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Life is strange, surreal even. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all an illusion, a dream because it feels so tenuous, and sometimes I feel so removed from it, as if I'm an outsider looking in at all the wonders, all the pain, all of it. Sometimes it feels as if it shouldn’t be at all.
Life is love. We live for it. It’s so much a part of us, stronger even than the power of the fear of death. We rarely give up in our search for it. This feels very real.
Life is full of fear, and it feels just as real, maybe more so than the feelings of love. I feel fear hovering around me much of the time. How encompassing it might be varies from day to day, moment to moment.
Fear can rule you. Fear can drive you, usually into the ground. Fear, any fear always comes back to the fear of death. So we seek love, and maybe if we find it, we will be saved from the death we so fear or at least be released from this fear. Yet the thought of allowing love in and then to have it yanked away at any time is an awful, awful thought and feeling too, scary, almost as scary as the fear of death because if it's happened to you, you know that's how it feels, like the end of everything.
You can live fearful of the inevitable, endings, any endings, the end, but this is paralyzing, leaving you fearful of most possibilities. When it comes to love, as much as we crave it, fear can cause us to push love away. You can find yourself avoiding the very thing you want so desperately, the very thing that is life. LOVE.
Fear may be love's opposite, yet it's not its enemy.You can learn to allow it to help you by allowing it to drive you in the direction you really want to go, into your heart, towards your passions. Instead of fighting the fear, give in to it, feel it fully. It won't consume you. The resistance is what fuels it. If you allow it, it will shift, change into something else.
An extension of this is to live in each and every moment fully. Live each moment as if it's the first one you ever had, one filled with awe and wonder and yes love. You will never get back any of your moments, so relish them, revel in them, love them no matter what they bring.
You have to allow it all, the good, the bad, the yummy, the icky, for it's all good. It all makes you stronger and closer to the peace you seek as well as the love you so wish for within yourself and for yourself. Yes it hurts to hurt, but how else would you know bliss if you haven't felt the deepest of abysses?
If you want something with all you have, anything and everything is possible, for desire allows belief which leads to even greater desire which leads you to the life you have dreamed of. And it will be. Remember that love is what we are born as, what we are. Life is love. Love is life.
Words inherently have no meaning other than the ones an individual might attach to them. This is a broad statement and not entirely true in that a tree will always be a tree no matter how someone might try to convince me otherwise.
But what about those words that shift and change, morph even depending on an individual's experience, upbringing, the society in which they live?
Words can and do hurt. They can and do feel bad, but it's contingent on what those words mean to you as an individual and the emotions they evoke. They can have different meanings, varied connotations depending on the person and also depending on the situation.
There are really no words that are "bad". I thought of the worst word for me, one that I hate to hear, write. The one word that makes me cringe. That word is cunt. Yet this words dates back to the Middle Ages if not before. Cunny shortened to cunte was no more offensive than vajayjay would be today. Chaucer's works are filled with this word.
A blonde could conjure up images of a bimbo, a woman with little upstairs, yet to others she might represent beauty.
I know of a woman who enjoys being called bitch in bed. I wouldn't like that at all. It would feel bad under any circumstances for me, but that's me. She's okay with it, so I'm okay that she's okay.
Men too have words attached to them that can have negative connotations. Player, playboy, gigolo all speak to me of men I would not want to know, but I'm sure there are many women who would disagree with me and many men who would feel quite alright being called any one of these, proud even.
Even the "n" word depending on who says it, where and how it is said is not always a "bad" word. I would find it offensive if spoken in my presence as would a great many others, yet it's spoken freely within the black community in a non-charged fashion. Anywhere else though, no way.
My man calls me his hussy slut ho which for me speaks of my sexual blossoming and the freedom I discovered in that which I explored with him. He speaks it with love, respect, admiration, and adoration. This makes me feel as the most sensuous goddess, for that is how it is meant. It's something fun and playful between us.
Yet to some these words connote degradation; they represent a fallback to a time when women were nothing but possessions, objects to be used at will. These could be thought of as some of the lowest things one can call a woman. This could be true for me too if someone said this to me with evil intent, if the implication was that I was promiscuous which means to me that I would have numbed myself so much, that I would be such pain from my numbness that I would feel compelled to sleep with anything that has a dangly between his legs or something like that. In this context it would feel awful. To someone else it might mean something else altogether.
No word is pure in its meaning. Any word can mean many things to many different people. No word is inherently bad. It's all about the individual and/or the context. So I will continue to love, embrace my hussy slut ho-ness within my relationship, the one with whom I share my bed, my life, my heart, my beloved.
The closer you come to allowing yourself to touch your core, your deepest heart, the love you were born as, the love you are, the more in harmony you will be with others, and the more as love they will feel to you, for you are opening yourself, your heart, allowing yourself to touch, to feel their core, their love, they as love.
What others think of you has very little to do with who you are. It has mostly to do with habits of thought they have developed. You create you own as well, and you can change them.
If you want to have thoughts and thus feelings about others that feel good, then create a fantasy that makes you feel warm and peaceful, full. This is especially effective with those to whom you are close, your beloved, a dear friend, because it means more to you. Soon, sooner than you might believe possible, he or she will begin to modify to meet your fantasy.
It's not as woo woo or maybe as arrogant as it may sound. It's simple really. It's all about the energy you project, and what you project comes back to you.
Keep in mind that the fantasy likely more closely aligns with who this person really is which is love, resembling the truth far more than your old habits of thought. The more you live and love as this truth, the more it will be your reality.
I received a letter from a man who lives in a religious and seemingly sexually repressed society. He lives his life by the Bible, yet his interpretation seems to differ vastly from what he's been taught.
He wishes to celebrate the human body in all its beauty including the joy of sexual orgasm without shame or embarrassment as his reading of the Bible seems to tell him. Yet his upbringing and the teachings in his community contradict this. Women cover themselves, hide their beauty as well as suppress and deny their sexuality, all things this man would feel are God given.
How sad is this. Sex is divine. Sex is to be with the divine. It's a divinely beautiful and precious gift that if we allow ourselves to let go and open enough to fully enjoy, nothing will ever come close to the purity of feeling and state you will experience when you allow yourself to completely relax into orgasm. It's not named "little death" by the French for nothing.
You touch the divine in those blissful moments. Nothing else exits but you in a pure love, pure being state, especially if you are able to share your orgasm with a beloved. Nothing else makes me feel more connected to life, to love, to the collective unconscious, to the universe. Nothing else makes me feel more gorgeous and goddess like. Nothing else feels soooooooo good.
Sex is a very special, intimate, and precious gift when engaged in with someone you love. It's an expression, a declaration, a sharing, a beautiful flow between two people. It's a discovery of self in the moment through two hearts beating as one, two bodies melting one into the other.
After reading a blog entry posted by Rori Raye on havetherelationshipyouwant.com about listening at level three, inspiration struck. This would be something lovely if not profoundly spiritual to try while making love, something that might deepen and further expand something that has seemingly limitless potential for exploration, of bodily sensations, inside and out, of the heart, of the soul.
I've already been going in that direction anyway. The more I have been releasing, letting go, opening myself to myself as well as to my beloved, the more I have been able to feel physically and emotionally, some of it very painful, except when making love, and some of it exquisite as when making love. Every touch, every vibration, every sensation continues to become more so, more nuanced, more intense, just more. Imagine the possibilities of making love while listening at level three.
There are three ways sex can begin for me, with fieriness, electricity coursing through me or gently as a slow build up, or sometimes it can be a blending of the two, but always in the beginning I'm very much into myself, the sensations welling within my body. I am acutely aware of his touch wherever it might be, on my face, his lips against mine, hand caressing hair, body, breasts, waist, back, hips, thighs.
Every inch of flesh tingles, some places more than others, all of it delicious. My heart opens and swells as do my female parts. Sometimes I become highly aroused quickly; other times it's a quieter rise; sometimes I just feel relaxed. I would call this listening at level one.
I then open my eyes to take him in, include him. I see his sparkling eyes, his sensuous smile, his lust, his desire, his love, his energy butting up against mine.
I allow him to see me, all of me, my feminine figure, my arousal, my excited anticipation, my joy, my heart as much as it will reveal itself in this moment. This would be listening at level two.
I close my eyes again and expand my senses beyond us. I feel textures, the sheets brushing against our forms, pillows cradling heads and limbs, the air surrounding us, enveloping us, breathing life into us. I feel the flickering candlelight warming us, making silky, shadowy shapes against our hearts.
I expand farther still to the world outside, all that Mother Nature has to offer, gentle breezes, soft aromas, the pulse of the universe. Yet I'm still very much in my body feeling all that I can feel, every trembling, every oscillation, every beat. And I'm still very much in connection with him, feeling all that he feels, feeling all that he emits and gives me through his skin, his member, his spirit, his heart.
As much as I'm able, I'm allowing all that is to enter me, fill me up, enhance what my being creates, as she surrenders to herself, to her man, to life, to love, moving in a sweet, symbiotic dance. This is making love while listening at level three.
As I awoke this morning wrapped in my beloved's arms, the familiar, almost ever present feeling of sadness tinged with negativity and anxiety wafted gently through me. Though these feelings have abated greatly, they linger still. They plague me however slight the feeling may be, and this makes me feel...well, sad. "Am I destined to be unhappy always, the artist in angst? Is this what drives me? Does this get in my way?" flashed through my little brain. In the same burst of illumination I understood that it most definitely interferes.
It became a part of me early, likely as a survival mechanism, a protection. It has kept me "safe", free of the fear of hurt, but it has also kept the good stuff at bay. Ironically it creates much the same hurt it's meant to shelter me from. Whether it be from lack of unconditional love or life beating me down over and over so that I numbed out, gave in, or whether it be a habit socially imposed or self-created, does it really matter?
Sadness may always be inside, and this is okay. This I can live with, thrive on, but need it be the greater part of me? Need it smother me? Can I use it instead to enhance the love I have in my heart, the love I was born with, the love we are all born as?
As I lay there taking in his wonderful, comforting smell, the one that turns me on, yet in this moment it was soothing me, calming me, as I nestled there knowing how fortunate I am, for it's not that I'm unaware, unappreciative, ungrateful, I wondered if I could simply choose, choose to feel good all over, inside and out.
This man clearly loves and adores me, is so turned on by me, passionate about me, yet I'm not letting him in, not really. I'm not fully submerging in this moment which is such a special, beautiful one. I'm not allowing myself to be nourished. I'm not allowing my heart and soul to expose themselves completely. I'm allowing my fears, my habits to supersede. How awful is that? How silly is that?
He's right here, delighted to love me. The healing waters are right here bathing me, through his heart, through my heart. What if I simply choose to feel his love, my love in this moment? What if I choose to feel happy right now?
Instantly my body relaxed. The tensions, the holdings I feel so much of the time grabbing at my heart melted, just like that. My energy shifted. I suddenly felt him, every little bit of him, his soft skin radiating warmth, his heart glowing with love and peace. My heart swelled at the same time. In that moment I was utterly and completely open, receiving.
Each time I tighten inside and close the curtains around my heart, each time I guard myself, each time a bad thought creeps in, each time a gremlin voice screams at me or just whispers, I can remember this experience. I have the power to change my habitual patterns. I have the power to choose.
TRUST equals LOVE. LOVE equals TRUST.
To grow in one, you must nurture the other and vice versa. They are not mutually exclusive. They live and breathe side by side, hand in hand. And the connection between the two is GRACE.
There is a calmness to this and a seeming simplicity, but usually there is stuff which interferes, our fears which can manifest in any number of ways. It's all fear. Releasing fear is a process, yet it can be a beautiful and enlightening journey, the path of which is found through whatever means works for you, be it meditation, journaling, reading books and articles that speak to you, sharing with friends or loved ones, finding your passions, all of these, or something else altogether.
Desire to embark on this journey is where it all begins, and this takes courage, strength, and resilience, but it's all so worth it. As you let your fears go, bit by bit is best, for this gives your body, mind, and psyche time to integrate, aspects of trust just seem to creep in as do the most wonderful feelings, indescribable ones. The more you release, the more of this you will feel, and the more your desire will deepen.
Some of the first steps will be leaning to trust yourself first, your intuition, your heart and all that arises from this. The more you actively work to let your fears go, the more you can banish or at least quiet down the demon voices that can sometimes scream at you. The more you can dig deeply inside, the more layers you can shed, the more you will find your true heart, your love that has always lain at your core, the more peace you will find, the more you will trust, and the more you will expand in all ways as the gorgeous goddess woman that you are.
Will you sometimes be hurt? Of course, unless you are able to attain nirvana which most of us as humans won't. You will still be affected by others words, behaviors, habits at times. But keep close the knowledge that they are out of your realm. You can only have control over yourself and your own actions which most importantly include your reactions, your feelings, your hurt.
You can choose to fall into old patterns of allowing others to dictate how you feel. You can try forcing yourself to ignore them by telling yourself they mean no direct harm which is probably true, but you run the danger of stuffing your feelings which can emerge, or they can lie there and fester. Either way it's destructive, and doing this will bring you further away from what you are working to let in, peace, trust, and love.
Or you can choose to sink into the pain, love through the hurt. Feel your feelings, the good feeling ones as well as the bad feeling ones. ALLOW your feelings in all their forms whether you deem them justified or not. Sink deeply into them, and then watch them shift, change, TRANSFORM.
It's perfectly okay to express how you feel. I strongly suggest that you do, without accusation or confrontation. This is done by using feeling statements. For example, "I'm feeling bad, awful, hurt or whatever it is you are feeling." You will likely be asked why. Express that what the person said or did felt bad, and then ask for their help with this or ask what they think. No raised or accusatory voices are necessary.
Compose a little speech and memorize it if this helps you from getting flustered. Keep it short and simple, and keep it all about you and how you feel. If you are nervous or anxious about speaking out, say so. Start out by stating that you feel uncomfortable or frightened bringing whatever it is up.
People can and will hear you if approached in this way. Go with whatever evolves from here be it further discussion, a negotiation, an apology, or nothing at all. If there is no response or if there is any defensiveness, that's okay though this scenario is unlikely. You can turn and walk away. Breath if there is any residue within you. Go do something that feels good to you.
You will learn to trust that any actions or words that hurt you are not intentional. Everyone is on their unique path. They must find their way in their own way. Knowing this makes it easier to let the hurt go.
As you work on yourself, releasing, letting go, and peace begins to pervade you, love begins to flow forth and fill your being, a humbleness, a humility will arise naturally, and what I mean by that is an elegance of spirit, a free flowingness in the face of whatever is. It's an openness, a vulnerability, a trust in self and love. GRACE. It's an inextricable part of this.
And all of this extends to trust in the ones you love and care about, trust that they know what they are doing even if you don't like whatever it is, that's it not a reflection on you or has anything to do with you. Trusting with grace, trusting with love, loving with trust, loving with grace is an acceptance and an embracing. It's freeing.
