another heart to heart

4/28/2007
I've been struggling for awhile now. It hurts. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've had periods of respite, sometimes long spells when I feel so good, so connected to you, when I feel so much love flowing between us, but then the clouds descend again.

I know what the trigger is, but I'm not sure what the deeper issue is, or maybe I do. I could guess that it's old father and/or mother issues, feelings of inadequacy, the emotional molestation I suffered, not feeling loved.

It could be that all I've known of love or what was called love was pain, conditions, strings attached, so when presented with the real thing, you, it feels so good; I revel in it, but maybe my subconscious can't handle it for too long. It's too unfamiliar, or it thinks it's bound to be taken away; I'm going to be abandoned anyway, so it creates pain which is the known as horrible as it feels. Or maybe it's something else.

It's still the porn. I still obsess. I still feel badly around it. I want to understand, but I don't. I want to believe that you are wired differently as a man than me as a woman, for I emotionally connect to a picture. I imagine a whole scene all senses included all in a split second. I'm told it's not at all like that for a man. I want to believe it's a harmless habit born from whatever reasons. I want to believe that it has nothing to do with me, that it might even enhance our sex life, but I can't seem to get there.

When you kiss on me, hug on me, touch me, fondle me, admire me, become aroused by me and what I do sexually or otherwise, I love it so much, but a small piece of me thinks for example any breasts would turn you on, so mine aren't anything special, yet I know I'm special and special to you.

When I think you are home alone, sometimes, often, I feel anxious, worried whether you are looking at it or not, and when I come home, if I know you've been here, I feel fear and a sense of helplessness. If you haven't been here I feel relieved, but I also feel guilty for being like this.

I feel so confused. I've worked so hard on this, and I've come so far. I've grown so much. I've blossomed. I've released and let go of so much. Sometimes this is only a blip on my screen, but sometimes it's a big wave.

Either way it's still present. It hasn't gone away. I hate it. I hate the thoughts I have around it. I hate the monster I create around it likely having little resemblance to the truth of it. I sometimes feel like I want to disappear in the face of it. I wish it would go away. Yet I really, really want to let this go, but I also really, really want you to stop. I don't know what to do anymore.