October 16, 2008


When I feel bad, when my thoughts turn to the negative, when they dwell on and obsess about his possible thoughts, when they insist on making me feel small and insignificant, inconsequential, not enough in any way, when they push me off my tiny stand of confidence and self-esteem, when they denigrate and deride me, when I allow then to take me over, I have to remember that those voices LIE.

Whatever is the truth, it has little if any resemblance to those lying voices. Those nasty voices keep my walls in place, and they can become loud and strident whenever I break through.

It's fear. It's a form of protection. To open wide, to release completely into vulnerability is the most frightening thing I will ever do, and my instincts scream in protest. Those screams become the lying voices. I have to push them away, ignore them with everything I have.

The feelings are very real. The feelings must be felt, the anger, the sadness, the grief, the fear are all real. I need to sink into those feelings, feel them, and allow them to pass. Feel the anger. It will pass. Feel the sadness. It will pass. Feel the grief. It will pass. Feel the fear. It too will pass.

Relax as best as I can. Open my heart as much as it will at any given moment. Smile, to my heart, to my entire being. Feel more deeply. Embrace it all; integrate it all. They are all my friends. Hold them. Love them. Relax even more if possible. Open even more if I can.

Imagine something beautiful, anything that feels good, an exquisite sunset, a star-filled night sky, a big full moon, a garden full of smiling flowers, ladybugs, swans, butterflies, faeries, a dear friend. Imagine it all, the colors, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the little details. Make it as real as possible.

I love to imagine my beloved, love bursting from his heart, his sweet face, his radiant smile. I see him take my face into his beautiful hands and kiss me deeply, adoringly, lovingly, sweetly, tenderly. I feel him caress me all over, his hands on my breasts, my belly, my thighs, my sex. I smell his special smell buried in his neck, behind his ears. I feel the anticipation, the excitement, the love, the passion, all of it.

Know that this is the true reality. The Voices may be resilient and resistant, but I am stronger than they.

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