September 23, 2008

random thoughts

I don't understand why I continue to feel like this. Why do I keep conjuring these images? Why do I keep making up these scenarios of him lusting, masturbating? Why can I not stop myself from thinking that he wouldn't look if he felt whole in this relationship? Why do I still feel as if betrayed?

I realize that he didn't understand the power it had to hurt, but now he does, so why then does he still do it? Stubborness? Anger? Exertion of freedom and independence? Habit? He tells me that it has no more significance than playing his video game. He tells me that it's not a reflection on me whatsoever.

I don't understand. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces. I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel so scared. I feel like I want to disappear, yet I feel so present. I feel so much ache and pain. I feel a band around my heart, yet when I can get it to release it feels so good, tenuous, a little daunting, a little frightening, yet it's nice. Is this the source of my uneasiness? To allow an opening and release is huge and wonderful, but it also leaves me feeling enormously vulnerable.

I'm so tired of writing about this. I'm so tired of these thoughts that plague me constantly. It keeps me from going more deeply into myself, more deeply with him. It protects me from harm, but it disallows the love I seek within and without.

I have a deep, disturbing relationship with porn. I don't really know why it triggers me so. It's never come up before. Am I so weird, naive? I feel like I'm part of a harem, yet I know this is ridiculous.

Is he normal? Am I? I have used many techniques to attack my obsession, meditations, deep body work, coaching, tantric sexual healing, acupuncture, so many tools I've learned.

I can choose to let it all go by sinking into the awful feelings when they come up, walking myself through them and back out into light. It's so hard. I must stop myself whenever I find myself trying to figure out where he is with it. I can choose each and every moment. I am the creator of my thoughts. I need to sink into my anxiety and release him from my mind.

I acknowledge my obsession, and I must take the gremlin out, the one that whispers into my ear, telling me awful lies. The gremlin is mean, ugly, seductive, yet I must put him in a corner along with the tape that loops inside my head. I must drop down as deeply as possible. I must feel my pain, feel the feelings, and then drop my energy down. Gently pull back the icky thoughts.

Every time the obsession takes hold, feel K giving me his love. He's told you you are important to him. He doesn't want to hurt you. It's all okay. It's all wonderful, beautiful. Receive all the time. Waves of love and devotion come from him all the time, flooding my being and my heart. He's cherishing me all he time. All the time!!! He's smiling at me, touching me, loving me all the time. All the time!!!

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