deep angst

8/29/2005-12/31/2005
I'm having a difficult time accepting that this is not a reflection on me, that I'm more than enough, as he said. I've been working slowly, steadily at a pace apparently I could handle on my still unresolved feelings of inadequacy. I know I have a tendency to cling. It seemed to be fading away until this.

I feel like I've been plunged way back into my fears, my old "security blanket" though it's hardly secure and certainly not comfortable. All I can do is to continue to work on myself. There must be some very good reasons for all of this, some I know full well, others I have yet to uncover. It has been so painful, and it continues to hurt.

I can't seem to rid myself of the images of him looking, wanting, lusting, feeling so inadequate and not enough. He would rather jerk off to images of those little chippies. Is he doing that? I don't know.

Are men aroused by any female body? If so then what's so special about me? Why me at all? Is he tired, bored of seeing the same body, me, everyday? Why would he want to be aroused by another woman's body if he loves only me? I give him everything he wants and then some, so why? I'm always ready and available and more than willing, so why?

He says I'm cute, adorable, special even. He says I have a beautiful body and perfect breasts. He says I'm his one and only, that he's mine completely. Is this his way of saying he loves me? He says he thinks it's sexy when a woman ages gracefully. It's a turnoff when they try to look like a twenty year old. He says he wouldn't want a twenty year old, yet it's twenty year olds he likes to look at on the internet. I'm confused.

Why does he say so little? It's incredibly painful to find beautiful prose written by him to another albeit a long time ago. I've received almost nothing. He's had his heart broken. Maybe he's afraid of voicing things, for then it might go away and/or hurt him.

It could mean I'm not special enough to warrant pretty words, but maybe he's not ready. Maybe he's scared too. Is any of this true? I really don't know. I don't know if he's still looking. I really don't know anything. He asked me for my pictures before he left. He made a point of having them with him. What does it all mean?

What is it you want from me? From a relationship? What's happening with us? What's happening with you? I wish I could know what he's thinking, feeling. How does he feel about me? Us? Our life? His life? He feels sad to me. Maybe it's my sadness being projected. He feels unsure, questioning, disconnected. Maybe it's all my feelings.

My life has been turned upside down and inside out. I'm in turmoil. I so desperately want to open myself up to love for the first time ever, real love, no holding back, no walls, fully open, fully love, fully loving, fully in love. I so want to reconnect with him on an even deeper level. I want to feel love. I want to love myself that I may love him. Yet I feel love aching to be released. I miss the deep connection that likely never was. I feel moments of it, but my fear interferes. Or is it his fear? My fear? Both of our fears?

I'm trying so hard to keep the curtains that surround my heart from closing altogether, but I'm hurting. I'm not numb; at least I feel, but I have fear. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep feeling as if I'm falling into a bottomless abyss?

I don't want to be numb, but all I seem to get instead is a big ball of ache. Why do I keep have recurring bad thoughts? Why do I keep putting this icky face on him? I want the negative pictures to leave me alone. When images of him looking pop into my head, I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel insecure. I feel not good enough. I feel so sad. Is any of this true? My demons are lying, making things up. I feel sad because I lose connection with myself, and I lose connection with him.

Why do I feel so fucked up? But I'm perfect just as I am. You told me so. I'm in a great deal of pain. My heart aches. It feels like it's going to break. I'm scared. I miss you. I miss feeling close to you. I'm so confused. I feel lost. Why did this have to happen? I wish I could forget. I wish this would all go away. I wish I could feel at peace. I wish I could feel love. What is it going to take to get me through this? I wish it would all go away.