow it, immerse my body, mind, heart, and spirit in it.

Why is it so tenuous? Why does it go away? Why am I seemingly so afraid of it? I want those ancient tears to flow, wash me clean. I want the ache in my heart to release. I want to feel my heart open, relaxed, vulnerable, free, bursting with sweet, exquisite love, radiating from me to him, him to me, through us to the universe.

So much has been opening, unveiling to free,
My heart, at times, torn to pieces carelessly.
Survival has forced me to hold on tight.
No longer needed, that life of fierce fight?

The walls are crumbling, falling away.
Feelings flow through me, some yet held at bay.
It's scary. It's awesome, wonderful, and new.
To unearth what has been buried, to feel you.

This woman of love, in dreams she came to me,
Asking me to create into reality,
All I wish for, peace and love so free,
A golden man of my heart, for all eternity.

It's all so daunting, here for the taking.
I wonder if I sleep, or am I awaking.
My eyes wide open, heart and soul trail behind,
Reaching to embrace life's mysteries in kind.

I love to feel your hands on me as they touch.
I love to hear you say words of love so much.
I love to see your look of lust and devotion.
I love to feel our passionate emotion.

I ache to revel, hesitate with fear unnamed.
I want to lose control, in love untold, untamed.
I want to go further, to the deepest of the deeps,
Intimate truth, soulful love, always for keeps.

I want to expose completely, share my all with you.
I want to feel your soul, embrace mine so true.
I offer you my love, through sunshine and in storm.
I offer you my heart, to have, to hold, full and warm.

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