April 13, 2009

what's really bothering you

Whatever thoughts you may have around any bad feelings or negative thoughts that arise, more specifically and more importantly with someone significant in your life, eg. your beloved, whether it be something real or imaginary, most of the time those thoughts are not true. They are the stories you create, as your old stuff is being tapped into, and these stories have nothing to do with what's at hand.

The situation which created the bad feelings and/or negative thoughts may seem very real. It certainly feels real, and in a sense it is. But what's really going on is that you are being triggered, and your gremlin voices have crept back in telling you lies based on your past, the hurts, the traumas that feel much like what is occurring in the present.

You had a moment of shakiness instigated by a word, an event which allowed them to breach the boundaries of your goddess self to release an old pain, again one that has nothing to do with the now. It's an ancient fear, one that may very well always be with you, but the more you can recognize it for what it is, something from the past, the less impact it will have on you now. It's the old stuff coloring the new.

For example this past weekend was my birthday. I already knew what my present from my man was going to be, a beautiful diamond and ruby ring and not a small one. Almost everyone I had told about getting this wonderful gift to come asked me if it meant we were getting married. This hadn't even occurred to me.

Though someday I would like to do this, even after seven years it doesn't feel like the right time. We are so good together that there's a fear that it might spoil this great thing we have, and for all intents and purposes we are already married, our hearts and souls are that is. We are already committed to each other. We adore each other. We have an amazing sex life that is firmly connected to our hearts in a never ending spiraling figure eight between us. A piece of paper cannot add to this. And honestly it's just not that important to me anymore.

In some ways marriage feels like an artificial construct imposed by society. So when and if it happens, it would be lovely; it would maybe be a tiny little extra something special, but really it would be more about ease of maneuvering within the constraints of our legal system.

Anyway I dismissed everyone's conjectures, but as the day approached, I started feeling strange, anxious, disconnected from myself and from him. I started having thoughts that looked like, "He's been talking animatedly with our mutual friend. I haven't been really included in the conversation. Does he have a thing for her? Does he fantasize about being with her?"
Now she's happily married , and when I'm being sane, I know to my core that my man is very happy with me, lusts only for me.

This escalated. I started having thoughts again about the images he looks at sometimes, porn, photos of much younger, prettier? women. I wondered if he thinks about being with any of them. Or worse he imagines one or more of them when we make love. Of course all of this was affecting how I was being with him. He's very sensitive to me, so he knew something was up with me.

Then HE started feeling weird to me, distant, almost cold even though on the surface he seemed the same. I asked him if something was bothering him, and he came back with that he was feeling like I'm expecting him to validate my existence.
I was floored. Whatever strange energy I was putting out, it certainly wasn't that. He can't do that for me. I have to do that for myself. He knows that I know that and live that.

My energy notwithstanding, it became clear to me that he was being triggered. And I also realized that I too was being triggered by something far deeper than the silly incident with our friend.
Something else was going on with both of us, and apparently we were also feeding off of each others' energy.

In a moment I understood. A ring such as this is deeply symbolic. As unconventional as we are, we are still traditional in our own ways. Even for us, something such as a diamond ring resonates with proposals and weddings.

Deep within I was worrying that he would ask. Not that I would have said no had he, but I really didn't want him to, not now. And this is probably what was triggering him as well. He was likely concerned that this is what I was expecting, so he was feeling pressured, a pressure of his own making by the way. He was not wanting to do this either, not right now. He was misreading my weird energy as I was his.

So all the bad thoughts I was having had nothing to do with what was going which was nothing really. It was all based on unfounded fears. The not wanting to get married just yet was being masked by old stuff which for me looks like abandonment fears, and for him it looks like demands and/or expectations being imposed on him.

As soon as I figured this out, my energy reestablished itself and since men take our lead in this, his quickly did too. I shared all of this with him. He laughed almost in dismissal, but I know he understood the dynamic which had been created between us.

So the next time you're having bad thoughts about the one you love, you might ask yourself, "Is this true? Could it really be something else altogether? What if it weren't true? What if this is really my stuff and has nothing to do with him at all?"

This alone will help you feel better. If you can figure out what it really is that's bothering you, it will help all the more. Even if the facts of what you think is troubling you appear to be true, likely it's not what you've created out of it. You have the power to realize that everyone gets triggered, the wisdom to understand that it's not about you, and the courage to manage your own stuff, whatever comes up for you. You have been brought together to heal or not. As I've said before, "Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed." The choice is yours. So, what's really bothering you?


Anonymous said...

Well feb 25th,2010, I got my 1st.dear jane were done!right in the kit.devastated aint the word.we have been on&off since,he dumped me 10 x"s in 12 months. the 27th of jan 2011 was the last.Im out of bdrm& on couch,& still payin the full 1/2 of bills, like a fool.& i get all the abuse,disrespect[him&his followers] dissed,etc&etc.all i asked for[it still hurts me]was not to put his womanizing&bdrm sluts in my face.at 1st,he did till i went off a few x"s!now he waits till i get 10 steps from the door,or his all-niters.i"ve got alot of sht, hes pulled on me&the lies he tells me.my 2"nd big hurt was[we had got bk togeather]12-25 2010,he was at his man btchs hse,& was on his way hm[10:00pm] were going to a xmas eve party, no show,call he no ans. cell. his friend calls me xmas morn saying he was seen coming out of a motel[2-blocks from apt.]ck out time.again i was devastated! he still no ans cell. now im seeing red!!i left a jucy mess. later that nite his friend calls again, now hes in jail!in car w/some btch pulling out of a bar!got stopped.hes gone cars gone&his kid is trying to get rid of the btch! he gets out new yrs eve,do i need to go on? theres a 3rd& its a good 1,but later,MAD? heck ya& it aint just in my head, its all over! LLL

why men pull away said...

That's definitely a tough situation for the above commenter. It sounds like you are strong and will push through it just fine. Keep your head high.

gumbala said...

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