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I surrender my body and my heart to be breathed open by the love that yearns in my heart. I must relax my body, especially the most sensitive parts, the places that hold fear. I breathe love energy in and out of every part, so my tension can ease open and love can flow more freely through me.
As my body softens, my heart can open and feel the openness of this moment which is love. As I lovingly melt my body and my heart open, I can practice breathing outward from my heart to feel him, his shape, his suffering, his joy. The more I can open in trust and offer my light through the yearning of my love, the more he will want to enter me and merge with my glorious, devotional surrender.
His presence may waver as may my offering of love's energy. I can practice offering my body and my heart, opening them to flow with pleasure, offering love's yearning. I can look deep into his eyes and feel the deep part of his heart I do trust and love.
I can practice, moment by moment, the art of breathing love and trusting open as if surrendering to sexual ravishment, breathing love's fullness as if on the verge of an intense and loving orgasm. I can offer the depth of my love right now, moving like a woman whose womb is full with pleasure, gliding with love.
Even when I'm fearful, even when the pain and yearning feel overwhelming, even when my heart feels wounded, I can still practice opening my body and my heart as an offering.
When my eyes are soft with love's yearning, when my voice resonates love's pleasure, when my body moves like a dancer in ecstasy, when my expressions reflect love's depths, he will be inspired, as I fill his life with light like an infinitely blossoming flower.
While making love, my surrendered yearning draws him deeply into my body and my heart. he can enter me fully, into my love, and he can guide my surrender, as he dissolves with me, opening as one love.
My heart can offer a devotional surrender and openness so inviting that he has no choice but to come to full presence. His fully present masculine heart can claim me so deeply that I have no choice but to open and surrender to love's bliss, larger than I could alone.
To deny him love is to deny opening to my deepest heart yearning. Love is my discipline, and it is not always easy. living open as love will attract his willingness to open and feel in mutual worship.
8/12/2008
I found this forum way back around the time I first found K's looking. I reread it all last week and found it fascinating as to how different was my reaction and feelings.
There are a wide variety of responses/reactions, many such as I felt and you feel at times as well as male reactions though keep in mind every man is different, some being the dogs they have the reputation of having, but I don't think there were any really disturbing entries.
I found it helpful then, and I find it so now. If you like erotic literature, they have reasonably good stories though I have long since tired of them. They tend to get repetitive and many deal with cheating which I find very unsexy, upsetting.
There are links to sites for pictures as a good starting point for you to find things you like. I warn you that at first it may feel weird, uncomfortable, even disturbing, for most women are not used to this or this kind of behavior, but if you can stay relaxed and keep an open mind, you will find things that arouse you.
I advise you not to censor yourself. If you like rape or submission scenes, so be it. It's actually a very common woman fantasy. Most sites have links to even more sites, so you will quickly find things to check out.
Now if you can only own for yourself, and I have, mostly, that pictures for men are so not real to them to the point of almost not being registered as a person in their heads. They are objects of arousal, not figures of love and passion which is what we are to our men.
A picture or even a live woman for that matter is a momentary buzz, and it's just as quickly gone. They are wired that way, to be aroused by almost any woman, but they know the difference between that and the full bodied response they experience when they see or are with the woman they love, the one with whom they want more than anything to share their minds, bodies, and souls.
If you let them in, they will come so gratefully (no pun intended) with arms open wide. There is a clear distinction in the same hard wiring between attraction and attraction attraction.
Any man worth anything doesn't even have to fight the sexual urges when it involves another, for the urge is not directed at her but at us. She the whatever other woman who happens to cross his path, arouses him without connection in any way whatsoever. This arousal he stores, and it can build throughout the day or several days, and he wants to bring it to us if we are open and allow it,
Hugs and kisses, D.
July, 2008
Do you respect me? Do you care about how I feel?
I've been asking for your help, and you've been wonderful, seemingly open and honest and generous. This has felt really, really good.
I also made a small request, to not look when I'm right here in the other room or outside, a tiny concession considering all of this I've done and continue to do.
You said it would not be a problem. I was already reduced to behavior a couple of weeks ago that I abhor (snooping) which felt bad enough, but to have my suspicions confirmed made me feel so bad, confused, and upset.
You said in defense that you thought it was no big deal now that this door has been opened, so then why hide it and then lie about it? You said that it was just a white lie and though it did not feel as such to me and still doesn't, I let all of this go because I realize that this is new for you too, and maybe you were unsure as to how I would react. Maybe you were testing me to see if I was checking up on you.
But I have this nagging feeling from the other day that won't leave me, and I hate feeling it. I don't want to think that you would go back on your word and then lie to me again about it. Do you have anything you want to say to me?
This is what I wanted to say. I'm happy I didn't.
July 2008
It feels awful being me sometimes. My little brain gets in my way. It lies to me. It creates monsters from little things or out of nothing at all. Learning to quiet the voices, learning to let go has not been easy. It's still an effort, and I'm still learning.
I've been working so hard for almost three years, harder than ever, and it has felt horrible, ugly, and painful. It has felt as though my deepest stuff was tapped into, opening up thick, black ickyness. There have been times of such despair I felt like giving up, but there have also been some lovely moments which have kept me going.
What pushed me onto this part of my journey has been challenging all by itself. It has haunted me, been on my mind constantly from whispers in the background to full on screaming. I have felt trapped in a prison of my own creation where I've struggled with it and suffered over it. What little respite there has been has been found in sleep, for curiously I never once dreamed about it.
I tried everything conceivable from ignoring it to pretending it's not there to fighting it to torturing myself with it. None of these tactics worked for very long. I felt that the only option left aside from leaving was to come directly to you, talk with you, ask you questions, and open the door to sharing it with you, but this has meant turning some of my belief systems upside down and inside out, changing almost everything I have felt about it.
All of this that I've been doing feels huge. It is huge. Maybe I'm discovering a part of me I didn't know was there which could be really nice, but I can't say I feel secure in it all. I feel unsure about it all. I still feel conflicted, and I don't think I'll ever feel okay with you looking at pictures when I'm right here, in the other room, or outside in the garden. This just doesn't feel good at all.
July, 2008
I've been feeling upset. I don't want to feel upset. This is all so new, and I'm having conflicting feelings about it. Part of me is aroused by it, especially thinking of us doing it together. I want to do that again.
Another part of me is upset by it, especially thinking about you doing it by yourself even though I know you save it, your orgasms, for me. I'm finding myself thinking about it all the time again.
You told me along time ago that you don't do it when I'm around. Now I'm wondering if that's changed. The thought of you doing it when I'm in the other room feels icky.
July, 2008
I have a problem. Can you help me please?
There's this big, white elephant that sits in this room a great deal of the time, for a long time now.
I've tried ignoring him, but he talks to me, tells me fantastic stories. I've tried pretending he's not there, but he sneaks up behind me and grabs me, squeezes me so hard I almost can't breathe.
I've tried fighting him, but sooner or later he pins me down, and I feel helpless before him, especially since he's been hurting me so much.
I want to ask you to show me what you look at. Show me what you do. In order for me to understand something, for example human nature, behaviors, I need to feel it, feel how it is to want to do things, behave a certain way, feel how it is for the person.
Ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist doesn't work for me, for it simply creeps back to haunt me, makes me feel bad, causes me to close my heart, disconnect, and this is dangerous for an intimate relationship.
Putting up with it without the understanding is also a bad idea, for bad feelings of another sort can and usually do accrue, resentment, anger, hatred.
I've had brief glimpses of how it might be for him when he looks and though I know it's not at all how I've imagined it, especially when I feel low, it's still not been enough for me to integrate, own, and I still haven't understood, so the glimpses haven't lasted long, haven't been deeply felt.
Many people have told me many things, him included, and all of it has helped, but it wasn't getting me to feel it. Sharing it with him implanted it deeply within me. I felt, saw, touched, played with the whole thing with him and shared what turned out to be a highly erotic, fun, sexual experience.
Some of the old feelings are still there out of habit I suppose since they've been with me for three years, but they merely whisper ever so softly and only every now and then. I trust though that they will soon fade away to nothing.
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