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5/17/2008
When I feel bad, when my thoughts turn to the negative, when they dwell on and obsess about his possible thoughts, when they insist on making me feel small and insignificant, inconsequential, not enough in any way, when they push me off my tiny stand of confidence and self-esteem, when they denigrate and deride me, when I allow then to take me over, I have to remember that those voices LIE.
Whatever is the truth, it has little if any resemblance to those lying voices. Those nasty voices keep my walls in place, and they can become loud and strident whenever I break through.
It's fear. It's a form of protection. To open wide, to release completely into vulnerability is the most frightening thing I will ever do, and my instincts scream in protest. Those screams become the lying voices. I have to push them away, ignore them with everything I have.
The feelings are very real. The feelings must be felt, the anger, the sadness, the grief, the fear are all real. I need to sink into those feelings, feel them, and allow them to pass. Feel the anger. It will pass. Feel the sadness. It will pass. Feel the grief. It will pass. Feel the fear. It too will pass.
Relax as best as I can. Open my heart as much as it will at any given moment. Smile, to my heart, to my entire being. Feel more deeply. Embrace it all; integrate it all. They are all my friends. Hold them. Love them. Relax even more if possible. Open even more if I can.
Imagine something beautiful, anything that feels good, an exquisite sunset, a star-filled night sky, a big full moon, a garden full of smiling flowers, ladybugs, swans, butterflies, faeries, a dear friend. Imagine it all, the colors, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the little details. Make it as real as possible.
I love to imagine my beloved, love bursting from his heart, his sweet face, his radiant smile. I see him take my face into his beautiful hands and kiss me deeply, adoringly, lovingly, sweetly, tenderly. I feel him caress me all over, his hands on my breasts, my belly, my thighs, my sex. I smell his special smell buried in his neck, behind his ears. I feel the anticipation, the excitement, the love, the passion, all of it.
Know that this is the true reality. The Voices may be resilient and resistant, but I am stronger than they.
A man does not care a fig about the looks of the one he loves. Once you qualify as good enough, that's all he needs. What he wants is your essence, to feel it in his daily life. Your feelings are his connection to feeling energy. The more your are in your head, the farther you get from your body, your feelings. The further you are in your head, the more tension is created in the relationship.
About sex. Men and women are very different. What turns one person on is often different from what turns another person on. Women tend to find romance and intrigue erotic, and men tend to find the raunchy, ribald, crude, lascivious, and kinky to be erotic. Its hard for us to understand if we are repelled by what arouses them.
If you felt wonderful about yourself and who you are, would it bother you that he has eyes for any woman he finds attractive or sexy, but his heart belongs only to you? What if there is no such thing as a man who has eyes for only one woman though his heart may truly belong to only one woman? What if all men are aroused by many, many women they see in magazines and on the street, but that feeling does not travel to their hearts and souls?
Since you are not used to a man who is so good and giving, what if what you want here in terms of the level of possession of his body is impossible? What if you cannot have his or any man's complete and undivided attention 100% of the time? What if that weren't a good thing?
What if you were to let go of the fear of losing him and let him be who he is which is a man, like all men, who enjoy looking at different women? What if this is the human condition? What if you have an impossible, unrealistic standard? What if you're wrong about a great many things? What if you're right? Does it matter?
Is he entitled to look as much as he wants as long as he's careful of your feelings and his heart and body belong firmly and forever to you? Would it make a difference if every man in the world is like this? Would you then choose not to be with a man?
Are you certain that you are not aroused or esthetically pleased when you see a man in a picture, on a movie screen, or on the street that for a flickering moment you find attractive? Does this affect your feelings for him?
You can only become so comfortable with yourself and the full variety of sexual response and possibilities that you can embrace him as he is though he is neither perfect or manageable by you.
The confusion you are feeling is about your core beliefs, values, and a complete upending of what you know to be true. Please do not expect this to pass quickly. There is a whole new world out there for you to discover, explore, accept, or refuse, and there are whole new parts of yourself that are coming up or re-examination.
What a wonderful journey you are on, and K seems to me to have created the perfect situation for deepening the possibilities of an intimate relationship for you. Whether or not you wish to accept this challenge is up to you!
I feel so inadequate, so in despair. I hate feeling like I'm a victim of my negative thoughts, trapped by my fears, rendered immobile by old habits.
I work so hard to release and let go, yet it seems endless, and when I feel inundated with bad thoughts of my own creation, thoughts that may have a grain of truth, I feel like I've come nowhere, that I'll never reach a place where I feel peace mostly and love always.
I wanted to feel, and now that I'm no longer numb, I'm in pain most of the time though there was pain in numbness too, of a different sort. I barely feel love at all, and this is so devastating. When I feel it, it feels amazing. I want to roll in it, bathe in it, taste it, swallow it, immerse my body, mind, heart, and spirit in it.
Why is it so tenuous? Why does it go away? Why am I seemingly so afraid of it? I want those ancient tears to flow, wash me clean. I want the ache in my heart to release. I want to feel my heart open, relaxed, vulnerable, free, bursting with sweet, exquisite love, radiating from me to him, him to me, through us to the universe.
So much has been opening, unveiling to free,
My heart, at times, torn to pieces carelessly.
Survival has forced me to hold on tight.
No longer needed, that life of fierce fight?
The walls are crumbling, falling away.
Feelings flow through me, some yet held at bay.
It's scary. It's awesome, wonderful, and new.
To unearth what has been buried, to feel you.
This woman of love, in dreams she came to me,
Asking me to create into reality,
All I wish for, peace and love so free,
A golden man of my heart, for all eternity.
It's all so daunting, here for the taking.
I wonder if I sleep, or am I awaking.
My eyes wide open, heart and soul trail behind,
Reaching to embrace life's mysteries in kind.
I love to feel your hands on me as they touch.
I love to hear you say words of love so much.
I love to see your look of lust and devotion.
I love to feel our passionate emotion.
I ache to revel, hesitate with fear unnamed.
I want to lose control, in love untold, untamed.
I want to go further, to the deepest of the deeps,
Intimate truth, soulful love, always for keeps.
I want to expose completely, share my all with you.
I want to feel your soul, embrace mine so true.
I offer you my love, through sunshine and in storm.
I offer you my heart, to have, to hold, full and warm.
Healing is not dependent on curing or removing a problem but on making it meaningful, finding its gift and the nourishment it can bring.
Pain is a powerful presence. Sometimes this ally gently leaves as it is incorporated into a compassionate heart. Sometimes its continued presence is preferable when the recognition arises that it is trying to give a message, a push to acknowledge and work to release pieces within which are no longer needed.
Suffering is a resistance to and denial of these pieces and the pain they bring. There is no pain in the hurt but in the breaking down of the barriers to love that the hurt challenges us to do. Surrender to it. Surrender to self and self-love. Fall in love again and again in a never ending spiral of grief and joy.
Old habits don't have to be erased. They just need to become replaced by a new habit that is more in vibrational harmony with who I am and what I want.
There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell on it, the more life you will give to that thought. Give it enough life and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a loving one.
Real love is identifiable by the way it makes you feel . Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling you with warmth and light. When you are truly loved, this love awakens love for self. True love empowers you with the message that you always have been and always will be love.
Fear can be created over and over again. So can love...Choose a new ending.
Love is not the opposite of fear. Love is not the opposite of anything. True love is far more powerful than any negative emotion. Yet this great ocean of love within is the environment from which all things arise to flow through and move on, be they beautiful or ugly, gentle or forceful, courageous or fearful, tiny or vast.
We are all made of love, every little bit, and we live our lives as one with love. It is an illusion that we can separate from love, for in this world of positive and negative, darkness and light, male and female, underlying our choices is always the choice to be conscious of what we are which is love. When we can make our choices with this awareness, we can be blissful and angry, joyful and sad, confident and scared, wise and playful, yet we will never be anything but what we are, LOVE.
BELIEVE IN MAGIC
Life changes in magical ways when the heart and the mind is open to the experience of what is. With acceptance, there is nothing to fight, and this creates a space for beauty and love to manifest and blossom. Unconditional love is unconditional acceptance which is healing.
Faith cannot occupy the same space as fear.
Fear is the feeling of mistrust. Fear is the heart's contraction that withdraws openness behind walls of protection. Anything less than a life of total loving is a life lived in fear. Fear is the refusal to open as love.
I want to trust with all that I be.
I want to open to you fully.
I want to feel you deep within me,
Our yearning hearts so completely.
Devotionally bared I wish to surrender,
To enter me, feel me, sweet and tender.
Fill me with your loving presence.
Take us beyond our spirits' remembrance.
Where two souls, as one, immersed enhance,
A blissful love with divine resonance.
Breathe low, deep into my pelvis. Relax. Relax. Melt. Melt.
Imagine his energy coming at me. Receive. Receive.
Open my chest. Allow all the icky stuff to waft out. Release. Release.
Let it go. Let it float away. Drop all thoughts, and just feel.
Imagine the air, the sun, the moon touching me, caressing me, bathing me with sensuousness. Allow my heart to expand. Feel even more deeply. Expand inward. Expand outward.
Melt. Breathe. Relax. Melt.
Stay far away from, "What is he thinking or what is he doing." It's poison. Follow my feelings in the moment, in every moment. Feel all my feelings. Be with them. embrace them. Move onto the next feeling.
The voices lie. Always. Ignore them. Push them aside. What feels bad are lies. Follow what feels good. Gently turn to what feels good, again and again. Build happy memories. Feel their energy. Feel the energy of love coming into me. Breathe deeply into my heart. Feel the connection.
Allow my future to pull on me. If I can imagine it, I can create it. I can change my thoughts. I can transform my feelings. I can create a new reality.
Letting go is a moment by moment process. Trust. Hope transforms into faith. Walk into the sunset of golden pink light, warm and vibrant. I surrender. I am Angel Goddess.
