August 23, 2008

it hurts so

I'm so uncomfortable. I cannot seem to shake this feeling of dread. I cannot seem to be able to work it out within myself. I've tried going into the bad feelings, for maybe resisting it is causing more pain, but this doesn't seem to work for long if at all. The hurt and the pain and all my bad thoughts keep flooding back.

I can't talk about it with K. I don't know what to say. I'm afraid. I don't know how to express how bad I feel, wondering all the time if he's looking. I've tried asking myself, "Is that true?" ala Byron Katie, to any of the voices inside that whisper to me, yell sometimes, but this too doesn't seem to work for long if at all.

Can I live with a man who looks at photos of other women on the internet? I want to say I can, but I just don't know. It hurts so much. I can't seem to stop thinking about it, thinking about why? what's missing in me? I know intellectually I'm enough, more than enough he told me, but I don't own it.

He told me the images are like a piece of peppermint candy, whereas I'm the gourmet meal, but this doesn't really make sense to me. I still don't understand. I want to, I really, really do, but I don't know how. Nothing seems to help. I feel such despair sometimes.

I know this situation with K has created an opportunity for me to deal with emotions that have long been buried and issues I thought had been cleared up, but I ask myself, what next? How can I do this? Can I even do this? Are my fears and insecurities so deeply ingrained I will never be able to resolve them? Will I ever feel love? What is love? Will I ever be the vessel of love I dream about? Will I ever find peace with this and within myself?

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