February 20, 2009

remembering to choose

As I awoke this morning wrapped in my beloved's arms, the familiar, almost ever present feeling of sadness tinged with negativity and anxiety wafted gently through me. Though these feelings have abated greatly, they linger still. They plague me however slight the feeling may be, and this makes me feel...well, sad. "Am I destined to be unhappy always, the artist in angst? Is this what drives me? Does this get in my way?" flashed through my little brain. In the same burst of illumination I understood that it most definitely interferes.

It became a part of me early, likely as a survival mechanism, a protection. It has kept me "safe", free of the fear of hurt, but it has also kept the good stuff at bay. Ironically it creates much the same hurt it's meant to shelter me from. Whether it be from lack of unconditional love or life beating me down over and over so that I numbed out, gave in, or whether it be a habit socially imposed or self-created, does it really matter?

Sadness may always be inside, and this is okay. This I can live with, thrive on, but need it be the greater part of me? Need it smother me? Can I use it instead to enhance the love I have in my heart, the love I was born with, the love we are all born as?

As I lay there taking in his wonderful, comforting smell, the one that turns me on, yet in this moment it was soothing me, calming me, as I nestled there knowing how fortunate I am, for it's not that I'm unaware, unappreciative, ungrateful, I wondered if I could simply choose, choose to feel good all over, inside and out.

This man clearly loves and adores me, is so turned on by me, passionate about me, yet I'm not letting him in, not really. I'm not fully submerging in this moment which is such a special, beautiful one. I'm not allowing myself to be nourished. I'm not allowing my heart and soul to expose themselves completely. I'm allowing my fears, my habits to supersede. How awful is that? How silly is that?

He's right here, delighted to love me. The healing waters are right here bathing me, through his heart, through my heart. What if I simply choose to feel his love, my love in this moment? What if I choose to feel happy right now?

Instantly my body relaxed. The tensions, the holdings I feel so much of the time grabbing at my heart melted, just like that. My energy shifted. I suddenly felt him, every little bit of him, his soft skin radiating warmth, his heart glowing with love and peace. My heart swelled at the same time. In that moment I was utterly and completely open, receiving.

Each time I tighten inside and close the curtains around my heart, each time I guard myself, each time a bad thought creeps in, each time a gremlin voice screams at me or just whispers, I can remember this experience. I have the power to change my habitual patterns. I have the power to choose.


searchingwithin said...

I loved your post. It could easily have been something that I wrote, as I have done this. I had the love of a wonderful man, but I couldn't let him love me the way he needed and tried so desperately to do. I could give, but it hard to receive, and I lost him because of it.

Best Wishes

tinque said...

thank you so much. this has been and continues to be a difficult thing to keep close. I believe that if this is not instilled in a small child, it takes effort, being as aware as possible, reminding oneself over and over again, moment by moment. each time I falter, I do my best to pick myself up and keep on without criticism if at all possible.
hugs, tinque

Ruth Purple said...

I was really captivated by your article. I always believed that life is too short to be lived in fears. Once you have love, make the most out of it, choose to embrace it and be happy with it. Thank you for your article, it inspired me.

tinque said...

It's so nice hearing from you, Ruth, especially since I've been reading your articles for awhile. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
Yes fears do get in our way every time, and so many of us live from a fear place. It's not easy releasing them, and recognizing them is crucial but once you do, life is so much bigger, better. You can feel things like love, maybe for the first time. It's an ongoing process, sometimes a struggle, yet it's rewarding.
hugs, tinque

Ruth Purple said...

Yes, I can truly relate with you. I guess that what makes life interesting and rewarding are the fears and weakness we have. It makes us appreciate the people, things and most especially ourselves more. I guess this is what makes us insightful and deep beings. Truly being flawed and vulnerable can be a blessing.

tinque said...

I believe being vulnerable is what we want to be, for how beautiful is that, seeing, feeling someone who is so open they radiate their deep heart, and truly what we are at deep heart is love.
As for the flaws, they make us even more beautiful and more vulnerable.
How boring would perfect be whatever that is anyway.
Thank you for being here and sharing.

lovesingin said...

This one really touched me. It was like I was there with you...feeling you go through those emotions and then celebrating when you felt it release..truly release. You are such an inspiration to me girl. It really makes you realize it is all about choosing...right then. It is such a simple thing and yet we forget so easily. This was so beautiful too. The words just melted into me.

tinque said...

Thank you for your lovely words. It means a great deal. What I have noticed for me and likely this is as prevalent with others too, is that I have the propensity to become caught up in my "stories" the little or big lies my demon voices tell me, and this can easily becomes a part of my reality. It's really a lie, but it can feel so real to me. I have in the past created a bad creature out of the one we love. I call this putting an evil face on him (my man). This is simply a protective mechanism, a "safeguard" against future hurt, but all this will do is push the person away eventually creating the hurt you were trying to avoid. Choosing moment by moment is a wonderful way to not only savor what we have as we have it, it also helps to keep those nasty voices at bay.
hugs, tinque