bye bye

Bye Bye Blogspot.
Blogspot Bye Bye.
Please come and join me in my new, now official location:
wwwsexandheart.com.
I look forward to hearing from everyone. Come to relax, read, and say hello. I love it when you leave your thoughts and comments.

Coming soon :)

100% organic made from herbs and flowers I grow in my garden and lovingly infuse, blend, and create:

face serums/moisturizers
body butters
medicinals/tinctures
flower essence remedies.

insecure, oh yes

Insecurities are difficult, often seemingly impossible. And yes insecurities interfere, get in your way, frustrate you, anger you. It's fear. It's always fear which we all carry to some degree or another. It can vary from day to day, minute to minute even. And it's all okay.

Know that you will never be free of them forever. They do serve a purpose. They act as reminders that your work is never completed. There's always room for more opening, more growth, more blossoming, and this is wonderful. If you can share this with another, heal with them and within them, it doesn't get much more beautiful than that.


Men and women alike are plagued with fears, read insecurities. I could argue that women more easily fall victim to them in some respects given the enormous pressure on us to look a certain way, young, beautiful, sexy, and we are often rejected via many venues for not filling the bill. Ask yourself though, "Is this the kind of man you want? Is this the kind of job you want? Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Do you want a life full of meaning or one that's filled with nothing?"

Yet we are bombarded with it and everywhere, and this sucks, and this hurts, big time. We can often and rather easily lose our sense of self and focus on what really doesn't matter so much, obsessing over what are usually lies, what we have lost or never had in the first place, such trivialities and so untrue. Sadly it seems as much as we are gaining equality, in some ways we are succumbing more and more to societal mores.

Who you are though is not your face nor your body. I'm not saying to neglect yourself. But you don't have to look a certain way or be anything but who you are to be gorgeous. For who you are is love. Who you are is found in your heart and soul, and this can glow more than any youthful, unblemished, "perfect" skin or form, shine forth more brilliantly than a flawless diamond, radiate more beautifully no matter what your age or physicality. PLEASE, PLEASE remember this.

I struggle with this as do you. I may always as may you. And strangely or maybe not so, it seems to hit me the hardest every time I have an emotional and/or spiritual breakthrough. For me every time I open myself just a bit more, become more vulnerable just a little, part the curtains that shield me, bare my heart and soul, my insecurities can sometimes come rushing in, sometimes flooding my consciousness, yet sometimes they merely ripple through, barely noticed, hardly acknowledged.

There's no telling what's going to happen when, and you don't need to know. Try not to fret when insecurities come to visit. Try not to resist. Sink into them as deeply as you can. Be with them. Flow with them. Ride their waves. They will take you where you ultimately wish to go.

open-eyed heart

Whenever you are about to embark on a new endeavor or are being faced with an event or situation over which trepidation, hesitancy, anxiety, or even fear creeps in (which could also be mixed with excitement), wherever you are physically, emotionally, spiritually in that moment, try this:

Be prepared for anything, yet keep yourself as open as possible. BE CURIOUS. BE VERY, VERY CURIOUS. Whatever unfolds, even if it's nothing at all, allow awe, allow wide-eyed wonder.

fear and such

Whenever fear knocks at your door, welcome it, embrace it even. See it as an opportunity to expand and grow even more. As painful and as difficult as your process of letting and allowing vulnerability can be at times, knowing that with each step it becomes easier is comfort in and of itself.

Yet every time fear, whatever fear arises, even if it's of a greatly diminished nature, try letting it in, for a little while. Resist the urge to resist it or push it way. Try not to ignore it. Know that whatever triggered the fear has nothing whatsoever to do with what's going on around and about you. Know that it's you, something deep within that has yet to be healed. Try sinking into for a moment and then recognizing it for what it is. Your fear is just a little piece of you. You were triggered by something; it doesn't matter what it is, and fear arose; it doesn't have to have a name.

Fears never go away completely, forever, and that's not a bad thing, so when it rears it's little head, acknowledge it and know that all this piece really needs is a big hug from you and a place to snuggle for awhile within you.

Appreciating this, allowing this, will alleviate the fear, put it back into perspective, and thus you will avoid falling into obsessive thoughts, wallowing in ever increasing hurt, falling into a deep, dark abyss.

new location

This is a little note to let you all know that I will be moving everything over to my own domain. Each day, more or less, and in chronological order, a former post will be retyped on my new site. This site will remain, and I will continue to post here though not as often until everything has been moved, but then all new material will be found at:

http://sexandheart.com/wordpress/.

Please join me, reread old posts as reminders, and please, please let me know what you think, about the new site, any past postings, current ones, or anything at all.
I will post another note when it's time to say goodbye to blogspot.
I look forward to seeing you in my new home. :)

sexandheart.com

hugs, tinque

overthinking

Thinking read analyzing will get you into trouble every time. Each time you ask yourself, "What is he doing? What is he thinking", you are opening the door wide, inviting your lying little gremlin voices in, and they will come in, happily, gladly. They will whisper little nastys in you ear. Those little whispers will become screams in no time. They know your vulnerable spots, and they will find them. They will worm their way in; they will take you over if you let them, and as you know this hurts.

You are at your most vulnerable whenever you are feeling shaky, if only a little bit, and you may not even know you are wavering, not until you find yourself being revisited by whatever it is that triggers you as evidenced by those little friends of yours.

The temptation to give in to those thoughts and analyze a likely non-existent situation is strong. The icky feelings flood in, the thoughts escalate, and soon you're sinking ever deeper into an abyss, spiraling into hell.

You must catch yourself as soon as possible. You can recognize that you're feeling shaky, that you've been triggered, or really you are triggering yourself, and you know because "they" are talking to you.

Know that you are only having these thoughts and feelings like this because you've been thrown for whatever reason, maybe even only a fleeting thought of which you were totally unaware. Know that this is all you, all your stuff, not anyone else's.

We go to these places because they are familiar and there is comfort in familiarity even if it feels uncomfortable as strange and contradictory as that may sound. Opening yourself, being vulnerable is the scariest thing you will likely ever do. Sometimes it just feels too much. Deep down we can feel unworthy, so these thoughts keep what you wish for at arm's length. Or we can feel fear, a fear that it will all be taken away, so if we run interference in the form of these bad thoughts, the analyzing, we won't be hurt by the hurt that is surely inevitable.

THIS IS ALL NONSENSE. This is old thinking. These are old habits.

Indulge in a shaky feeling moment if you wish. Turn the thoughts over a few times if you must, but then recognize them for what they are, silly and unfounded. Laugh at them. Dismiss them. Talk to them. Soothe them, or turn them into a beautiful memory, one that more resembles the truth. Allow the new feelings that arise to seep in and permeate you.

So don't be afraid when those thoughts and feelings come to visit. Old thinking and old habits won't disappear quickly or completely for that matter. They may come to visit periodically always, but that's okay. Yes they feel unpleasant. Yes it can feel as though you are not progressing or not progressing fast enough. Yes it can be frustrating, but I'm here to tell you that they do diminish with time in intensity, as time between visits grows. When they appear know that it's simply a reminder that there's more work to do. There's always more work to do, and this is part of the journey, and it's yours. This is your life, and it's wonderful.

what's really bothering you

Whatever thoughts you may have around any bad feelings or negative thoughts that arise, more specifically and more importantly with someone significant in your life, eg. your beloved, whether it be something real or imaginary, most of the time those thoughts are not true. They are the stories you create, as your old stuff is being tapped into, and these stories have nothing to do with what's at hand.

The situation which created the bad feelings and/or negative thoughts may seem very real. It certainly feels real, and in a sense it is. But what's really going on is that you are being triggered, and your gremlin voices have crept back in telling you lies based on your past, the hurts, the traumas that feel much like what is occurring in the present.

You had a moment of shakiness instigated by a word, an event which allowed them to breach the boundaries of your goddess self to release an old pain, again one that has nothing to do with the now. It's an ancient fear, one that may very well always be with you, but the more you can recognize it for what it is, something from the past, the less impact it will have on you now. It's the old stuff coloring the new.

For example this past weekend was my birthday. I already knew what my present from my man was going to be, a beautiful diamond and ruby ring and not a small one. Almost everyone I had told about getting this wonderful gift to come asked me if it meant we were getting married. This hadn't even occurred to me.

Though someday I would like to do this, even after seven years it doesn't feel like the right time. We are so good together that there's a fear that it might spoil this great thing we have, and for all intents and purposes we are already married, our hearts and souls are that is. We are already committed to each other. We adore each other. We have an amazing sex life that is firmly connected to our hearts in a never ending spiraling figure eight between us. A piece of paper cannot add to this. And honestly it's just not that important to me anymore.

In some ways marriage feels like an artificial construct imposed by society. So when and if it happens, it would be lovely; it would maybe be a tiny little extra something special, but really it would be more about ease of maneuvering within the constraints of our legal system.

Anyway I dismissed everyone's conjectures, but as the day approached, I started feeling strange, anxious, disconnected from myself and from him. I started having thoughts that looked like, "He's been talking animatedly with our mutual friend. I haven't been really included in the conversation. Does he have a thing for her? Does he fantasize about being with her?" Now she's happily married , and when I'm being sane, I know to my core that my man is very happy with me, lusts only for me.

This escalated. I started having thoughts again about the images he looks at sometimes, porn, photos of much younger, prettier? women. I wondered if he thinks about being with any of them. Or worse he imagines one or more of them when we make love. Of course all of this was affecting how I was being with him. He's very sensitive to me, so he knew something was up with me.

Then HE started feeling weird to me, distant, almost cold even though on the surface he seemed the same. I asked him if something was bothering him, and he came back with that he was feeling like I'm expecting him to validate my existence. I was floored. Whatever strange energy I was putting out, it certainly wasn't that. He can't do that for me. I have to do that for myself. He knows that I know that and live that.

My energy notwithstanding, it became clear to me that he was being triggered. And I also realized that I too was being triggered by something far deeper than the silly incident with our friend. Something else was going on with both of us, and apparently we were also feeding off of each others' energy.

In a moment I understood. A ring such as this is deeply symbolic. As unconventional as we are, we are still traditional in our own ways. Even for us, something such as a diamond ring resonates with proposals and weddings.

Deep within I was worrying that he would ask. Not that I would have said no had he, but I really didn't want him to, not now. And this is probably what was triggering him as well. He was likely concerned that this is what I was expecting, so he was feeling pressured, a pressure of his own making by the way. He was not wanting to do this either, not right now. He was misreading my weird energy as I was his.

So all the bad thoughts I was having had nothing to do with what was going which was nothing really. It was all based on unfounded fears. The not wanting to get married just yet was being masked by old stuff which for me looks like abandonment fears, and for him it looks like demands and/or expectations being imposed on him.

As soon as I figured this out, my energy reestablished itself and since men take our lead in this, his quickly did too. I shared all of this with him. He laughed almost in dismissal, but I know he understood the dynamic which had been created between us.

So the next time you're having bad thoughts about the one you love, you might ask yourself, "Is this true? Could it really be something else altogether? What if it weren't true? What if this is really my stuff and has nothing to do with him at all?"

This alone will help you feel better. If you can figure out what it really is that's bothering you, it will help all the more. Even if the facts of what you think is troubling you appear to be true, likely it's not what you've created out of it. You have the power to realize that everyone gets triggered, the wisdom to understand that it's not about you, and the courage to manage your own stuff, whatever comes up for you. You have been brought together to heal or not. As I've said before, "Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed." The choice is yours. So, what's really bothering you?

life and love

Life is strange, surreal even. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all an illusion, a dream because it feels so tenuous, and sometimes I feel so removed from it, as if I'm an outsider looking in at all the wonders, all the pain, all of it. Sometimes it feels as if it shouldn’t be at all.

Life is love. We live for it. It’s so much a part of us, stronger even than the power of the fear of death. We rarely give up in our search for it. This feels very real.

Life is full of fear, and it feels just as real, maybe more so than the feelings of love. I feel fear hovering around me much of the time. How encompassing it might be varies from day to day, moment to moment.

Fear can rule you. Fear can drive you, usually into the ground. Fear, any fear always comes back to the fear of death. So we seek love, and maybe if we find it, we will be saved from the death we so fear or at least be released from this fear. Yet the thought of allowing love in and then to have it yanked away at any time is an awful, awful thought and feeling too, scary, almost as scary as the fear of death because if it's happened to you, you know that's how it feels, like the end of everything.

You can live fearful of the inevitable, endings, any endings, the end, but this is paralyzing, leaving you fearful of most possibilities. When it comes to love, as much as we crave it, fear can cause us to push love away. You can find yourself avoiding the very thing you want so desperately, the very thing that is life. LOVE.

Fear may be love's opposite, yet it's not its enemy.You can learn to allow it to help you by allowing it to drive you in the direction you really want to go, into your heart, towards your passions. Instead of fighting the fear, give in to it, feel it fully. It won't consume you. The resistance is what fuels it. If you allow it, it will shift, change into something else.

An extension of this is to live in each and every moment fully. Live each moment as if it's the first one you ever had, one filled with awe and wonder and yes love. You will never get back any of your moments, so relish them, revel in them, love them no matter what they bring.

You have to allow it all, the good, the bad, the yummy, the icky, for it's all good. It all makes you stronger and closer to the peace you seek as well as the love you so wish for within yourself and for yourself. Yes it hurts to hurt, but how else would you know bliss if you haven't felt the deepest of abysses?

If you want something with all you have, anything and everything is possible, for desire allows belief which leads to even greater desire which leads you to the life you have dreamed of. And it will be. Remember that love is what we are born as, what we are. Life is love. Love is life.

words

Words inherently have no meaning other than the ones an individual might attach to them. This is a broad statement and not entirely true in that a tree will always be a tree no matter how someone might try to convince me otherwise.

But what about those words that shift and change, morph even depending on an individual's experience, upbringing, the society in which they live?

Words can and do hurt. They can and do feel bad, but it's contingent on what those words mean to you as an individual and the emotions they evoke. They can have different meanings, varied connotations depending on the person and also depending on the situation.

There are really no words that are "bad". I thought of the worst word for me, one that I hate to hear, write. The one word that makes me cringe. That word is cunt. Yet this words dates back to the Middle Ages if not before. Cunny shortened to cunte was no more offensive than vajayjay would be today. Chaucer's works are filled with this word.

A blonde could conjure up images of a bimbo, a woman with little upstairs, yet to others she might represent beauty.

I know of a woman who enjoys being called bitch in bed. I wouldn't like that at all. It would feel bad under any circumstances for me, but that's me. She's okay with it, so I'm okay that she's okay.

Men too have words attached to them that can have negative connotations. Player, playboy, gigolo all speak to me of men I would not want to know, but I'm sure there are many women who would disagree with me and many men who would feel quite alright being called any one of these, proud even.

Even the "n" word depending on who says it, where and how it is said is not always a "bad" word. I would find it offensive if spoken in my presence as would a great many others, yet it's spoken freely within the black community in a non-charged fashion. Anywhere else though, no way.

My man calls me his hussy slut ho which for me speaks of my sexual blossoming and the freedom I discovered in that which I explored with him. He speaks it with love, respect, admiration, and adoration. This makes me feel as the most sensuous goddess, for that is how it is meant. It's something fun and playful between us.

Yet to some these words connote degradation; they represent a fallback to a time when women were nothing but possessions, objects to be used at will. These could be thought of as some of the lowest things one can call a woman. This could be true for me too if someone said this to me with evil intent, if the implication was that I was promiscuous which means to me that I would have numbed myself so much, that I would be such pain from my numbness that I would feel compelled to sleep with anything that has a dangly between his legs or something like that. In this context it would feel awful. To someone else it might mean something else altogether.

No word is pure in its meaning. Any word can mean many things to many different people. No word is inherently bad. It's all about the individual and/or the context. So I will continue to love, embrace my hussy slut ho-ness within my relationship, the one with whom I share my bed, my life, my heart, my beloved.

thought for today, for always

The closer you come to allowing yourself to touch your core, your deepest heart, the love you were born as, the love you are, the more in harmony you will be with others, and the more as love they will feel to you, for you are opening yourself, your heart, allowing yourself to touch, to feel their core, their love, they as love.

What others think of you has very little to do with who you are. It has mostly to do with habits of thought they have developed. You create you own as well, and you can change them.

If you want to have thoughts and thus feelings about others that feel good, then create a fantasy that makes you feel warm and peaceful, full. This is especially effective with those to whom you are close, your beloved, a dear friend, because it means more to you. Soon, sooner than you might believe possible, he or she will begin to modify to meet your fantasy.

It's not as woo woo or maybe as arrogant as it may sound. It's simple really. It's all about the energy you project, and what you project comes back to you.

Keep in mind that the fantasy likely more closely aligns with who this person really is which is love, resembling the truth far more than your old habits of thought. The more you live and love as this truth, the more it will be your reality.

the sexual divine

I received a letter from a man who lives in a religious and seemingly sexually repressed society. He lives his life by the Bible, yet his interpretation seems to differ vastly from what he's been taught.

He wishes to celebrate the human body in all its beauty including the joy of sexual orgasm without shame or embarrassment as his reading of the Bible seems to tell him. Yet his upbringing and the teachings in his community contradict this. Women cover themselves, hide their beauty as well as suppress and deny their sexuality, all things this man would feel are God given.

How sad is this. Sex is divine. Sex is to be with the divine. It's a divinely beautiful and precious gift that if we allow ourselves to let go and open enough to fully enjoy, nothing will ever come close to the purity of feeling and state you will experience when you allow yourself to completely relax into orgasm. It's not named "little death" by the French for nothing.

You touch the divine in those blissful moments. Nothing else exits but you in a pure love, pure being state, especially if you are able to share your orgasm with a beloved. Nothing else makes me feel more connected to life, to love, to the collective unconscious, to the universe. Nothing else makes me feel more gorgeous and goddess like. Nothing else feels soooooooo good.

making love while listening at level three

Sex is a very special, intimate, and precious gift when engaged in with someone you love. It's an expression, a declaration, a sharing, a beautiful flow between two people. It's a discovery of self in the moment through two hearts beating as one, two bodies melting one into the other.

After reading a blog entry posted by Rori Raye on havetherelationshipyouwant.com about listening at level three, inspiration struck. This would be something lovely if not profoundly spiritual to try while making love, something that might deepen and further expand something that has seemingly limitless potential for exploration, of bodily sensations, inside and out, of the heart, of the soul.

I've already been going in that direction anyway. The more I have been releasing, letting go, opening myself to myself as well as to my beloved, the more I have been able to feel physically and emotionally, some of it very painful, except when making love, and some of it exquisite as when making love. Every touch, every vibration, every sensation continues to become more so, more nuanced, more intense, just more. Imagine the possibilities of making love while listening at level three.

There are three ways sex can begin for me, with fieriness, electricity coursing through me or gently as a slow build up, or sometimes it can be a blending of the two, but always in the beginning I'm very much into myself, the sensations welling within my body. I am acutely aware of his touch wherever it might be, on my face, his lips against mine, hand caressing hair, body, breasts, waist, back, hips, thighs.

Every inch of flesh tingles, some places more than others, all of it delicious. My heart opens and swells as do my female parts. Sometimes I become highly aroused quickly; other times it's a quieter rise; sometimes I just feel relaxed. I would call this listening at level one.

I then open my eyes to take him in, include him. I see his sparkling eyes, his sensuous smile, his lust, his desire, his love, his energy butting up against mine.

I allow him to see me, all of me, my feminine figure, my arousal, my excited anticipation, my joy, my heart as much as it will reveal itself in this moment. This would be listening at level two.

I close my eyes again and expand my senses beyond us. I feel textures, the sheets brushing against our forms, pillows cradling heads and limbs, the air surrounding us, enveloping us, breathing life into us. I feel the flickering candlelight warming us, making silky, shadowy shapes against our hearts.

I expand farther still to the world outside, all that Mother Nature has to offer, gentle breezes, soft aromas, the pulse of the universe. Yet I'm still very much in my body feeling all that I can feel, every trembling, every oscillation, every beat. And I'm still very much in connection with him, feeling all that he feels, feeling all that he emits and gives me through his skin, his member, his spirit, his heart.

As much as I'm able, I'm allowing all that is to enter me, fill me up, enhance what my being creates, as she surrenders to herself, to her man, to life, to love, moving in a sweet, symbiotic dance. This is making love while listening at level three.

remembering to choose

As I awoke this morning wrapped in my beloved's arms, the familiar, almost ever present feeling of sadness tinged with negativity and anxiety wafted gently through me. Though these feelings have abated greatly, they linger still. They plague me however slight the feeling may be, and this makes me feel...well, sad. "Am I destined to be unhappy always, the artist in angst? Is this what drives me? Does this get in my way?" flashed through my little brain. In the same burst of illumination I understood that it most definitely interferes.

It became a part of me early, likely as a survival mechanism, a protection. It has kept me "safe", free of the fear of hurt, but it has also kept the good stuff at bay. Ironically it creates much the same hurt it's meant to shelter me from. Whether it be from lack of unconditional love or life beating me down over and over so that I numbed out, gave in, or whether it be a habit socially imposed or self-created, does it really matter?

Sadness may always be inside, and this is okay. This I can live with, thrive on, but need it be the greater part of me? Need it smother me? Can I use it instead to enhance the love I have in my heart, the love I was born with, the love we are all born as?

As I lay there taking in his wonderful, comforting smell, the one that turns me on, yet in this moment it was soothing me, calming me, as I nestled there knowing how fortunate I am, for it's not that I'm unaware, unappreciative, ungrateful, I wondered if I could simply choose, choose to feel good all over, inside and out.

This man clearly loves and adores me, is so turned on by me, passionate about me, yet I'm not letting him in, not really. I'm not fully submerging in this moment which is such a special, beautiful one. I'm not allowing myself to be nourished. I'm not allowing my heart and soul to expose themselves completely. I'm allowing my fears, my habits to supersede. How awful is that? How silly is that?

He's right here, delighted to love me. The healing waters are right here bathing me, through his heart, through my heart. What if I simply choose to feel his love, my love in this moment? What if I choose to feel happy right now?

Instantly my body relaxed. The tensions, the holdings I feel so much of the time grabbing at my heart melted, just like that. My energy shifted. I suddenly felt him, every little bit of him, his soft skin radiating warmth, his heart glowing with love and peace. My heart swelled at the same time. In that moment I was utterly and completely open, receiving.

Each time I tighten inside and close the curtains around my heart, each time I guard myself, each time a bad thought creeps in, each time a gremlin voice screams at me or just whispers, I can remember this experience. I have the power to change my habitual patterns. I have the power to choose.

trust, love, and grace

TRUST equals LOVE. LOVE equals TRUST.
To grow in one, you must nurture the other and vice versa. They are not mutually exclusive. They live and breathe side by side, hand in hand. And the connection between the two is GRACE.

There is a calmness to this and a seeming simplicity, but usually there is stuff which interferes, our fears which can manifest in any number of ways. It's all fear. Releasing fear is a process, yet it can be a beautiful and enlightening journey, the path of which is found through whatever means works for you, be it meditation, journaling, reading books and articles that speak to you, sharing with friends or loved ones, finding your passions, all of these, or something else altogether.

Desire to embark on this journey is where it all begins, and this takes courage, strength, and resilience, but it's all so worth it. As you let your fears go, bit by bit is best, for this gives your body, mind, and psyche time to integrate, aspects of trust just seem to creep in as do the most wonderful feelings, indescribable ones. The more you release, the more of this you will feel, and the more your desire will deepen.

Some of the first steps will be leaning to trust yourself first, your intuition, your heart and all that arises from this. The more you actively work to let your fears go, the more you can banish or at least quiet down the demon voices that can sometimes scream at you. The more you can dig deeply inside, the more layers you can shed, the more you will find your true heart, your love that has always lain at your core, the more peace you will find, the more you will trust, and the more you will expand in all ways as the gorgeous goddess woman that you are.

Will you sometimes be hurt? Of course, unless you are able to attain nirvana which most of us as humans won't. You will still be affected by others words, behaviors, habits at times. But keep close the knowledge that they are out of your realm. You can only have control over yourself and your own actions which most importantly include your reactions, your feelings, your hurt.

You can choose to fall into old patterns of allowing others to dictate how you feel. You can try forcing yourself to ignore them by telling yourself they mean no direct harm which is probably true, but you run the danger of stuffing your feelings which can emerge, or they can lie there and fester. Either way it's destructive, and doing this will bring you further away from what you are working to let in, peace, trust, and love.

Or you can choose to sink into the pain, love through the hurt. Feel your feelings, the good feeling ones as well as the bad feeling ones. ALLOW your feelings in all their forms whether you deem them justified or not. Sink deeply into them, and then watch them shift, change, TRANSFORM.

It's perfectly okay to express how you feel. I strongly suggest that you do, without accusation or confrontation. This is done by using feeling statements. For example, "I'm feeling bad, awful, hurt or whatever it is you are feeling." You will likely be asked why. Express that what the person said or did felt bad, and then ask for their help with this or ask what they think. No raised or accusatory voices are necessary.

Compose a little speech and memorize it if this helps you from getting flustered. Keep it short and simple, and keep it all about you and how you feel. If you are nervous or anxious about speaking out, say so. Start out by stating that you feel uncomfortable or frightened bringing whatever it is up.

People can and will hear you if approached in this way. Go with whatever evolves from here be it further discussion, a negotiation, an apology, or nothing at all. If there is no response or if there is any defensiveness, that's okay though this scenario is unlikely. You can turn and walk away. Breath if there is any residue within you. Go do something that feels good to you.

You will learn to trust that any actions or words that hurt you are not intentional. Everyone is on their unique path. They must find their way in their own way. Knowing this makes it easier to let the hurt go.

As you work on yourself, releasing, letting go, and peace begins to pervade you, love begins to flow forth and fill your being, a humbleness, a humility will arise naturally, and what I mean by that is an elegance of spirit, a free flowingness in the face of whatever is. It's an openness, a vulnerability, a trust in self and love. GRACE. It's an inextricable part of this.

And all of this extends to trust in the ones you love and care about, trust that they know what they are doing even if you don't like whatever it is, that's it not a reflection on you or has anything to do with you. Trusting with grace, trusting with love, loving with trust, loving with grace is an acceptance and an embracing. It's freeing.

breaking the barrier

I received a letter from a reader which prompted this entry. Her letter is below. My response follows.

"That is truly a brilliant idea. I don't know who spread the silly notion that men are visual and women less so, but it couldn't be less true. The toughest part for me is getting over the shyness factor. In my experience most women, even ones with perfect bodies, have body image stuff going on. Any tips for less forthcoming gals."

First of all men may or may not be more visual than women, but in my experience, they become more easily aroused visually than women do, but, and this is a big but, they are very clear on the difference between being aroused by nearly any naked even if only somewhat decent looking woman and the attraction and passion they feel for their woman, their beloved. The former may start their juices flowing, if only a drop, or it may evoke the desire to masturbate, or not, but the latter makes them want to have YOU, whether it be a quick fantasy, a tender loving embrace, or wild sex.

That said, believe me when I say I was so shy the first time and every time I had pictures taken, but each time it did get easier. If it's too much to handle having someone else there the first time, take digital pictures of yourself.This takes the other person out of the picture.

Believe me too when I say that the first time I gave my guy pictures, I was also feeling shy and self-conscious, but when I saw how much he liked them and the whole concept really, I felt so much better.

Take them in a dimly lit room though I warn you that the flash will make your face look strange, old and wrinkly even, but not so the body. I have no idea why. Face shots are better taken in natural daylight.

Try to remember that men are not anywhere near as critical as we. They don't see any of the things we do. As an example when I took my pussy pics, I had just made coffee. After I grind the beans, I take my index finger and get out the residue from inside the grinder, some of which gets all up under my nail. In most of my pictures, my coffee grimed fingernail was clearly visible. He never noticed. I wasn't freshly waxed, so I had stray hairs too. he never saw. Remember this.

It would be really nice if you could find someone you trust who knows something about picture taking so as to put you in the nicest possible light, the prettiest poses possible. There are many professional women out there. I would most definitely recommend a woman for many reasons. Ask around.

You will still feel awkward and uncomfortable. You will. It's something new. You're exposing yourself; you're being vulnerable. These feelings are normal.

A good photographer will encourage you and take at least the worst of the weird feelings away and once you see for yourself how beautiful you are in your pictures, you will feel sooooooo much better. And again remember, he will never notice any of the things that you perceive as flaws. He will only see the one he loves, YOU. He will only see how sexy you are, and you are his. How lucky he is for that.

more fun sex stuff

Here's something totally empowering, liberating, and very amusing to do for yourself and your man. Have nudie pictures taken of yourself.

What prompted me to do this the first time was that my guy was going to be going be taking a job out of state, so we would only see each other maybe every other wee. I thought he might like having me nearby while he was far away.

This was so out of character for me at the time, for we were not only new together as a couple, I was also shy about those things and quite uncomfortable in my own skin, insecure. I had never done anything like this before.

Fortunately one of my best friends is a photographer, and since she had to do some porn work in the past, this was not a big deal for her other than we are friends.

Now boudoir pictures are lovely, and if that's all you can handle, go for it. That's beautiful, but I'm suggesting something more. I'm not saying not to get some beautiful undies for your shoot; please do. I did, but they should come off as the shoot progresses.

My first pictures were certainly of the boudoir sort. I wore a corset, a bra and panty set underneath, hose and garters. These were shed piece by piece until I was fully naked. It was very soft, very sweet, erotic, not especially racy aside from the fact I was nude in many of them.

He never did go away for this job, but needless to say the photo essay went over well, so well that I decided three years later to do some more, edgier ones this time. These ones were boudoir like as well, but this time there was much self-fondling going on, all over.

I made an album of the best shots like the first time, and I had also had all the good pictures put on a CD to load on the computer. He loved these too and has used them well when he has had to be away for work. The following year I did another shoot of the more explicit sort.

I like to leave a few pictures up for him on the computer if I know he's going to be home at lunchtime or back before me in the evening. You can do the same, and/or you can leave prints if you have them on his chair, by his pillow, in his suitcase if he's going out of town, or anywhere you know he will find them.

More recently we've been having a special "playnight", so I've been making a little slide show for him with select photos. But honestly I've become bored with my pictures, I've wanted to do another shoot, but my friend has been unavailable, so I came up with this.

Why not take pictures of myself with the digital camera? Why not some really graphic ones, even more so than what I had already since my friend won't so close ups, and I wouldn't want her to anyway.

So I grabbed the digital camera and shot away. It's not easy getting your parts in frame nicely if they get in at all. There were many rejects, but I did get the hang of it, and so will you.

Be creative. I did some shots of my eyes and some face shots; full body shots are impossible. I did some boobie shots, one alone, both together, at rest, squished together, and close up nipple ones. I also did some pussy shots, really, really up close.

Imagine all the porn pictures you have seen and try to duplicate them. If you haven't seen any, find them. They're all over the internet and free. I did some of her by herself with fingers touching, simulating masturbation, outside, inside.

When I finally had enough good pictures, I loaded them onto the computer and made a slide show movie. I believe most computers do this automatically. I edited them so as to tell a little story, and there you have it.

It's such an incredible high, and the appreciation received will supersede any uncomfortable feelings you may have, for it may feel scary in the beginning, embarrassing, weird. For me it was quite frightening at first. I felt ill at ease, vulnerable, and sharing it with him felt strange, but each time it became easier, and now I love doing it. I love seeing myself up there on the computer screen, imagining my man looking, lusting.

So any discomfort you may feel will pass, especially when you see how much it turns him on. Or you may just take to it right away. Either way have fun with it. You may very well discover that it turns you on as well.

fun sex tip

As scary or maybe even icky as this might sound, ask to share his porn with him. Watch him. Watch what he does. As he becomes aroused, if you start to feel strange, fearful, anything that feels uncomfortable, do whatever you can to calm yourself.

Breathe. Do a quick meditation. Whatever it takes to keep you in the moment. You might be surprised at how aroused you may become. You may find it fun.

Now try this. While you are watching him look at whatever it is he looks at, start to masturbate with him. Occasionally reach over and wipe up some of the clear fluid that comes out of his penis to use as your own lubricant.

He will be very turned on by all of this. Come for him. Climb on top of him. The porn will be forgotten by this time.

looking at porn together can be good for you

Everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond to porn in the same way. Not all porn is used as a substitute or a fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.

I have learned that for my guy and surely other men as well with their partners, porn only stokes the fires of his passions for me, or sometimes it's an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time.

Who doesn't enjoy being aroused after all? He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation, rarely that is. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire.

Men like my man have a wonderful way of being attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved.

Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection between eyeballs and penis. There is no stopping along the way. When he see me on the other hand there is, the brain, the heart. A difference of which he's well aware.

This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can imagine, feel sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even, as if we are there, and we can create fantastic scenarios. For most men this is not true.

For me now that have mostly healed from my deeper stuff and mostly reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, and it can be arousing and fun, yet what could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two-dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.

Sex has never been boring with us; it keeps getting better and better in fact. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit.

I have also found that men take our lead in this. They find something through our hearts for which there is not one word. It's aspects of the following; love, a balance, an ease, peace, harmony, joy, and more. It's not that they can't find these things without us; they can, yet in a loving union, it's such a wonderful and maybe richer way to do so.

But it works both ways. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us, and the deeper we can go. What a lovely symbiosis.

Maybe we're both lucky in what we have with each other, for he is my brand of white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.

am I not enough?

I'm not pretty enough. I'm not sexy enough. I'm not (fill in the blank) enough. I'm not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as children did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I'm here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That's not to say there isn't room to expand your horizons; there's always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It's not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It's mostly about reprogramming destructive thought patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. Its also about changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It's also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself, Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests. The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest, for truthfully others do not see you in bits and pieces anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms. For example, I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy. I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I've learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishy bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good to you being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you're not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it's good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background.

Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. This is okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain. So allow all feelings to flow through you. They will morph. Observe them, feel them completely, and let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.

I've been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of, "I'm just not enough in any way," but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed. I know now that I'm more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there, and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

love

I surrender my body and my heart to be breathed open by the love that yearns in my heart. I must relax my body, especially the most sensitive parts, the places that hold fear. I breathe love energy in and out of every part, so my tension can ease open and love can flow more freely through me.

As my body softens, my heart can open and feel the openness of this moment which is love. As I lovingly melt my body and my heart open, I can practice breathing outward from my heart to feel him, his shape, his suffering, his joy. The more I can open in trust and offer my light through the yearning of my love, the more he will want to enter me and merge with my glorious, devotional surrender.

His presence may waver as may my offering of love's energy. I can practice offering my body and my heart, opening them to flow with pleasure, offering love's yearning. I can look deep into his eyes and feel the deep part of his heart I do trust and love.

I can practice, moment by moment, the art of breathing love and trusting open as if surrendering to sexual ravishment, breathing love's fullness as if on the verge of an intense and loving orgasm. I can offer the depth of my love right now, moving like a woman whose womb is full with pleasure, gliding with love.

Even when I'm fearful, even when the pain and yearning feel overwhelming, even when my heart feels wounded, I can still practice opening my body and my heart as an offering.

When my eyes are soft with love's yearning, when my voice resonates love's pleasure, when my body moves like a dancer in ecstasy, when my expressions reflect love's depths, he will be inspired, as I fill his life with light like an infinitely blossoming flower.

While making love, my surrendered yearning draws him deeply into my body and my heart. he can enter me fully, into my love, and he can guide my surrender, as he dissolves with me, opening as one love.

My heart can offer a devotional surrender and openness so inviting that he has no choice but to come to full presence. His fully present masculine heart can claim me so deeply that I have no choice but to open and surrender to love's bliss, larger than I could alone.

To deny him love is to deny opening to my deepest heart yearning. Love is my discipline, and it is not always easy. living open as love will attract his willingness to open and feel in mutual worship.