September 2, 2008

first heart-to-heart

Dear D,
About the words. When you can finally do a heart-to-heart talk with him, where you can bare your heart simply and cleanly and let him know exactly what is you want in smaller, less explosive issues, you will find a way to communicate this too.

You might try verbalizing a fantasy for him during sex - or sometime when you're just snuggling. You might try trading fantasies (though his might be bit rough for you - be prepared and open). Tell him where you are - tell him what you say and what he says. It's an opening, and what you're looking for here is not instant results but an opening to communicating on a deeper, more honest level with him.

Remember - bottom line - he must make you more happy than he makes you unhappy. There is nothing you can do to make him more affectionate, to tell you how he feels, or in any other way get him to do what you want him to do.

All you can do is inspire him to such acts by being fun, relaxed, responsive, and putting absolutely no pressure of any kind on him. You've already asked him some deep questions, and he's clearly uncomfortable answering some of them. The only way you can bring any of this up is to talk about your own feelings - happy ones and sad ones - and no more asking what he thinks and feels about your relationship!

Whenever he does not respond the way you want him to, it throws you into a bad feeling state and insecurity. So don't ask. If you're really feeling out of it - do whatever you need to do to feel better, even if it's telling him you feel lousy and lonely.
Love, R

Dear R,
Big news! Okay, I had a heart-to-heart, I think. I've been haunted by those images of him looking, so I had to talk to him. I said, "I feel nervous bringing this up, but my heart hurts much of the time, and I feel confused. I don't understand things about you and us, so my mind makes things up, and it eats at me."

I asked if he had a secret life. He said there was no secret life.
"Is everything on the table?" I asked. "Yes," he said.
"It wasn't a few months ago." "What do you mean?""You know what I discovered ." "You mean the pornography? Are you still obsessing about that?"

I said next that I have been working so hard on this, but I hate wondering if he still does it or doesn't do it, that I hate thinking about it, and I get upset with myself for thinking about it. I keep coming back to that there is something lacking in me.

He continued by saying that if I'm so jealous that he can't look at another pretty woman and then let it go at that, then I have a problem, that this is all my problem basically. I replied that no it wasn't that so much as where it would go from there. He said that if I can't trust him then..., but I interjected, asking if he knew what I meant, and he thought I meant chasing after other women, but I said no. I told him that I know he wouldn't do that after what he's been through, and I know him well enough to know that isn't him. He caught on that I meant fantasy. He then said that I can't imagine the perfect relationship and expect him to fit into that.

I expressed that I want to be the prettiest, the sexiest in his life. He then spoke about looks and the danger/futility of having a relationship based on looks alone, for soon we'll be in our 60's, 70's etc. I told him that looks are important to me, but they are not the only thing, but I'm concerned that they are important to him. He responded that looks are important as an initial attraction. He also said that this relationship won't work if this is where I'm coming from or looking for or something like that. He went on to say that what I am saying indicates to him and/or if I'm unhappy with this relationship then I need to find what it is that makes me happy and go for it. "I need to be myself. You need to be yourself, and we will see if we can grow together from there."

Somewhere in here there was something about me not having the right or being able to control his fantasies and if I wanted to, then that was a serious problem. He can't even control what goes on in his little mind. I responded that I can't control him in this way nor would I want to.

He then pulled me towards him very tenderly and embraced me warmly, held me close. I asked if he loves me lots, and without hesitation and with great sincerity, he said he loves me lots and hugged and kissed me some more, smiling lovingly. I said in parting that I was afraid to love him all the way, for I'm afraid of being hurt. He replied that I need to let go, but I question if he's letting himself go all the way, heart and soul. He was very attentive and loving the reat of the evening, and we feel asleep in each others' arms.

This morning I asked him what loving me means to him or feels like to him and what me loving him means or feels like. He said he didn't have words for this, so I told him I had many and should I write them down. He said yes. Here is the list.

To cherish To feel cherished
To adore To feel adored
To support To feel supported
To respect To feel respected
To treasure To feel treasured
To admire To feel admired
To feel beautiful, sexy, sensual
Profound connection - heart/soul/sexually
Adventure/Exploration - together and individually

After reading this he said, "Yes please." He then took my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, tenderly, passionately, and then he hugged me.
Love, D

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