June 26, 2006
There are many areas in which the communication between you and K does not flow completely, as easily and effortlessly as - believe me it can (and will). Having come so far and feeling things so much easier than they were - imagine how it would feel if you were to double that gain - wouldn't that be a nice place?
It's very reachable - there are still many secrets that your solar plexus tension is holding onto. I know you want it gone, and yet in a very real way you don't. In a very real way, whatever you solar plexus is holding onto, you may not be, no matter how much you want to be, completely ready to be a person who is without that secret.
Who would you be without the thought, "I'm not good enough"? There is a part of you being held together by this last bit of tension that doesn't want to let go of being the person who hears that as truth. The part of you that does not want to live with the reality of this uncertainty of knowing where K is at on this issue, who needs to understand rather than accept, who would feel rudderless without that anchoring thought of, "I'm not good enough, and K's behavior is proof of that."
Instead of analyzing this, what would it be like to be a person who could simply accept all this and move on? Who would you be? How would it feel to let go of this core issue, this old belief, this past life? Imagine how your solar plexus is grabbing onto that thought. Imagine slowly tearing its fingers away from it; imagine letting that thought go. It means cutting the cord to what you have always believed about yourself and moving into an unknown in which nothing makes sense. In which you have to proceed into uncharted territory with a newly minted and unfamiliar ship called D.
Men want what you want: to feel connected; to feel admired, loved, appreciated; to feel there is someone beside them, mentally, psychologically, emotionally; to feel free to be who they are and accepted and loved even with their faults; to be known; to be loved even when they are known; to be responsible and respected but not beholding; to be allowed to give and have what they give be received but not to be owing or demanded or pressured.
They have exactly the same needs. They're just wired a little differently in their brains and body, and they process information differently. They have a need to go outward and make their mark and give and leave an impression.
We mostly need to connect. We are about relationship; they are more about how things work. These qualities are supposed to dovetail so that the team has all of these qualities, together. Otherwise we're both at one end of the dinghy and end up taking on water. Without some sense of mystery - as how women work or how men work, we're cutting off some of the joy of the whole thing. Otherwise we should marry women!
My wish is for you to abandon these notions that you can understand anything and simply make a choice to take him as he is however that is and to heal your own self by staying with your deepest feelings and sharing them as much as you can, reveling in your own body and how good it feels when it mixes with his, and let the past and the rest go.
Believe in yourself and your relationship even when you are tense. Believe that you have cleared a piece of the past that had a hold on you. Let it go. Take another step forward on the game board, if not by actually feeling better yet, by believing that you will tomorrow, and that it's just a matter of sinking into yourself, letting go of what doesn't work or feel good, and stepping forward at the same time.
The catching, the blocking, the tension is very real, caused by traumas, physical and emotional all locked into my muscle memory, but it's also a habitual response, and it creates separation as my protection when things feel too good, as if I need to suffer for my rewards, or when I'm afraid. I have already suffered greatly.
Suffering is earthbound and no longer necessary, all the sinking feelings, the not good enough stuff, the pain, the obsessive thoughts. In an odd way, the pain makes me feel more whole, and that's okay. Embrace it. Love it, for it has kept me from sinking under. I must change my beliefs. I must walk the road to my goddess self bathed in bright light full of love and in all my glory.