I've been so focused on getting myself back to a semblance of myself so that I can work some on the relationship. We've been at a crossroads for a long time. He's right. But it's not an independent or dependent thing. It's not a question of being too concerned with stuff or what he thinks, yet it's all of that.
What it mostly comes to is that I have never been able to relax enough around any relationship to be authentic to myself, to be me in all my glory and all my flaws and all my love and all my pain. I have never been able to love because of this, and it comes from my fears, my insecurities, but I'm ready, I think, I hope. It's what I've always wanted, and now I'm being challenged to be the vessel of love I have dreamed of.
Yes I'm still bruised and hurting, but it's an avoidance really. It keeps me from doing the real work. It keeps me from loving. It keeps me from love. I guess it must be very scary, but it's so uncomfortable being in that place where I question and doubt and imagine bad things and put an evil face on the one I want to love. I've had glimpses of another place where I can feel love and warmth and good yummy things flow through me, and I feel good.
I'm constantly analyzing, wondering, worrying, trying to solve problems that may not even be there. See how I'm doing what I'm not to do anymore? Whatever he's thinking, feeling, doing, saying is his business, and I don't know what it is or what it means, and it's of no concern of mine.
Whenever these questions and doubts arise, I need to transform them into soft, pink D thoughts and feelings. What is it that I feel? Do I feel nice, good, happy, turned on, excited, safe, warm? Do I feel sad, awful, icky, worried, confused, tense, terrible, frustrated? Am I having bad thoughts? I must write if I cannot speak. Write about what I feel, why I feel it, memories it brings up if it does. I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state.
When I see him "looking" in my mind, and I feel hurt, sad, angry even, I feel insecure. Is this true? It's lying to me, making things up. Do I feel sad because I miss him? Do I feel a loss of connection to him, to myself? Breathe.
Imagine and feel the energy of my breath flowing into my nostrils, down into my torso, filling my lungs, my heart, my breasts, my diaphragm, my belly, flowing ever downward into my core, my sex, expanding me, energizing me, arousing me, causing me to glow.
Feel the energy pulse and rise back up my spine, filling my heart anew, as my shoulders relax and open, allowing my heart to be proffered to the universe, to him. My heart is opening to love. Love flows into me, through me, out of me. It flows between us.
So how do I shift this relationship, start being more authentic? I need to start being true to me, warm and fuzzies and not so warm and fuzzies. I need to speak my feelings to him. How do I speak to him so that he hears me? I tell him how I feel, no elaboration or excuses or apologies, no reason why. Find out what's going on in the moment for me and try to express it, bad and good.
When he hugs me, melt into him, as I already do, and tell him it feels good, feels nice. Tell him I'm feeling bad, sad, disconnected. Tell him I'm feeling happy, safe, secure. Tell him it feels good seeing him, that I missed him.
When I feel really bad, as best as I can, I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state, a place where I feel good, a fantasy place, a place of transformation.
I see a beautiful meadow filled with colorful wildflowers of pure, clean white, healing, calming lavender, soothing, sensuous pink, happy, smiling yellow, passionate, vibrant red, and tall, soft, lush green grass, all of which bow and sway in the gentle breeze that wafts through.
It brushes my cheek. It kisses my brow, my lips, caresses me, and loves me all over, as it penetrates the thin garment I wear, a sheer ivory robe with a loosely tied sash encircling my waist that dances with my every movement. My long tresses billow, riding the crest of a draught.
I raise my face to the warm, soul filling sun. I close my eyes and feel myself filling up with its loving sensual light. I'm filling up, and it feels so good. My eyes open, and I see him across the expanse of the field. He waves and welcomes me, and he smiles with great joy, delight spreading over his familiar features.
I run to him, as his arms open wide to invite me into him. I stop briefly, as we gaze at each other deeply. Our laughing, twinkling eyes meet and dissolve into a pool of openness. I fall into his embrace and melt. His arms enfold me, take me in.