March 18, 2009

life and love

Life is strange, surreal even. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all an illusion, a dream because it feels so tenuous, and sometimes I feel so removed from it, as if I'm an outsider looking in at all the wonders, all the pain, all of it. Sometimes it feels as if it shouldn’t be at all.

Life is love. We live for it. It’s so much a part of us, stronger even than the power of the fear of death. We rarely give up in our search for it. This feels very real.

Life is full of fear, and it feels just as real, maybe more so than the feelings of love. I feel fear hovering around me much of the time. How encompassing it might be varies from day to day, moment to moment.

Fear can rule you. Fear can drive you, usually into the ground.
Fear, any fear always comes back to the fear of death. So we seek love, and maybe if we find it, we will be saved from the death we so fear or at least be released from this fear. Yet the thought of allowing love in and then to have it yanked away at any time is an awful, awful thought and feeling too, scary, almost as scary as the fear of death because if it's happened to you, you know that's how it feels, like the end of everything.

You can live fearful of the inevitable, endings, any endings, the end, but this is paralyzing, leaving you fearful of most possibilities.
When it comes to love, as much as we crave it, fear can cause us to push love away. You can find yourself avoiding the very thing you want so desperately, the very thing that is life. LOVE.

Fear may be love's opposite, yet it's not its enemy.
You can learn to allow it to help you by allowing it to drive you in the direction you really want to go, into your heart, towards your passions. Instead of fighting the fear, give in to it, feel it fully. It won't consume you. The resistance is what fuels it. If you allow it, it will shift, change into something else.

An extension of this is to live in each and every moment fully. Live each moment as if it's the first one you ever had, one filled with awe and wonder and yes love. You will never get back any of your moments, so relish them, revel in them, love them no matter what they bring.

You have to allow it all, the good, the bad, the yummy, the icky, for it's all good. It all makes you stronger and closer to the peace you seek as well as the love you so wish for within yourself and for yourself. Yes it hurts to hurt, but how else would you know bliss if you haven't felt the deepest of abysses?

If you want something with all you have, anything and everything is possible, for desire allows belief which leads to even greater desire which leads you to the life you have dreamed of. And it will be. Remember that love is what we are born as, what we are. Life is love. Love is life.

March 13, 2009


Words inherently have no meaning other than the ones an individual might attach to them. This is a broad statement and not entirely true in that a tree will always be a tree no matter how someone might try to convince me otherwise.

But what about those words that shift and change, morph even depending on an individual's experience, upbringing, the society in which they live?

Words can and do hurt. They can and do feel bad, but it's contingent on what those words mean to you as an individual and the emotions they evoke. They can have different meanings, varied connotations depending on the person and also depending on the situation.

There are really no words that are "bad". I thought of the worst word for me, one that I hate to hear, write. The one word that makes me cringe. That word is cunt. Yet this words dates back to the Middle Ages if not before. Cunny shortened to cunte was no more offensive than vajayjay would be today. Chaucer's works are filled with this word.

A blonde could conjure up images of a bimbo, a woman with little upstairs, yet to others she might represent beauty.

I know of a woman who enjoys being called bitch in bed. I wouldn't like that at all. It would feel bad under any circumstances for me, but that's me. She's okay with it, so I'm okay that she's okay.

Men too have words attached to them that can have negative connotations. Player, playboy, gigolo all speak to me of men I would not want to know, but I'm sure there are many women who would disagree with me and many men who would feel quite alright being called any one of these, proud even.

Even the "n" word depending on who says it, where and how it is said is not always a "bad" word. I would find it offensive if spoken in my presence as would a great many others, yet it's spoken freely within the black community in a non-charged fashion. Anywhere else though, no way.

My man calls me his hussy slut ho which for me speaks of my sexual blossoming and the freedom I discovered in that which I explored with him. He speaks it with love, respect, admiration, and adoration. This makes me feel as the most sensuous goddess, for that is how it is meant. It's something fun and playful between us.

Yet to some these words connote degradation; they represent a fallback to a time when women were nothing but possessions, objects to be used at will. These could be thought of as some of the lowest things one can call a woman. This could be true for me too if someone said this to me with evil intent, if the implication was that I was promiscuous which means to me that I would have numbed myself so much, that I would be such pain from my numbness that I would feel compelled to sleep with anything that has a dangly between his legs or something like that. In this context it would feel awful. To someone else it might mean something else altogether.

No word is pure in its meaning. Any word can mean many things to many different people. No word is inherently bad. It's all about the individual and/or the context. So I will continue to love, embrace my hussy slut ho-ness within my relationship, the one with whom I share my bed, my life, my heart, my beloved.

March 5, 2009

thought for today, for always

The closer you come to allowing yourself to touch your core, your deepest heart, the love you were born as, the love you are, the more in harmony you will be with others, and the more as love they will feel to you, for you are opening yourself, your heart, allowing yourself to touch, to feel their core, their love, they as love.

What others think of you has very little to do with who you are. It has mostly to do with habits of thought they have developed. You create you own as well, and you can change them.

If you want to have thoughts and thus feelings about others that feel good, then create a fantasy that makes you feel warm and peaceful, full. This is especially effective with those to whom you are close, your beloved, a dear friend, because it means more to you. Soon, sooner than you might believe possible, he or she will begin to modify to meet your fantasy.

It's not as woo woo or maybe as arrogant as it may sound. It's simple really. It's all about the energy you project, and what you project comes back to you.

Keep in mind that the fantasy likely more closely aligns with who this person really is which is love, resembling the truth far more than your old habits of thought. The more you live and love as this truth, the more it will be your reality.

March 3, 2009

the sexual divine

I received a letter from a man who lives in a religious and seemingly sexually repressed society. He lives his life by the Bible, yet his interpretation seems to differ vastly from what he's been taught.

He wishes to celebrate the human body in all its beauty including the joy of sexual orgasm without shame or embarrassment as his reading of the Bible seems to tell him. Yet his upbringing and the teachings in his community contradict this. Women cover themselves, hide their beauty as well as suppress and deny their sexuality, all things this man would feel are God given.

How sad is this. Sex is divine. Sex is to be with the divine. It's a divinely beautiful and precious gift that if we allow ourselves to let go and open enough to fully enjoy, nothing will ever come close to the purity of feeling and state you will experience when you allow yourself to completely relax into orgasm. It's not named "little death" by the French for nothing.

You touch the divine in those blissful moments. Nothing else exits but you in a pure love, pure being state, especially if you are able to share your orgasm with a beloved. Nothing else makes me feel more connected to life, to love, to the collective unconscious, to the universe. Nothing else makes me feel more gorgeous and goddess like. Nothing else feels soooooooo good.