April 27, 2009


Thinking read analyzing will get you into trouble every time. Each time you ask yourself, "What is he doing? What is he thinking", you are opening the door wide, inviting your lying little gremlin voices in, and they will come in, happily, gladly. They will whisper little nastys in you ear. Those little whispers will become screams in no time. They know your vulnerable spots, and they will find them. They will worm their way in; they will take you over if you let them, and as you know this hurts.

You are at your most vulnerable whenever you are feeling shaky, if only a little bit, and you may not even know you are wavering, not until you find yourself being revisited by whatever it is that triggers you as evidenced by those little friends of yours.

The temptation to give in to those thoughts and analyze a likely non-existent situation is strong. The icky feelings flood in, the thoughts escalate, and soon you're sinking ever deeper into an abyss, spiraling into hell.

You must catch yourself as soon as possible. You can recognize that you're feeling shaky, that you've been triggered, or really you are triggering yourself, and you know because "they" are talking to you.

Know that you are only having these thoughts and feelings like this because you've been thrown for whatever reason, maybe even only a fleeting thought of which you were totally unaware. Know that this is all you, all your stuff, not anyone else's.

We go to these places because they are familiar and there is comfort in familiarity even if it feels uncomfortable as strange and contradictory as that may sound. Opening yourself, being vulnerable is the scariest thing you will likely ever do. Sometimes it just feels too much. Deep down we can feel unworthy, so these thoughts keep what you wish for at arm's length. Or we can feel fear, a fear that it will all be taken away, so if we run interference in the form of these bad thoughts, the analyzing, we won't be hurt by the hurt that is surely inevitable.

THIS IS ALL NONSENSE. This is old thinking. These are old habits.

Indulge in a shaky feeling moment if you wish. Turn the thoughts over a few times if you must, but then recognize them for what they are, silly and unfounded. Laugh at them. Dismiss them. Talk to them. Soothe them, or turn them into a beautiful memory, one that more resembles the truth. Allow the new feelings that arise to seep in and permeate you.

So don't be afraid when those thoughts and feelings come to visit.
Old thinking and old habits won't disappear quickly or completely for that matter. They may come to visit periodically always, but that's okay. Yes they feel unpleasant. Yes it can feel as though you are not progressing or not progressing fast enough. Yes it can be frustrating, but I'm here to tell you that they do diminish with time in intensity, as time between visits grows. When they appear know that it's simply a reminder that there's more work to do. There's always more work to do, and this is part of the journey, and it's yours. This is your life, and it's wonderful.

April 13, 2009

what's really bothering you

Whatever thoughts you may have around any bad feelings or negative thoughts that arise, more specifically and more importantly with someone significant in your life, eg. your beloved, whether it be something real or imaginary, most of the time those thoughts are not true. They are the stories you create, as your old stuff is being tapped into, and these stories have nothing to do with what's at hand.

The situation which created the bad feelings and/or negative thoughts may seem very real. It certainly feels real, and in a sense it is. But what's really going on is that you are being triggered, and your gremlin voices have crept back in telling you lies based on your past, the hurts, the traumas that feel much like what is occurring in the present.

You had a moment of shakiness instigated by a word, an event which allowed them to breach the boundaries of your goddess self to release an old pain, again one that has nothing to do with the now. It's an ancient fear, one that may very well always be with you, but the more you can recognize it for what it is, something from the past, the less impact it will have on you now. It's the old stuff coloring the new.

For example this past weekend was my birthday. I already knew what my present from my man was going to be, a beautiful diamond and ruby ring and not a small one. Almost everyone I had told about getting this wonderful gift to come asked me if it meant we were getting married. This hadn't even occurred to me.

Though someday I would like to do this, even after seven years it doesn't feel like the right time. We are so good together that there's a fear that it might spoil this great thing we have, and for all intents and purposes we are already married, our hearts and souls are that is. We are already committed to each other. We adore each other. We have an amazing sex life that is firmly connected to our hearts in a never ending spiraling figure eight between us. A piece of paper cannot add to this. And honestly it's just not that important to me anymore.

In some ways marriage feels like an artificial construct imposed by society. So when and if it happens, it would be lovely; it would maybe be a tiny little extra something special, but really it would be more about ease of maneuvering within the constraints of our legal system.

Anyway I dismissed everyone's conjectures, but as the day approached, I started feeling strange, anxious, disconnected from myself and from him. I started having thoughts that looked like, "He's been talking animatedly with our mutual friend. I haven't been really included in the conversation. Does he have a thing for her? Does he fantasize about being with her?"
Now she's happily married , and when I'm being sane, I know to my core that my man is very happy with me, lusts only for me.

This escalated. I started having thoughts again about the images he looks at sometimes, porn, photos of much younger, prettier? women. I wondered if he thinks about being with any of them. Or worse he imagines one or more of them when we make love. Of course all of this was affecting how I was being with him. He's very sensitive to me, so he knew something was up with me.

Then HE started feeling weird to me, distant, almost cold even though on the surface he seemed the same. I asked him if something was bothering him, and he came back with that he was feeling like I'm expecting him to validate my existence.
I was floored. Whatever strange energy I was putting out, it certainly wasn't that. He can't do that for me. I have to do that for myself. He knows that I know that and live that.

My energy notwithstanding, it became clear to me that he was being triggered. And I also realized that I too was being triggered by something far deeper than the silly incident with our friend.
Something else was going on with both of us, and apparently we were also feeding off of each others' energy.

In a moment I understood. A ring such as this is deeply symbolic. As unconventional as we are, we are still traditional in our own ways. Even for us, something such as a diamond ring resonates with proposals and weddings.

Deep within I was worrying that he would ask. Not that I would have said no had he, but I really didn't want him to, not now. And this is probably what was triggering him as well. He was likely concerned that this is what I was expecting, so he was feeling pressured, a pressure of his own making by the way. He was not wanting to do this either, not right now. He was misreading my weird energy as I was his.

So all the bad thoughts I was having had nothing to do with what was going which was nothing really. It was all based on unfounded fears. The not wanting to get married just yet was being masked by old stuff which for me looks like abandonment fears, and for him it looks like demands and/or expectations being imposed on him.

As soon as I figured this out, my energy reestablished itself and since men take our lead in this, his quickly did too. I shared all of this with him. He laughed almost in dismissal, but I know he understood the dynamic which had been created between us.

So the next time you're having bad thoughts about the one you love, you might ask yourself, "Is this true? Could it really be something else altogether? What if it weren't true? What if this is really my stuff and has nothing to do with him at all?"

This alone will help you feel better. If you can figure out what it really is that's bothering you, it will help all the more. Even if the facts of what you think is troubling you appear to be true, likely it's not what you've created out of it. You have the power to realize that everyone gets triggered, the wisdom to understand that it's not about you, and the courage to manage your own stuff, whatever comes up for you. You have been brought together to heal or not. As I've said before, "Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed." The choice is yours. So, what's really bothering you?