August 23, 2008

no man


"No man worth his salt wants to be told to rein himself in on a personal subject like this that involves his feelings of personal freedom." (I would add that any man who does quickly loses the respect of the woman he loves. )

I'm in complete agreement with this. I cannot control him in any way, and I don't wish to. That would feel awful to him, and that would feel awful to me. It would not be conducive to the kind of relationship I desire.

I only brought this subject up twice since the discovery, and I never once asked K to stop or do anything differently for that matter. It's not my place. It would be wrong. It's negative energy for my spirit and for the relationship. He has to do whatever it is he has to do.

As long as it doesn't affect how he is with me which it hasn't, then I have to trust him. This is my goal, to trust myself and him so much, have confidence in myself so much that it doesn't matter to me if he does it or not. I don't want to care anymore.

No one is harder on me than me. My first thought as my first thoughts always are is that it's my fault, whether that might mean that I drove him to do it or that I'm naive about this subject.

What has saddened me and caused me to feel so discouraged and hopeless at times about this is that I immediately put up a wall against K as instinctive protection, and this hurts. I've been having trouble feeling him, in my heart I mean.

I'm never volatile, a little moody sometimes which manifests as quiet and introspection, but that's it. He's not accustomed to someone who is as even tempered as he. I know he likes it, but he may not fully trust it yet.

I also believe that K has been going through some huge personal, spiritual growth during this time as have I. He has not been in a relationship this long before or one that meant this much to him, one that has been this intimate and this open, sexually yes but also spiritually, especially now that I have some tools to help me communicate better and the courage to utilize them.

Though I have been in long term relationships, the rest holds true for me too. The porn discovery has forced me to go into places inside I didn't know existed but also places I would not have dared go before had I even known of their existence and had I not been placed in the situation I was. This is all very, very good.

I'm feeling things I've never felt before. As for K, I believe he's been upending some of is belief systems as well. If he still looks, it could not be very often and if it's present, it's been kept well away from me which I really, really appreciate. I am grateful that he respects my discomfort with it.

It's in part thanks to him though that I've let go and opened up enough to where I felt so comfortable, it compelled me to explore my sexuality with him, and a whole wonderful world that I had only dreamed of has opened up to me in turn, and it continues to do so the more vulnerability I allow myself.

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