remembering to choose

As I awoke this morning wrapped in my beloved's arms, the familiar, almost ever present feeling of sadness tinged with negativity and anxiety wafted gently through me. Though these feelings have abated greatly, they linger still. They plague me however slight the feeling may be, and this makes me feel...well, sad. "Am I destined to be unhappy always, the artist in angst? Is this what drives me? Does this get in my way?" flashed through my little brain. In the same burst of illumination I understood that it most definitely interferes.

It became a part of me early, likely as a survival mechanism, a protection. It has kept me "safe", free of the fear of hurt, but it has also kept the good stuff at bay. Ironically it creates much the same hurt it's meant to shelter me from. Whether it be from lack of unconditional love or life beating me down over and over so that I numbed out, gave in, or whether it be a habit socially imposed or self-created, does it really matter?

Sadness may always be inside, and this is okay. This I can live with, thrive on, but need it be the greater part of me? Need it smother me? Can I use it instead to enhance the love I have in my heart, the love I was born with, the love we are all born as?

As I lay there taking in his wonderful, comforting smell, the one that turns me on, yet in this moment it was soothing me, calming me, as I nestled there knowing how fortunate I am, for it's not that I'm unaware, unappreciative, ungrateful, I wondered if I could simply choose, choose to feel good all over, inside and out.

This man clearly loves and adores me, is so turned on by me, passionate about me, yet I'm not letting him in, not really. I'm not fully submerging in this moment which is such a special, beautiful one. I'm not allowing myself to be nourished. I'm not allowing my heart and soul to expose themselves completely. I'm allowing my fears, my habits to supersede. How awful is that? How silly is that?

He's right here, delighted to love me. The healing waters are right here bathing me, through his heart, through my heart. What if I simply choose to feel his love, my love in this moment? What if I choose to feel happy right now?

Instantly my body relaxed. The tensions, the holdings I feel so much of the time grabbing at my heart melted, just like that. My energy shifted. I suddenly felt him, every little bit of him, his soft skin radiating warmth, his heart glowing with love and peace. My heart swelled at the same time. In that moment I was utterly and completely open, receiving.

Each time I tighten inside and close the curtains around my heart, each time I guard myself, each time a bad thought creeps in, each time a gremlin voice screams at me or just whispers, I can remember this experience. I have the power to change my habitual patterns. I have the power to choose.

trust, love, and grace

TRUST equals LOVE. LOVE equals TRUST.
To grow in one, you must nurture the other and vice versa. They are not mutually exclusive. They live and breathe side by side, hand in hand. And the connection between the two is GRACE.

There is a calmness to this and a seeming simplicity, but usually there is stuff which interferes, our fears which can manifest in any number of ways. It's all fear. Releasing fear is a process, yet it can be a beautiful and enlightening journey, the path of which is found through whatever means works for you, be it meditation, journaling, reading books and articles that speak to you, sharing with friends or loved ones, finding your passions, all of these, or something else altogether.

Desire to embark on this journey is where it all begins, and this takes courage, strength, and resilience, but it's all so worth it. As you let your fears go, bit by bit is best, for this gives your body, mind, and psyche time to integrate, aspects of trust just seem to creep in as do the most wonderful feelings, indescribable ones. The more you release, the more of this you will feel, and the more your desire will deepen.

Some of the first steps will be leaning to trust yourself first, your intuition, your heart and all that arises from this. The more you actively work to let your fears go, the more you can banish or at least quiet down the demon voices that can sometimes scream at you. The more you can dig deeply inside, the more layers you can shed, the more you will find your true heart, your love that has always lain at your core, the more peace you will find, the more you will trust, and the more you will expand in all ways as the gorgeous goddess woman that you are.

Will you sometimes be hurt? Of course, unless you are able to attain nirvana which most of us as humans won't. You will still be affected by others words, behaviors, habits at times. But keep close the knowledge that they are out of your realm. You can only have control over yourself and your own actions which most importantly include your reactions, your feelings, your hurt.

You can choose to fall into old patterns of allowing others to dictate how you feel. You can try forcing yourself to ignore them by telling yourself they mean no direct harm which is probably true, but you run the danger of stuffing your feelings which can emerge, or they can lie there and fester. Either way it's destructive, and doing this will bring you further away from what you are working to let in, peace, trust, and love.

Or you can choose to sink into the pain, love through the hurt. Feel your feelings, the good feeling ones as well as the bad feeling ones. ALLOW your feelings in all their forms whether you deem them justified or not. Sink deeply into them, and then watch them shift, change, TRANSFORM.

It's perfectly okay to express how you feel. I strongly suggest that you do, without accusation or confrontation. This is done by using feeling statements. For example, "I'm feeling bad, awful, hurt or whatever it is you are feeling." You will likely be asked why. Express that what the person said or did felt bad, and then ask for their help with this or ask what they think. No raised or accusatory voices are necessary.

Compose a little speech and memorize it if this helps you from getting flustered. Keep it short and simple, and keep it all about you and how you feel. If you are nervous or anxious about speaking out, say so. Start out by stating that you feel uncomfortable or frightened bringing whatever it is up.

People can and will hear you if approached in this way. Go with whatever evolves from here be it further discussion, a negotiation, an apology, or nothing at all. If there is no response or if there is any defensiveness, that's okay though this scenario is unlikely. You can turn and walk away. Breath if there is any residue within you. Go do something that feels good to you.

You will learn to trust that any actions or words that hurt you are not intentional. Everyone is on their unique path. They must find their way in their own way. Knowing this makes it easier to let the hurt go.

As you work on yourself, releasing, letting go, and peace begins to pervade you, love begins to flow forth and fill your being, a humbleness, a humility will arise naturally, and what I mean by that is an elegance of spirit, a free flowingness in the face of whatever is. It's an openness, a vulnerability, a trust in self and love. GRACE. It's an inextricable part of this.

And all of this extends to trust in the ones you love and care about, trust that they know what they are doing even if you don't like whatever it is, that's it not a reflection on you or has anything to do with you. Trusting with grace, trusting with love, loving with trust, loving with grace is an acceptance and an embracing. It's freeing.

breaking the barrier

I received a letter from a reader which prompted this entry. Her letter is below. My response follows.

"That is truly a brilliant idea. I don't know who spread the silly notion that men are visual and women less so, but it couldn't be less true. The toughest part for me is getting over the shyness factor. In my experience most women, even ones with perfect bodies, have body image stuff going on. Any tips for less forthcoming gals."

First of all men may or may not be more visual than women, but in my experience, they become more easily aroused visually than women do, but, and this is a big but, they are very clear on the difference between being aroused by nearly any naked even if only somewhat decent looking woman and the attraction and passion they feel for their woman, their beloved. The former may start their juices flowing, if only a drop, or it may evoke the desire to masturbate, or not, but the latter makes them want to have YOU, whether it be a quick fantasy, a tender loving embrace, or wild sex.

That said, believe me when I say I was so shy the first time and every time I had pictures taken, but each time it did get easier. If it's too much to handle having someone else there the first time, take digital pictures of yourself.This takes the other person out of the picture.

Believe me too when I say that the first time I gave my guy pictures, I was also feeling shy and self-conscious, but when I saw how much he liked them and the whole concept really, I felt so much better.

Take them in a dimly lit room though I warn you that the flash will make your face look strange, old and wrinkly even, but not so the body. I have no idea why. Face shots are better taken in natural daylight.

Try to remember that men are not anywhere near as critical as we. They don't see any of the things we do. As an example when I took my pussy pics, I had just made coffee. After I grind the beans, I take my index finger and get out the residue from inside the grinder, some of which gets all up under my nail. In most of my pictures, my coffee grimed fingernail was clearly visible. He never noticed. I wasn't freshly waxed, so I had stray hairs too. he never saw. Remember this.

It would be really nice if you could find someone you trust who knows something about picture taking so as to put you in the nicest possible light, the prettiest poses possible. There are many professional women out there. I would most definitely recommend a woman for many reasons. Ask around.

You will still feel awkward and uncomfortable. You will. It's something new. You're exposing yourself; you're being vulnerable. These feelings are normal.

A good photographer will encourage you and take at least the worst of the weird feelings away and once you see for yourself how beautiful you are in your pictures, you will feel sooooooo much better. And again remember, he will never notice any of the things that you perceive as flaws. He will only see the one he loves, YOU. He will only see how sexy you are, and you are his. How lucky he is for that.

more fun sex stuff

Here's something totally empowering, liberating, and very amusing to do for yourself and your man. Have nudie pictures taken of yourself.

What prompted me to do this the first time was that my guy was going to be going be taking a job out of state, so we would only see each other maybe every other wee. I thought he might like having me nearby while he was far away.

This was so out of character for me at the time, for we were not only new together as a couple, I was also shy about those things and quite uncomfortable in my own skin, insecure. I had never done anything like this before.

Fortunately one of my best friends is a photographer, and since she had to do some porn work in the past, this was not a big deal for her other than we are friends.

Now boudoir pictures are lovely, and if that's all you can handle, go for it. That's beautiful, but I'm suggesting something more. I'm not saying not to get some beautiful undies for your shoot; please do. I did, but they should come off as the shoot progresses.

My first pictures were certainly of the boudoir sort. I wore a corset, a bra and panty set underneath, hose and garters. These were shed piece by piece until I was fully naked. It was very soft, very sweet, erotic, not especially racy aside from the fact I was nude in many of them.

He never did go away for this job, but needless to say the photo essay went over well, so well that I decided three years later to do some more, edgier ones this time. These ones were boudoir like as well, but this time there was much self-fondling going on, all over.

I made an album of the best shots like the first time, and I had also had all the good pictures put on a CD to load on the computer. He loved these too and has used them well when he has had to be away for work. The following year I did another shoot of the more explicit sort.

I like to leave a few pictures up for him on the computer if I know he's going to be home at lunchtime or back before me in the evening. You can do the same, and/or you can leave prints if you have them on his chair, by his pillow, in his suitcase if he's going out of town, or anywhere you know he will find them.

More recently we've been having a special "playnight", so I've been making a little slide show for him with select photos. But honestly I've become bored with my pictures, I've wanted to do another shoot, but my friend has been unavailable, so I came up with this.

Why not take pictures of myself with the digital camera? Why not some really graphic ones, even more so than what I had already since my friend won't so close ups, and I wouldn't want her to anyway.

So I grabbed the digital camera and shot away. It's not easy getting your parts in frame nicely if they get in at all. There were many rejects, but I did get the hang of it, and so will you.

Be creative. I did some shots of my eyes and some face shots; full body shots are impossible. I did some boobie shots, one alone, both together, at rest, squished together, and close up nipple ones. I also did some pussy shots, really, really up close.

Imagine all the porn pictures you have seen and try to duplicate them. If you haven't seen any, find them. They're all over the internet and free. I did some of her by herself with fingers touching, simulating masturbation, outside, inside.

When I finally had enough good pictures, I loaded them onto the computer and made a slide show movie. I believe most computers do this automatically. I edited them so as to tell a little story, and there you have it.

It's such an incredible high, and the appreciation received will supersede any uncomfortable feelings you may have, for it may feel scary in the beginning, embarrassing, weird. For me it was quite frightening at first. I felt ill at ease, vulnerable, and sharing it with him felt strange, but each time it became easier, and now I love doing it. I love seeing myself up there on the computer screen, imagining my man looking, lusting.

So any discomfort you may feel will pass, especially when you see how much it turns him on. Or you may just take to it right away. Either way have fun with it. You may very well discover that it turns you on as well.

fun sex tip

As scary or maybe even icky as this might sound, ask to share his porn with him. Watch him. Watch what he does. As he becomes aroused, if you start to feel strange, fearful, anything that feels uncomfortable, do whatever you can to calm yourself.

Breathe. Do a quick meditation. Whatever it takes to keep you in the moment. You might be surprised at how aroused you may become. You may find it fun.

Now try this. While you are watching him look at whatever it is he looks at, start to masturbate with him. Occasionally reach over and wipe up some of the clear fluid that comes out of his penis to use as your own lubricant.

He will be very turned on by all of this. Come for him. Climb on top of him. The porn will be forgotten by this time.

looking at porn together can be good for you

Everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond to porn in the same way. Not all porn is used as a substitute or a fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.

I have learned that for my guy and surely other men as well with their partners, porn only stokes the fires of his passions for me, or sometimes it's an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time.

Who doesn't enjoy being aroused after all? He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation, rarely that is. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire.

Men like my man have a wonderful way of being attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved.

Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection between eyeballs and penis. There is no stopping along the way. When he see me on the other hand there is, the brain, the heart. A difference of which he's well aware.

This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can imagine, feel sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even, as if we are there, and we can create fantastic scenarios. For most men this is not true.

For me now that have mostly healed from my deeper stuff and mostly reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, and it can be arousing and fun, yet what could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two-dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.

Sex has never been boring with us; it keeps getting better and better in fact. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit.

I have also found that men take our lead in this. They find something through our hearts for which there is not one word. It's aspects of the following; love, a balance, an ease, peace, harmony, joy, and more. It's not that they can't find these things without us; they can, yet in a loving union, it's such a wonderful and maybe richer way to do so.

But it works both ways. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us, and the deeper we can go. What a lovely symbiosis.

Maybe we're both lucky in what we have with each other, for he is my brand of white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.

am I not enough?

I'm not pretty enough. I'm not sexy enough. I'm not (fill in the blank) enough. I'm not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as children did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I'm here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That's not to say there isn't room to expand your horizons; there's always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It's not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It's mostly about reprogramming destructive thought patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. Its also about changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It's also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself, Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests. The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest, for truthfully others do not see you in bits and pieces anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms. For example, I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy. I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I've learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishy bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good to you being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you're not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it's good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background.

Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. This is okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain. So allow all feelings to flow through you. They will morph. Observe them, feel them completely, and let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.

I've been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of, "I'm just not enough in any way," but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed. I know now that I'm more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there, and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.